Hello ma’am,
It is with heavy heart that I write this email. I messed up but I do have serious problems in my marriage of 19 months. I need advise on what to do. My wife and I dated for 3 years before marriage.
It was a long distance relationship,she was in Abuja and I in Lagos, so we saw each other like once every month. It didn’t start like that. We actually met in Lagos during her NYSC. But she got a job in a Federal ministry in Abuja so she went back.
During our dating years,s*x was not regular. She actually didn’t want to have s*x before marriage but I guess she did it for me cos I was always making moves on her. She was too fine …I couldn’t wait and I didn’t want to cheat on her,so I made her oblige me at least once in two month or so. I thought she was just being a decent girl never knowing she didn’t like s*x that much.
Our wedding came and my boys organized a bachelor’s night for me. It was a fun night and there were girls around too. My guys were having fun but they made sure I did not mess up with any girl. I was jealous but I promised my wife the bachelor’s night was not going to spoil anything for us.
Even at that,I wont lie,ladies made passes at me. One of them,a very tall slender,model looking one really flirted on me. Thank God for my best man,he just kept me sane all through. But this girl saved her number on my phone. For whatever reason,I know not.
My wedding and marriage was beautiful. I felt marriage would mean regular s*x now but I was wrong. It turns out,my beautiful s*xy wife hates s*x. I was shocked cos I love s*x. I have always told her that. I mean,things became real when we have s*x once and I want to go a second round,she curls up and says she is tired.
For real? When I am just getting started? What? I made her realize I could go a minimum of 3 rounds and she was like no,that she is tired,sore and I find that strange cos ladies like a man that can last long or do several rounds. This became an issue for me. I didn’t want it to be so I adjusted.
My adjustment was if we cant do several rounds,it has to be at least once a day. I think that was a fair deal. Initially she agreed but after a while,she started complaining and when I made moves on her or insisted,she would just lie there like a log which really infuriated me.
I like woman who gets into s*x. I am a lover of moaning and dirty talk and stuff during s*x. But no,my wife would fight me and say no to me. And when she could not fight,she would just lie there. I got really upset and began to research on why a woman who is not a virgin would not like s*x.
At least,I am not her first when we met. She had dated like 2 people before me. From what I read,I had to ask her if she was raped. She said no. So,why do you not like s*x? Am I not doing it well? She said that is not the case…so why do you not enjoy it. Her answer was,she enjoys it but once is ok for her.
She said she generally does not like the idea of s*x every time. That we can cuddle but no s*x. That marriage is not all about s*x. All she said sounded like sh*t to me. I want my wife every day. I want her so bad yet she says no?. I began to withdraw from her. I would rather masturbate and that was killing me so much.
This continued to happen to us and I resigned myself to boring ”married s*x”. Until one day,the devil showed up. This slender girl at my bachelor’s night DMed me on Twitter. I ignored her at first but I began to scroll through her social media and I began to masturbate at her s*xy pictures.
Again,one day,I chatted her and that was how the flirting started. She would send me her nu-d-es to masturbate to. Then we began phone s*x. In my mind,at least,its not physical so it cant be classified as cheating. She became my get away pleasurer. Of course she begged me to meet and get physical but I was scared of cheating on my wife.
And she began to tease me. She wanted me to come to her or she would block me. She blocked me for a week and I went crazy. I drove to meet her and f*cked her with all the pent up s*xual tension in me. This lady is all shades of freaky and what I want in a wife. Yet my wife remains like a piece of wood when I touch her.
I even began to loathe my wife. I stopped touching her. I allowed her to have peace as she wanted. And she became worried after she noticed I didn’t touch her for 3 weeks. Well,that was crazy of me cos she began to suspect me right away.
My wife went hacked my phone and saw all the texts and nu-d-es from my side chick and that was it. She broke down and started crying. I justified my actions by saying she pushed me to do it. She was so sad that she told me it was over. I thought she was saying,divorce and I was like whatever.
Next thing I knew,she went to the kitchen,took a knife and stabbed herself. If I didn’t get there in seconds,she would have gone a second time. I rushed her to the hospital and she is still in the hospital as I write this. She is under suicide watch. I feel like a fool…I feel so sorry…how do I even begin to beg her or make things right.
My wife is willing to take her life because I cheated…that is another level of mental stress…is she mentally unstable? I never knew this would be her reaction I swear. Both families now see me as a monster. Saying why didn’t I seek counsel before cheating. I swear,I know now that I should have done that.
But my wife paid me little attention. I begged her …God knows I did…she made it seem like I was a s*x addict and I was asking for too much. The only thing I can say is,I realized too late that we are not s*xually compatible. Oh my God.
I do not know if its too late. My wife refuses to talk to me. She is in recovery and I have been told to stay away for now. What do I do…I want to make things right. I love my wife. How do we solve our problems. Is she truly going to starve me s*xually through out our marriage?
How do I remain in a once a week s*x marriage? Please married people out there,advise me. I am feeling so lost.
Thank you.
Anonymous Email Poster
Photo Credit:India
Hmmm… Ok married people talk o.. But y d woman no talk how she liked her own s*x wen d guy was telling her he liked s*x well during dating sef?.. Na wa
You are not lost bro, you did the wrong thing cheating on your wife. You have to seek counseling with your wife. Kindly do away with the model of a lady and focus on winning her trust and love back. This might be a painful process but trust God to see you through it.
U sef na Oliver Twist u be? Always asking for more n more,well , I’m sure that this is for married people out , married people mbok,the ball in ur court now, pleasedo justice to this story
Bros please if you can’t continue with her type of woman seek for a divorce, forever is too long for pretence, she didn’t love because if she do,she would have tried to adjust at least with all your pleading, she is a self-centered person no room for sacrifice and the same act she used in blackmailing you for stabbing herself,no na if at all you cheating on her is bad but she committing suicide is worst,are you sure you have all it takes to stay in marriage with this woman,you might really love her but what is at stake is dangerous sir.
And another thing is that ,the girl didn’t tell her husband how she wanted it, maybe the guy was being too rough for her liking, she should have told her husband from the beginning as they were dating n in one of those times they talked that she is not a s*x freak, because communication is the bedrock to a successful everything. I once had a relationship where my boyfriend was so in love with s*x,n i on the other hand can have it once or twice a week n am ok,but my boyfriend was not so fyn with the my way of having s*x, consistent s*x was becoming very boring for me,so we to talk,we decided that the s*x wouldn’t be an every day thing,but every two to three times in a week, but like Monday, Tuesday etc,we could skipped the days, so we agreed n then the problem was solved n everybody was happy. So they should have probably do it that way.
Men self,shebi them no know say wife no be side chick were them go dey yansh every day? Now see wetin don happen!! But that girl self is very selfish n wicked,y does she want to kill herself? Give man something she say no, man go collect something for outside chop ,she won kill herself. Is that not wickedness!! Abeg make we dey try to sacrifice for the sake of others, because most of the things we do, it’s not because we love to do them,we do those things because another people wants them, that’s y we do them.Its called things we do for Love. Cheers.
Kai,all these stories sef.It is well,please you have to stop cheating. Marriage is for better or best,anything you see you take. Adjust and keep talking to her about it,I hope she might change one day,now you know the type of wife you have,so avoid anything that will make her unstable mentally, please.
I took out time to read it line by line
Yes ,he accepted no s*x till after marriage….which only few men can accept that
He told her about him being a s*x freak….and she didn’t say anything
He was tempted on his bachelor’s night……he survived the temptation because he already know something bigger is coming his way
Now look at it this way,s*x is very much important in marriage.if there is a problem she should have opened up to the man cos he asked and even asked if she was raped and her answer was no.then what is the problem???
First the man should have tried to found out if she is a lesbian or maybe there is something else
Secondly,look for her ex and find out what separated them…he might have a clue
If he can adjust she should do the same and she should have communicated with her husband
Stabbing herself is a cheap emotional blackmail cos her husband gave her time ,he was patience enough for her to come around
Bro,when she’s out from the hospital try to work it out but if she’s not ready to do her marital chores as a wife,please do whatever that makes you happy
marital chores? so s*x is a woman’s marital chores?
Hahahaha……
Oh goodness!Bro,you actually went too far by cheating on ur wife.I understand s*x is very important in marriage,but u should have at least be patient with her, remember marriage is for better or best.Your wife did wrong by stabbing herself,it clearly shows the level of hurt she’s passing through.Pls, once she gets well and leaves the hospital,the two of you should see a counselor.Pls,be patient with her, because it will take time for her to recover from the hurt.
From what I’ve read so far i think not so sure that she has an underlying mental health disorder that needs quick attention.
Hmmm, lemme nor to be one sided. I actually blame you both, you both are already married b4 realising that you’re not s*xually compatible and you’re not truly.
Now the deed has already been done, you should’ve sought out a solution and try to bring some level of compatibility into the equation, i know it can’t be achieved easily but with a good and constant s*x therapy session am sure something positive would’ve happened.
Constant communication, expressing yourself subtly and then trying to find out about her fears about s*x would’ve gone a long way to help.
From your story you tried to reach out to her no doubt but you didn’t do your best, you gave up so quickly. Now it’s almost costing you your wife’s life and your marraige.
On the other hand denying you s*x is bad, it’s not a good thing in marriage and totally not acceptable. Then again i cant put a huge blame on her cos i feel there is more to it than you know about your wife’s s*xual life and history, i just feel not so sure that there’s more to her not liking s*x.
Just like they said give her some time and then space as well, take the matter to God, pour out your heart, pray for your wife and then repent from masturbation cos you’re gradually getting addicted to it, forget about the model, delete her contact entirely. Concentrate on making your marraige work. You can open up to your Pastor, so he can help you with words of advice and encouragement during the process. You both need seruous therapy, marriage and s*x counselling.
I wish you both all the best.
My brother you are not wrong you didn’t sleep with the lady for god sake it just chat s*x nd nu-d-e pictures so if you have had s*x with the lady she will go nd hug transforma Abi. S.e.x you know give so which one she dey for the marriage. You can deny anything from a man not s*x the day you start doing that just say bye bye to your man. Even in the bible women it your duties to give your husband s*x the day you start denying your husband for s*x you are blocking all your blessings that will come your way, my brother if you beg her she no gree leave her when she is calm she will come back to her senses all i see from that that your wife she is selfish and she only care about herself how she feels that all am seeing.
Hello friend,
This truly is a tense situation and case!
Love, as they say, is “blind” to some people from facts and realities that’s in marriage.
You probably should have discussed and come to consensus during your courtship period about your s*xual needs…. compromise and agreed on what you are to expect in your marriage.
In marriage, you are not expected to cheat on your spouse “no matter what….!” Yes, God frowns at cheating and it is one of the major sins to God.
You need to excercise a lot self control and patience here.. first of all, try to win your wife’s confidence back…be on talking terms with her. Both of you should go for Therapy and Counselling.
I sincerely believe this experience will give both you different level of understanding to marriage.
Marriage Is a School for couples to “give in” and “compromise” on their selfish ideas of what their marriage should look like, without considering their partner’s vision.
Trust me, everything will come around to be better for both of you. Be patient…be understanding…be loving to your wife…. compromise your lust and desire for freaky s*x…all of these, because you said you *”love”* your wife!
Above it all, commit your life and marriage to God. He will heal all the ills in your marriage and bless you.
Cheers
Hello,
You got yourself a real problem here. You should have sort counseling when this started,now its blown out of proportion.
Some young women do not really enjoy s*x at the onset of marriage. This is caused by a number of reasons:
1. lack of enlightenment on the subject of s*x
2. Painful past s*xual experience
3. Frigidity caused by inexperience or trauma
4. Lack of inexperience,patience of spouse
many women do not even know how their vagina looks like. Some do not know how to give or receive pleasure. They were not taught because society sees the subject of s*x as a taboo.
No one teaches you and they expect you to become a pro when you get married.
You did not need to cheat. You should have been more patient with your wife. Many women who did not like s*x at the beginning of marriage,begin to love it after a couple of years.
But it takes patience and teaching the woman for her to get to that point.
Now,as for her attempting suicide: she needs mental evaluation.
People who commit suicide or attempt suicide because of heartbreak usually are :
1.people with low self esteem…they feel they are nothing with their partner
2. They want the pain they feel from heartbreak to end…so they think suicide will end the pain
But then…they are only thinking of their own pain..not the other person’s pain . And that is selfishness
3. They sometimes don’t mean it…they use it to get to their partner…so they expect to receive consideration from their partner
In all…these are unhealthy reasons and that person needs counseling. Suicide is not the answer.
I am hopeful that with time and proper counseling,you and your wife can overcome your challenges and come back together as an unbreakable team.
Ask God for forgiveness. Ask Him to heal your home and your wife and promise to be a better husband.
However, you must be observant of your wife. If she needs more time to get well mentally…if she is unwilling to accept counseling and psychotherapy for her mental issues,then you must be very careful with making her upset. It would be like walking on egg shells. You would need to be careful how you treat her.
If you cannot live like that …then you should both let go. The cheating must stop,you must both be patient and cooperate to find a more s*xually pleasing lifestyle and she must get psychotherapy to address whatever mental issues she may be experience.
I wish you all the best.
Oya married people advise your people.