Our Marriage Is Struggling With Trust Issues & Hurt From The Past
My husband and I have been together for four years of dating before marriage, going to five. I love him so much, he is the best man ever but his mother does not like me. God knows I have tried everything in the book to win his mother’s love but it has not worked.
We broke up last year due to his mother’s non acceptance, I cried and cried…my fiancé too was unhappy for months. During our breakup, I was so depressed that my friends thought what I needed was to find another man to help me forget my fiancé at the time.
I was hooking up with this guy who lied to me that he was in love with me. I was drinking just to forget my pain. In the process, I got pregnant for this dude I was hanging out with. When I told him, the guy said I have to remove it cos he was married. What?
I was a big mess. I had an abortion to flush out the pregnancy and was so sick afterwards. My fiancé came back to me two weeks after and told me he was ready to marry me without his mother’s consent. But I was too hurt that I did not listen. He begged and sent his friends to beg me . We eventually came back together and we did our court marriage and now we are married.
The next months after our wedding, I had a heavy mensural flow. I was bleeding for almost two weeks which was very abnormal. Hubby took me to the hospital where they checked and confirmed that I had a miscarriage. Like what I mean is, the abortion I had did not flush out properly. They had to carry out a thorough flushing for me this time.
To be honest, I never told hubby I was pregnant when we broke up. It came as a shock to him and when we got home, he changed. Even though he says he cannot blame me for what I did during our breakup, he says he cannot forgive the fact that I had my first pregnancy for another man and I aborted him without telling him when we got back together.
For me, I did not see why I should tell him cos we were broken up for almost 9 months. And I was hurt and depressed during that time. I just wanted to forget and move on. Now, its like the trust between me and him is shaky now. We argue alot and in his anger few days ago, he said he should have never gone against his mother to marry me.
That really hurt me and since for the last two days, I have not spoken to him even though he said a very small sorry (which I am sure is not genuine) . I feel I will never win in this marriage. His mother does not like me. Now, my husband is judging me and mistrust me. I know its too soon but I feel like I need some time away from my husband to think things through.
Like are we really meant to be together? He loves me and he is a good man but he hurts me with his words and I too, I am beginning to resent him for all him and his mother put me through. I think I am still hurt. And being hurt and not appreciated makes me sad. Yes, I am sad in my marriage.
Sad and I need space. I want to tell my husband that I need some space, maybe go to UK for like 3 months. I feel choked and suffocated in this marriage….but I do not know how he will take it when I tell him I need some space…I mean, do married people take some time to be apart to clear their head? I just need some time otherwise, I fear we might not make it.
We keep hurting each other and regretting coming back to get married. What can we do? How do I communicate how I feel without hurting my husband and without him feeling hurt either? I just feel like taking time apart is what I need but I am also scared that might make things worse. Sometimes I fear we are not meant for each other like the mother has been saying?
Being together in the same space is choking me cos I don’t know why we cant seem to communicate better like we used to before the breakup…so, what if taking time apart might be worse…I really need help especially from anyone who has been in similar situation before. Will time apart help us or destroy us further? Please reach out and advise me. Thank you.
Anonymous
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Hello Madam,
What you both need is professional counselling and therapy sessions.
I think you are still hurt by the break up and your husband’s mother’s dislike for you. I think you will keep getting hurt anytime your husband mentions his mother. You need serious maturity to live in a marriage where your mother in-law does not like you.
Maturity and prayers. The fact that your husband came back, asked you for forgiveness and you married him showed how much he cherishes you.
He is hurt that you had an abortion and did not tell him. Well, if he really loves you, with therapy and your actions of remorse, he will eventually forgive you.
But if you keep letting the hurt cloud your judgement, it wil be very difficult to be happy in this marriage.
Forgive him and his mother even if they did not ask you…forgiveness is for your own peace of mind.
Also, do everything in your power to make up with your husband…suggest therapy/counselling ..if he agrees, your marriage can be healed …
Remember :1 Corinthians 13:4-7
New American Bible (Revised Edition)
4 [a]Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, 5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, 6 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
This marriage can only pack up if both of you stop trying and give up. You once fought for this love….fight again.
Marriage is no small feat…do everything humanly possible to win your mother in-law too.
Forgive and forget….let peace reign…
All is well.
this is really sad. But be that as it may, three things are important here:
1. Your mental health: in the midst of all these, your mental health is key. i believe your talking here is soothing already. i ll advise you dont go the eaasier way to the UK. this is a case you can stay and work on with prayers, counselling and conversation with hubby. get a good place, maybe over a meal or a date and talk . some love midnight conversations . it will go along way.
2. You need to build relationship with you mother in law. parental consent is very important in a marriage. And if you need to work on your marriage, find a way to stoop down for your Mother in law so that over time , you can gradually win her forgiveness bcos, she is also hurt .for her son to have disobeyed her and married you without her consent, it can hurt any mother. and truth is, they ll always have a grip over their sons, particularly in the face of crisis like you re experiencing.
3. Your Husband truly loves you and you need to look above your hurts , be calm and see to having a conversation and subsequent actions to show you are sorry for everything that is your fault in all these.
Marriage is work ,welcome to yours . marriage is also a sweet experience, welcome to yours.
peace.