Hi..
I don’t know If I want to vent out or If I need advise..
I and my husband are married for 7 yrs and we have a little girl.. about 4 years ago my husband had some Issues with my mom dad and sister… I was In the middle trying not to hurt either of them.. but eventually my biggest mistake was to support my parents as I went with my Instincts, which hurt him emotionally and made him hate my family..
A the time I felt that was the right thing to do.. later realized that no matter what I should have taken my husbands side and should have seen things from his perspective… till date he has this feeling that my dad’s family disrespect him and his family..
He doesn’t like the sight of my sister … the worst part Is my mom dad and sister are under an Impression that my husband left past Issues behind him, but that’s not the truth.. we continue arguing about things that happened 4 years ago..
That makes me feel sick.. I stopped sharing my side families updates or whereabouts with him… he is aware that saying a word about my family would trigger the argument between us, but always does that again and again..
I pleaded him to leave everything aside and not to ever mention anything about my family, but I don’t understand why he keeps doing that.. He hates the sight of my sister and whenever he Is upset with anything she might have told over a call with me (that he overheard), he would pass some comments and expect me stay calm without defending her..
Can anyone please tell me If I am doing the worst thing on the earth by trying to defend my family before my husband.. I can say that my sister has some attitude Issues with my husband and they don’t go well together.. but after all she Is my sister and I love her..
I think that’s where the bond comes.. he just doesn’t try to understand that and expects me to take his side every time he says something to her.. I started agreeing to some things If I feel right but sometimes thing go beyond limit and I just hate It…
We got Into a big argument last night for the same reason and he keeps blaming her for being the reason for our argument.. I don’t understand where the problem Is.. If I say a word to his family he wouldn’t take It.. and how Is he expecting me to stay calm… If I ask the same question, he says his family Is a lot better than mine.. I just go crazy..
I really want to share this with someone who can advise me on what to do.. my husband Is a wonderful man and a father, this Is our only problem in the marriage .. I was thinking to Involve my mother In law ( who Is very supportive) to understand where I am doing wrong.. Is It advisable or would It make things worse?
And yes I have less control over my words when I am angry.. I am working on that but can say half of the time my words triggers him.
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You both need to see a counselor.
Does your sister stay with you people? If she does,so why is she giving your husband attitude? Have you asked your sister some questions?Taking sides with your family over your own husband is not too good,remember you said he is a good husband and father.You left your family to be with your husband, why take sides to the extent of him being so angry like this?You have to put a stop to this prolonged argument of 4years pls.Work on yourself,do not always say things that would hurt his emotions. Pls work out your marriage even if it involves talking to your mother in-law,4years is just to long .
Morning madam,
There is something you still have not gotten even after the long years you are married. Your husband and kids are your first family, and you hold them a great by protecting them above every other person including your parents and sisters.
Try to show your husband respect and he will in turn show you love and respect your opinion. You dont need to argue with him as its a sign of disrespect and will never Slocum to you or anything you tell him.
The bottom line is for you to win the heart of your husband and every other thing you desire including showing love to your family will be added onto you.
Thank you for atleast admitting that you say hurtful words when you are angry.
It’s good you are working on it. I just wish there is a way you can stay calm when he mentions things about your people.
The key to the solution to this 4 years feud between your husband and your family is with you. You need to make amends and placate your husband’s feelings concerning the issue. If possible, don’t pick calls from your sister particularly, in the presence of your husband. Avoid discussing anything about your family with him and anytime he brings up the past issue, don’t say anything. As a matter of peace, apologize on their behalf and don’t side them in anyway, no matter what he says. A woman that wants to keep her home needs to tame her tongue.
It is obvious your husband has always had issues with your family even for the very beginning. Knowing his person ( I assume), you don’t need to give him much details about your family. He obvious can’t handle having a civil relationship with your folks and he cannot let go of the past. I think you need to discuss with your mother in law maybe she can intervene.
But going forward be more diplomatic with your husband. Love your folks and don’t give them too much details about your husband too.
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband, he doesn’t have to be friends with your folks but he must respect them, if truly he loves his wife.
Afternoon house
I think she should ask her Sister and Husband what’s thier beef about ,u never can tell there must be something eating the both of them up,One thing she must know is that immediately she’s married her first family is her Husband, I never said she shouldn’t love her family but since she already knows her husband had an issue with her family then she should stop fighting with her husband using words that would definitely provoke the man to anger,so she should use wisdom when dealing wit issues like this especially when it involves family. Then for the man to have compared her to his family I totally disagree to that,that means there’s a level at which he loved his wife,mind u out of every nonsense there’s sense,in every lie there’s a truth,if u want to know a true feeling of someone towards u,is when u provoked the person to anger whatsoever is hiding will be spilled out,The man has other things eating him up ,he shouldn’t used the wife’s family as cover up ,if you ask me there are somethings he is not spilling out yet.
My advice is that the Wife should try as much as possible not to bring up anything of her family to the hearing of her husband, whatsoever thing they do should remain in the family, and also not telling her family about her husband either,that’s wisdom and let her pray for God intervention to restore peace back between her husband and family.
This couples needs plenty of help,they need to talk to a counselor, that might help safe the marriage n reduce the stress in the house.
A man who can still be talking about something that happened 4years ago uptill now there is something he is not telling you. Hmmm that your husband have forgiving issues am sorry to say he is that kind of a man that don’t want his wife to have anything to do with her family what kind of a man is that, all i know she can’t go nd start telling people outside what is going on with her if not her family like her sis or mom. Please that man need to go see a therapist
Still talking about something that happened years ago means it hasn’t been resolved, he wants you to take his side, then take his side, show him he’s your first priority, pour excess love and affection on him, ask your higher power, (God or whoever you believe in) to help you in wisdom and understanding, whenever he says things about your family just smile or laugh over it, its been 4years of arguing and taking everything he said personal nothing good came out, then stop taking it personal and start turning it to fun, side your husband in front of your sister and laugh over it in secret with him if he no gree rest for the matter, lemme vent his hurt feelings and anger, assure him you’re still there for him and then make him happy with his favorite dish b4 you know it the case will be resolved. Doing all these doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents, please let peace reign
Madam your parent need to come together with your husband and settle this issue amicably because you all are family not some next door neighbour,a family meeting is really needed to put everything together, please this is all I can say,I mean a meeting you all can have enough time to yourselves in your parent house, because unity is the first step to prosperity in a family, is supposed to be your parent calling him to settle this but since they didn’t you do it,inform your mother in-law since you said she is supportive and understanding, I pray your family have love and unity among yourselves, at least let the love return it was not like this from the beginning, talk to each of them confidential before arranging for the meeting, never take side they’re all your family, your family and husband compliment you.
Hello madam,
One of the issues I see in your story is the fact that you are yet to see your husband as your family more than you see your parents/siblings.
One you get married….you start a new family which is the primary family and your parents/siblings become extended family.
You need to be careful….of you continue this way…you will push your hubby away more and more.
Never make your spouse compete with your parents/siblings. Your no focus/loyalty should be on your spouse
Except you do not love them….
So,shift your focus/loyalty to your hubby….100%
And ask your folks to respect your hubby and stay clear from your marriage until your hubby is comfortable with them.
As for your hubby…if he sees your total trust and commitment…forgiving your family/sister will happen gradually.
And whatever happened between him and your sister? I hope there was no flirting or advances made?
Love your parents/siblings but never allow them come in between you and your husband….
Any well meaning parent should give their children space and support to work on their marriage…not make them be in the middle of problems.
Finally…work on yourself…you mentioned that you have anger issues…learn to speak softly and let your words be seasoned with kindness
When you are upset…speak less…if you need to respond,make sure the tension has been doused.
Remember…a wise woman builds her home!
God bless you