Please post anonymous. My name is Tosin (not real name). I am 30 years old. I am in love with this lady and have been in a relationship with her for 3 years. She is kind and sweet. From a good home,her parents are Pastors and Deaconess. So,she is a bit religious.
Her spirituality is what I love about her. Not to say I don’t love other things o.But its my desire to find someone who can inspire me spiritually. When I met her,we were just friends for like 4 months before we expressed feelings for one another.
She made me feel comfortable. We do not have intimacy cos she said no s*x before marriage. I like that about her too. I cant wait for the day she will be my wife. I told her I have a son from when I was a teenager. I asked was seduced by our house girl who got pregnant for me at age 15. She disvirgined me. So I have a 14 year old son.
My son stays with his mother whom I send money to. Growing up in a polygamous home was tough. I was a kid when he was born. My mother left me when I was around 9. My father’s wife did not care about me or my half siblings. We engaged in all sorts of atrocities.
We started to watch blue films with our house girl and would practice it afterwards. She was a spoilt girl. She got pregnant for me several times and aborted it. But she was did not notice this time before it was too late for abortion. She was thrown out by my stepmother. But she had the baby and my father would send upkeep money to her.
I met my son about 4 years ago, just one year before I met my girl. I told her about my growing up and she felt sorry for me. I used to go see my boy and was hoping one day when I get married, he would come stay with my family.
A few months ago, I engaged my girl and we were planning to go see her parents when she told me not to mention to her parents that I have a child. I asked why and she said her parents may not understand and that they are too judgmental. That was a red flag for me, but I ignored it cos I said to myself: I will not be marrying her parents but my wife.
We have done our introduction and planning traditional and white wedding, but I feel as if we may never get married. What happened was that, I got a new apartment in preparing for my upcoming marriage. As we were inspecting the room, I made a statement: that the third room will be for my son since he will be coming to stay with us.
My girl looked at me and said: he will not be coming to stay with us. I said why, she said no that least not the first 5 years of marriage. That she wants us to experience marriage with our own kids before bringing my son into our home. That she cannot accept a 14-year-old son to be around her children. That what if what the boy does the same thing his mother did to me when I was a teenager to her children.
I was shocked. My girl believes what happened in the past was spiritual and it might happen again with my son coming around us. That she would think my own son would violate my children. I told her that my son will come to live with us. She got upset and said no marriage anymore. That was how we broke up that day. She came back a few days later, apologizing but I am still hurt by her words. I feel she is only begging cos our wedding is close and is afraid of scandal.
First, she does not want me to tell her parents and now she does not want my child. Why do I feel that she may not be a good wife for me after all. My son was born into this world not by choice. He deserves his father to raise him. His mother has been the one doing that alone ,I want to make things right . Why is that a wrong thing?
Am I missing something here? Is she right…is it a bad idea to bring my son to our home? Please post and I await advise.
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U need to have patience with this issue n try to make her understand what u r trying to put across.there r Soo marriages that have broken cos step children Soo deal with it wisely
Definitely a red flag….not to sound judgemental or something like that but even the holiest of the holiest can be walking around in sheep’s clothing. A child is a gift from God no matter the circumstances that led to its birth. That woman can turn out to be very wicked to your son in your absence seeing that she’s noticing you’re making future plans with him in the picture. I’ld say, going forth,insist on the parents knowing about your son. Secondly, wedding to be on hold meanwhile let your son move in with you. Try to monitor and study her behavior and relationship between her n your son. Pray about it too of course. Most importantly,that wedding should be on hold until further notice. My gut is telling me, something is off about her and her behavior towards your son. No body should be judged based on his or her past. At least she ought to give you benefit of the doubt. You’re innocent until proven guilty even in court of law. Haba…I rest my case.
Brother, please it’s too early na….I believe she is right. For the first few years of your marriage, abeg let her enjoy it alone with you……You can always take care of your son and I believe she wouldn’t tell him not to visit.
Is normal to apologize but it does not change anything. You’re doing the right thing at the wrong time. First you should moved in with your son before talking about marriage. Live with your son while you’re dating her and see her reaction and relationship with your son.
Hi
Hmmmmm…. I think hers fears her understandable about the boy not having a proper upbringing, i don’t think she is taking it as a spiritual matter… U said ursef It was the mother that seduced you… Do u think that same person is giving that child a proper care… I am not saying your child shouldn’t come to your house… Your child should and it your responsibility but let it be sometime after your marriage not immediately please… So you can have time for yourselves
And the fact you are thinking your finacé might not be a good wife cos she is not accepting your child… If that is the only comma you are seeing in her, i think it is your responsibility to assure her about that boy because if the boy was staying at your father house it is more ok than staying with a woman that could seduce a child like you to have s*x… What if that child was left in neglect too… I think you should take her to see the boy and all, just make feel safe about him… Ok I don’t know if what I said made sense
She is not wrong to say or feel that way. My advise will be allow the both of u to enjoy your marriage for the first 4years. Then u can talk of bringing ur son to the house. The feeling is vice versa, most especially since ur child is a boy.
Have a talk with her but be careful pls do that before any other thing
My brother it a real red flag how are you sure after the first 5 years she will still want your son to come around. To me tell her parents about your son the earlier the better for you if not till Jesus comes down she will not allow your son to come nd stay with you and her.
Nna your wife to be loves you oooo and she is right.Please let your son continue to stay with his mum,he can always come during weekends and go back.Haba ,your wife needs to enjoy her marriage first before allowing your son .Moreover, this person is a teenager not like the child is a baby.You have to marry her oooo,I don talk finish
Exactly. I strongly support your opinion.
You you do not set things right before you marry, you will have to hide your child from her family for the rest of your life, and she too will never accept him as her own. Would you not have loved her child as yours if she were to be in your shoes?
Be careful with the decision you make now because you will have to live with it for the rest of your life.
I can tell you for a fact the bad impact my step mother’s treatment had on me.
Hmm..y do I think some people are being sentimental here? If it we’re a lady that says her fiance does not want her son to live with her after her marriage. We would say to her if her fiance doesn’t want her child with her..she should back out cos d guy must accept her and her child ..d question is …. Y doesn’t this apply to d man too?
Women are the care givers in the house. Why isn’t he staying with his son now that he’s single? The way he’s even taking the whole matter means that he’ll be placing his son above the marriage which will not help them. I’ve experienced such situation. I pray for this young lady. Even that fact that she’s hiding information from her parents means that she’s not at peace with the pending marriage. They should hold on until this issue is resolved.
I believe your fiancee I just expressing her fears, it shouldn’t be a red flag. If you want your son to stay with you after marriage it should be a discussion you both should agree on. That being said, the boy is a teenager and not a baby so I suggest that to build your new home with your wife you shouldn’t just bring in the boy from the onset, he can start spending weekends with you guys so that you both get to know him more, short holidays and part of the holidays with you. After awhile you both can then decide when he can start living with you guys fully but for now he is a visitor to your home.
If your wife to be says you should let your son stay for the first years I think you should respect that.. every young marriage needs air.you both need to be alone for sometime to know yourselves more.. every newly married couple needs that space.
For her not wanting you to tell her parents about your son depends sorely on her.she said her parents are judgemental.she knows them more than you do and I believe she is doing you a huge favor..that lady really loves you.
For her saying those things about your son she is only being careful.i have seen lots and lots of cases where people are being violated by their own blood relatives so all you need to do is reassure her that such will not happen.dont start having issues now it’s too early.. understanding and dialogue is all you both need now.Good luck.
*My thought…*
How will she handle his visits if she fears he’ll violate their children?.. She’s not accepting the child as hers… So she’s hiding it from her parents too… She’s worried the boy will be like his mom… But he could be like his dad too… She’d definitely act up on the boy if they don’t resolve things gradually… And that could destroy the young relationship from the foundation…
If the guy wanted the son in his life why wait till marriage? Why wait till now? He’s not even lived with his son by himself for a week yet? How’s he sure he know his son and can help his wife to be integrated? The boy is an adult already and I doubt his mum is complaining…
I’d say he should calm down n not hurry the marriage…
What you didn’t do before introducing both families, you have to go do now… Visit her parents and let them know you have a child which your woman knows about from the beginning but couldn’t discuss abi disclose and you want him to be part of your life… Let them deal with that knowledge now than after since it seem like a big deal to your woman and her parents…
Plan the integration process… Know that you can’t have the son without opening access to his mom… So you really need to know what you’re doing…
Your son can keep growing with his mum while you visit them or he comes around to yours to visit too… I feel he’s better off with his mum than with you sincerely… 14yrs of your absence… How do you want to correct that by suddenly removing him from his mom?
I think you should do the integration gradually…
Another thing you can do is push the wedding ahead and integrate with your son… Live with him and know his for a while… 3/6months… Understudy him well so you’ll know what decisions to make about integration and at what pace…
This gives your woman time to adjust her mind and see what she’s getting into…
For me I’d say don’t rush the wedding… Deal with this issue and come to a comprise that works for you both first…
You should have discussed your child before now and you’d have known what her view was… But it’s not too late…
She’s a young woman and would love to have you to herself in her first years of marriage… So work out the modalities of integrating your family to suit every one involved…
Pray you find wisdom to handle this…
You are wise.
Yes she is right. The first few years of your marriage should be the period of getting to know each other better. It should be strictly the two of you. Things will naturally start changing when you begin to make children with your wife. Your son can move in much later. 5 years is not even much. Reverse the situation and ask yourself if you will allow your spouse bring her grown up son into your house immediately after wedding when you are not the father. Will you approve of such? Don’t be selfish. She made a reasonable demand.
Don’t see anything wrong in her demands, you two need to talk about it like adults and reach a compromise. I think the kids shouldn’t be there for now!
Dear poster, you don’t need to feel hot by the girl’s decision. She is trying to safe your marriage from impending danger. I will tell you my story so that it will guide you in your decision. I’m married with kids of my own but one of my late junior brothers kids was brought to my house by my mum. I won’t want to bother you with how she was brought but she has a similar background with your son. Very similar but the dad died young so he couldn’t take care of her.
One day, I saw an old man in my dream and he emphatically told me to return the girl so that she won’t defy my daughter but I didn’t follow the instructions immediately until one day she was caught with a tenant’s daughter in her room practicing s*x with her, I became very weak instantly and when I asked her she told me that her own mummy introduced her and the other siblings to it. According to her, whenever she comes with a male friend, the children must watch them in the act like a cinema. I returned her immediately.
Brother, from your narration about your baby mama, she could have taught your dear son so much more than your capacity could take and it might be too late for you to do anything about it.
Also, you are just going to a journey you have never gone through before, in all ramification, you are supposed to be alone with your wife for at least three years before accommodating whoever you both agree to. Most couples that started their marital journey with extra have bitter stories to tell. Get to know your wife first. It’s very important.
I don’t see her to be a bad woman in future cos her concerns are only natural and normal considering the circumstances. Also your son wasn’t raised by you or your grandparents but was raised by the same woman who seduced you as a teenager so i can imagine how the kids upbringing would look like.
Secondly during the 1st years of your marraige you should have some alone time together, get to know each other very well
For me your boy can come and spend some time but not to live with you guys permanently for now. Let her get used to him gradually before he moves in permanently and am sure by the time they get to know each other by then she would feel comfortable with him moving in.
Also you both need to have a solid communication about the issue, don’t rule her out yet cos of this issue cos her fears are only normal. I think you still need to understand and study each other more, it takes patience.
Wish you both the best, cheers!
If you feel is a red flag first of all tell her parents first you have a child. You can postpone the wedding a little bit maybe till end of the year and use this time to bond with your son and be sure he has a good upbringing. Then introduced him to your fiancee too and to calm all her fears. Wish you all the best
Hello,
This is my two cents on this matter:
You need to back up!….you are acting a little insensitive. Agreed,your boy deserves to be raised in a home with his father but if it makes your wife uncomfortable for him to come for the first few years,then you need to chill.
She didnt say he cannot come at all…she didnt say he cant come and visit….she is saying…at least not for the first few years of marriage.
Your wife is right. When you get married,its important you spend the first few years alone with your new family,build a strong foundation before allowing anyone,not just your son to come live with you.
And for goodness sake,the boy is a teenager,teenagers are not easy to raise. You will be putting yourself and your wife under serious pressure.
This boy was raised by someone who took advantage of you as a teenager….do you know how this same person has raised your boy? If you wanted the boy to be raised the proper way,she wouldn’t have been allowed to raise the boy in the first place.
Take it slow please. Listen to your wife to be. Let the boy come to visit on weekends, gradually he can come stay with you guys later in life.
As for not telling her parents: I am on the fence here because the marriage is between two of you not really her parents. She perhaps sees that her parents will bring added pressure to the marriage if they knew…so if she is happy to marry you without telling her parents…then so be it.
You need to calm down and really see with clear mind. This situation is not as bad as it seems. Everything will be alright in the end.
Cheers.