True Life Story: How I Discovered That My Husband’s Family Does Not Respect Wives
Hi Lively Stones,
I have been married for six years now. My husband was married before with a kid. His ex wife is in Turkey and remarried. As it stands, our marriage was like an arranged marriage, my Aunty in Abuja connected us. When I met my husband, he seemed cool. Obviously a well made man. And he looked very responsible too. Not particularly a modern kind of man but he was ok to me, it was not a marriage or romance, as long as he was providing for me, I was fine.
Through out our marriage, I have never bothered to ask my husband about certain things about him or his business or his source of income. My husband gives me money and I also have my own business. Until a few months ago, actually in December, he bought me a car for Christmas. So, we were filling out some forms at the insurance for my car and I saw that the car my husband bought for me is registered in his name and his next of kin is his elder sister in Italy.
I then asked my husband why is my name not on the car and why is his sister his next of kin and not me? My husband said wives’ names are not tendered on any properties in their families. That whatever the wife needs, the husband will provide and if anything happens to the husband…maybe in case of death…the family will provide for the wife. That its their tradition that wives names are not tendered on any properties.
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This was a shock to me. I went on to realize that my name is not on any of my husband’s properties. My husband is well to do…he gives me money but that is it….no properties will be willed to me. As for our children, until when they come to age 18, that is when they will become his estate beneficiaries but the next of kin remains the sister and if the sister dies, it will become the brothers.
Even though I did not marry my husband for his money, I feel like he has cut me off a part of him and this makes me think he is a wicked man for doing this. I am not desperate for his money but I will fight for what is mine. I know that by law, his legal wife is supposed to be entitled to his estate if he dies…my question now is: should I wait until that time arises or should I get a lawyer involved now?
This matter is very sensitive and it makes me feel sometimes like I don’t like the man I married…infact, I feel very upset at him cos for him to take such a decision means he does not love me or think of me as part of him. I placed him as my own next of kin for God sake. Now, am thinking I am in this marriage just to bear him children. My worth is not appreciated. And I keep asking myself…why wait for that inevitable future, why not walk away from this marriage and their senseless tradition about wives?
Please advise me…what should I do? do you think I am being paranoid for nothing?
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Remember he told you it is their tradition, involving a lawyer will not work. Tradition is tradition.
You should start saving money,thank God you mentioned it twice that your husband gives you money,get a separate account and start saving, remember he has a child outside,with the first wife,so if he is to will any of his properties,it will even start with his first child.
Remain in your marriage and enjoy your husband’s money,thank God he is still giving you money and buying you cars,madam you go nowhere. Pray that God continues to keep your children and husband alive.
Abeg allow peace to reign and don’t be bothered with their tradition jare. God bless you
Dear poster,it’s a good thing you found out on time.do not let it bother you please. Concentrate on your children and try to make plans for you and your kids.its obvious if anything happens to your husband there will be nothing left for you and your kids because his family could as well not respond. Now you know how things are gives you opportunity to make investment for the future please.you can also start getting your own property now to avoid stories that touches the heart.please forget lawyer.di not quarrel with him.the tradition has always been there before you stepped into the family.let them be.it is you that should enjoy what ever you can enjoy now.please get peace with yourself.do not let anyone decieve you to do otherwise so you don’t end up losing your marriage.my thought
I’ll advice you not to take any actions, you are already sounding desperate for his properties, talking about owning his estate when he dies, please stop.
Truth is some men have this stupid belief/fear and they tend to tag every woman as gold diggers hence this behaviour, but it is his money and his belief. Find someone that thinks differently or manage with the one you have.
You should think of how to make your own money get your own properties. Don’t get too comfortable in his/sister’s car since it’s not in your name it’s not yours avoid using when it’s avoidable… honestly I know what I’m saying wouldn’t make sense to women who like to flex their husband’s money but you’ll have your self respect if they see that you are not desperate to drive their car or use their stuffs.
Is the tradition just peculiar to their family or community? Verify if it was based on experience or agreement of the family.
Did he marry you by law -(court marriage) ?
If yes, consult a lawyer and know his take on this but not to fight yet.
At the beginning you said as long as he was providing for you, you were okay. So, be it now.
I will ask you remain okay with what he provides you with. You have a business and if you are not sure of your future in his wealth, get your own investments in your name. Seek a good lawyer’s input about your next of kin yo your investments (properties) and all.
Save from your money he gives to you and get what you seek to get from him. You didn’t adk question at the beginning and should not opt out yet cos money isn’t your focus.
Your most concern should be your children’s heritage and welfare.
Allow that peace to reign in your marriage. Maybe, you should know his source of income and be sure it’s pure so you can decide if to stay or leave. Aside that, you shouldn’t think of fighting or leaving.
All the best.
You said this “Even though I did not marry my husband for his money, I feel like he has cut me off a part of him and this makes me think he is a wicked man for doing this. I am not desperate for his money but I will fight for what is mine. I know that by law, his legal wife is supposed to be entitled to his estate if he dies…my question now is: should I wait until that time arises or should I get a lawyer involved now?”……you are a selfish woman.
You also said this “Not particularly a modern kind of man but he was ok to me, it was not a marriage or romance, as long as he was providing for me, I was fine”
In a paragragh, you said it wasnt really romance but as long as he was providing for you, another paragragh you said you didnt marry him for his money, youn are even angry he didnt use you as next of kin.
You women are really selfish, a man provides for you, and you thinking of properties, are you lazy you cant work, he gives you so much money yet you are ungrateful.
Your husband doesnt deserve you.
King na wa for u o,why do u always do this all the time? This is not right at all, u are asked to advise,not to add salt to injury for God’s sake. Stop this ur pattern of advise u dish out to people all the time,this is not the right way to advise someone please,some times just don’t say anything just n pass,becos ur way of advising someone is killing honestly, u don’t kill someone already becos u think that women are supposed to take anything that is given to them, becos we belong to that kind of a society that looks down on women. Am very sure you are an Abia State man, becos it’s them that treats their women like that, n that’s why u hardly see an Abian man marrying a non Abian woman becos of that of that their stupid tradition.How on earth can u make ur sister ur next of kin wen u have n wife n children? Do u not think about their future? N u King ,how would u feel if ur wife marrys u n still leaves her next of kin as her brother, sister,father or even her mother? Would u be cool with it? U don’t need to insult someone just so can proof a point please.
U people should try to be putting urself in the shoes of these people who brings issues her for advise,they are just asking for the right way to go about what borders them,n not for criticism.
Madam try n manage the marriage, thank God u said u have ur own business,so guide it very well n try to safe ur won money knowing fully well that ur are along In case of death,so u don’t suffer,if u go fit steal from ur husband steal n safe for tomorrow might not be very favorable for u ur kids.
Am also very sure that’s the reason his wife left him in the first place.i really hate traditional men,they have a particular way of thinking n doing things that doesn’t favor everybody but them n their family members. thank u.