Hello Lively Stones,
The Ndukas were our family friends from the 90s. We lived in the same estate in Ajao estate. We went to the same private boarding school and so normally, spent alot of our holidays together. They are three boys from the Ndukas and me and my brother. Maybe because we are Ibos, we were like a family. Sometimes I even slept in their house and my parents would not mind.
As we grew up, we went to different Universities, the Nduka boys schooled here in Naija universities but me and my brother went to the UK for university. The eldest of the brothers, Greg, came to do his master here in the UK and we connected again. This time as adults, the relationship was different. Greg turned out to be a fine young man, who studied Engineering and looking to settle down after his masters.
We clicked and you know, kinda started having feelings for each other. We been dating for a year now but our families dont know. They know we are friends but not romantically friends. The reason we have not told our families is because Greg said we should keep it between us for a while. You know, Nigerian parents and relationships, they can be nosy or controlling especially since they know Greg and I from childhood, next thing will be when are you getting married, when are you giving us grand children, etc.
However, its been like a year now and I think its time to tell our families that we are dating. But Greg said not yet. I asked him why? He then asked me to tell him about my body count. I was shocked, like WTF do you need to know my body count for? Greg was like, he cant marry a girl with a high body count, he cant be with a girl that has dated more than 5 boys in the past. I laughed cos that was the least thing I ever imagined would come out of Greg’s mouth. Even though I have dated like 4 guys in all my life but for him to say he cant marry a girl that has dated or slept with more than 5 guys before him is unbelievable.
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What is Greg trying to get at? Does he think I was a loose girl before meeting him and why is he behaving like a crude man by asking such a stupid question in this day and age. I told him I cannot tell him my body count cos its not his business. Greg then said maybe we should then take a break on the relationship, that he needs some space to think. I could not believe my ears. Do you know what take a break or space means in a relationship? That is another way of saying, lets break up.
This really hurt me because I had grown to fall in love with Greg and he was giving me all the vibes of we will end up getting married yet he had to come up with this stupid idea? Anyways, I gave him his space for like two months. He was the one who then came begging for another chance. That he knows he behaved like an idiot. Then I told him I am no longer going to keep our relationship private, our families must know. He agreed. So we got back together.
We both told our families and everyone was very happy for us. Of course, the pressure has started, when are you getting married…you are not getting any younger….bla bla bla….we told them we are looking at before the end of the year, all things being equal. In February, my parents celebrated 30 years anniversary in Nigeria, my brother and I had to travel for the celebration. Greg could not make the trip cos of his job and his masters. When we back from Nigeria, Greg started acting funny again.
This time, he was asking me what I did back in Naija, did I see his brothers? I said I only saw one of his brother, Jude, that we chatted and all that…Greg’s younger brothers Jude and Okey are in Naija doing well in their jobs but we did not see each other during my parents party in February but we I hung out with Jude a day before I travelled. Jude wanted us to just see before I left, so I went to his office, from there we went to a restaurant and that was all.
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Even after I explained all these to Greg, he was still giving me attitude, saying he needs space again. Space for what again? I am realizing that Greg has an attitude really and that attitude is like malice, he withdraws to himself alot but me I am an extrovert. If there is anything, I want us to talk about it straight. I asked him if he was upset I hung out with his brother, who is to be my future brother in-law, he said, he does not approve of me hanging out with any guy, whether his brother or not. I was like ok…I am sorry but your brother is like my brother too now….he looked at me and said, are you sure?
That was when I lost it and told him what does he mean by that? does he think I would have any thing with his brother? What kind of rubbish is this? I told him I cant deal with this kind of situation any longer. Which one is asking me about my body count and telling me that I cant go out with any guy even his own brother. I told him he has issues and I told him to f*ck off. Of course, I had to call Jude to tell him how his brother was acting cos I went to see him back when I was in Naija.
Jude was quiet and after a while, he said he thinks he knows why his brother is acting out. I asked him why, Jude then reminded me about something that happened almost 20 years ago. We were kids then. I think jn JS1 or so…we were in their house, me and Jude and Okey were watching TV. This was the first time, I was watching an adult movie in my life. The boys had got an x-rated movie and we watched it together. It was a threesome movie. After watching, we all started fooling around. Not sure we had S** but I know the boys played with my vagina and I allowed them kiss me and touch their private parts.
For heavens sake, that was about 20 years ago. And we were kids. I asked Jude if they told Greg about that, he said no but he thinks Okey told him. So that is why Greg is asking me for my body count and why I went out with his brother? So, I called Greg and asked him if he knows what happened with me and his younger brothers when we were kids, he said yes….then I asked him if that was why he was asking me about body count and why I went out with his brother….he said yes.
Greg was like, why did I not mention that something happened with his brothers. Greg said when we started dating at first, he confided in his brother Okey about us. It was Okey that told him they had a threesome when we were kids. He said that he does not hold it against me because we were kids but he wanted me to tell him about my past S** life cos he wanted to be sure I was not the kind of girl who would have S** with anyone or threesome if we get married. And that was why we first broke up but he realized he was making an assumption based on the past but when I went to naija and visited Jude, he started feeling like I wanted to see Jude for something else again.
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After all these explanation, I told Greg that I never had penetrative S** with his brothers….I was officially disvirgined by my first boyfriend about 25 years ago…his brother never put their privates inside me…we were just children and after watching a blue film, we were just experimenting. And I have never had feelings for his brothers. Greg apologized and said he just struggles to envision his two younger brothers have seen his future wife’s private parts. I told him it was wrong for Okey to say we had a threesome….we never did.
Even though Greg has apologized, I am finding it hard to continue in this relationship. Why? Cos I now realize Greg is very insecure….I realize that even though Greg now knows the truth of what really happened….he may never be comfortable with me around his brothers or any man. It was my time to tell him to give me some space. Okey have been calling to beg me not to break up with his brother. That he is sorry for the miscommunication.
Our families are wondering what is going on, they know something is wrong ….Greg’s mother is begging me to forgive her son if he has offended me, that they know I will be good for Greg since they can vouch for me as they know me from when I was small. But at this rate, do you think marriage with Greg will work out? Yes, we have sorted the misunderstanding but what if this same issue comes up again in future? Can we move past this, forgive each other and go on with the future or should we go our separate ways now?
Please advise me.
Anonymous
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Please don’t go your separate ways oooo,you just need to understand the kind of person Greg is,that’s all.
Please don’t tell him to give you space biko,as long as he is a good man,you can go ahead.
Anyone in Greg’s shoes would also like to find out about his fiance’s past, it was because of what his brothers told him that made him to ask of your body count.
God bless you
I believe Greg as esteem and other psychological issues troubling him.
If you must marry him, he needs some sort of counselling session to bring him out of his shell. He needs to grow up emotionally.
Afterwards, you can marry him cos no man is perfect.
He has apologized and he’s sorry this time.. please forgive him.
It is understandable for Greg to have been concerned, this is his future wife coming into to family.
If He truely confirms it really doesn’t matter anymore and you are happy to go and can always hold your head up high fine.
I’m quite traditional so if it were my Sister, I’ll ask her to marry into another family for her pride sake.
All the best
Dear poster,
Sincerely speaking, if I were in your shoes, I will not go ahead with the relationship. Believe me, such issues will come up again and again, because he can’t trust you to be alone with his brothers. You can’t even talk about your male colleagues to him.
I think he will always have this insecurity. Leave him be, move on.
Of course, his mom is asking you to forgive her son, but she won’t be in the marriage with you. Moreover, if such a thing happens again, maybe with another guy you call your friend or a male colleague, and he starts acting this way again, if you are asked what the problem is, you would be too embarrassed to speak of such issues with your family or his. They may want to know why he’s acting the way he’s acting. How do you go about explaining your childhood escapades?
I believe someone that will love you more is out there waiting. Leave him be. Move on.
God bless