Hi,
My name is Ada (not real name). I am am 26 years old and I have been dating Ugo (not real name too) for almost a year. We met in the bank and Ugo has been one of the best men I have ever dated.Well behaved and I see everything in him as what I want for a future husband.
I have been speaking to his folks on phone and so far,everything is cool. Only the mother though,if I don’t call her,she doesn’t call. She is in Calabar. Ugo always say not to mind her,that his mother is abit old fashioned. Anyways,I try to call but its tough with my job and other commitment.
Two weeks ago,Ugo and I traveled to Calabar to meet his family Everyone was warm and nice. I was really looking forward to meeting the people who raised this fine young man that I am madly in love with.
As expected,his mother didn’t warm up to me like his father and other siblings did. That began to scare me. My love assured me that everything will be ok,that I should just be myslf. When it was dinner time,they served a local calabar dish which I have never eaten before. To be honest,I really do not like soups or swallows.
To make matters worse,this particular dish that was served smelled alot and it was said that it was a traditional delicacy. I swear,I just couldn’t eat it. So,I played around with it but I somehow became nauseous and I had to stop trying. Ugo’s mother instead of her to be understanding got upset and said I cannot marry her son if I do not learn to eat their kind of foods.
At that point,I was upset. I didn’t come here to beg anyone to marry me. So,I replied her,its fine ma. I do not need your son if you think I am not good enough for him. Things escalated quickly. Even the family members that were nice to me,all of a sudden looked at me like I said something awful to their mother.
Ugo asked me to apologize to his mother and I just started crying. Like,why will Ugo not even defend me instead,he is taking sides with his mother and family. I left very angry even though Ugo was asking me to calm down.
I went and got a hotel where I spent the night. Would you believe Ugo didnt even come to see me if I was ok. He called to know where I was and I told him. He and I had our first major quarrel. I cried all through that night. When I called my friend though,she asked me to apologize to the mom and use diplomacy to deal with her since Ugo clearly loves me.
The next day,I went to Ugo’s house,I knelt down and begged his mother. She grudgingly accepted my apology. I still felt betrayed. I was raised in a much different home than Ugo. I know most Nigerian families eat swallows but I do not eat it. I really do not like smelly local soups. I can manage stew and Okra but that is it.
Now,Ugo’s mother is filling his head that if I do not know how to cook these Nigerian dishes like Egusi or Ogbonor or Vegetables,that our marriage will not work. Before now,Ugo ever really bothered if I could cook these foods or not but now,he tends to listen to what his mother says.
I told him I would learn to cook these foods for his sake but even with that,things have not changed. Our relationship is strained since we got back from his folks place. I feel sad and uncertain and Ugo is not as warm as before. He actually said we need to get to know each other more before we get married.
This same Ugo was ready to marry me yesterday. He did not care…he was just happy with the way I am. Now,he maybe doubting us. I love him so much. I do not want to loose him but something is telling me that I may already be loosing him. What do I do? I am desperate. I really love Ugo. Please advise me.
Ada
Photo Credit:bestnewsgh
You already know what to do,my dear relationship and marriage is all about sacrifice, if you can’t sacrifice be ready to be single all through your life, talking back at the mom was really disrespectful, if you do that to my mum as a man I will set the record clear by quitting that moment, so for your man to still be with you after the incident and also have to begged you to beg his mom,that guy love you no doubt but the rest work is in your hands, by first sincerly apologize to Ugo,secondly if you truly want to marry into that family and culture start learning to Cook and eat their meals,in essence what the mom is trying to say is that you are western, so try the best you can to be Africa by consuming our local delicacies, try my dear with time you will be used to it,so the view of the mother is that this oyibo might not sustain a successful life time marriage with my son so prove her wrong and take the lead.
Thanks for reaching out. You simply lack tact and emotional intelligence. Your potential mother in-law just pulled your leg and you lost your cool. You response does not in any way portray boldness but rather immaturity. All you needed is a good sense of humour and easiness. Simply you would have agreed with her on the need to learn their local delicacies mode of preparation. You can jokingly ask her to be ur teacher and promise to be a good student. You need a level of maturity to start a home. You finance did nothing wrong. You can still make amends if you are humble, intelligent and motivated enough. Reach out to your potential mother-in-law, deliberately make her your friend and learn encyclopedia of home building intrigues from her. Whatever good you saw in you fiance was inculcated in that home. Come down from your horse back and learn what you need most. There is no red flag here except from you. Thanks
Chayiiiii, which inlaw will invite me to eat Afang soup, Edikaikong , Atama soup , or editan soup. Patience and self control is a virtue. You ought not to have replied her. You would have used diplomacy or jokingly handled the situation.
In dealing with humans, diplomacy is the key. Being your first visit, you should have had a taste of the meal and show interest in how it’s being prepared, even when you don’t like it. Strive to please your future mother in law, because, first impression matters a lot. I can imagine what Ugo’s family must have been feeding him with against you. For him to still show interest in you, proves that he truly loves you. You have to show him how ready you are to blend in. Learn how to cook his local delicacies and cook them for him. Increase the number of times you call the mom and still apologize on phone for your behavior with a promise to be the African woman you should be. Men like Ugo are not many. Keep him
I think you allowed your anger to control you. Let me tell you this,every mother will always want to protect their son. Even if you hate this kind of food and the mother insisted that you must know how to cook and eat their food before you marry there son,you should have joked with it and let the lying dog sleep. But you want to prove no one can control you. My sister the bitter truth is that you have created a gap between you and ugo family. Try and apologize to the whole family most especially the mother,And find a cool place to talk to ugo and apologize.
Sorry to say you are wrong but you don’t please human being the more you do the more they want more. Nd for that your ugo of a guy if he really loves you he will help you out not because his mom start telling him that if you don’t know how to cook the African dish you guys should not love each other, what am seeing here your ugo is mummy boy as long as he keeps giving you all this attitude say alot
You were wrong. Next time use diplomacy and wisdom. Bring your pride down a bit. I think he still loves you though.
You’ve made the mistake in the first place and I want to believe you’ve learnt your lesson.
Try to be matured in handling matters like this next time and others too, you can do better than that…… bring yourself down and blend with the family….Las Las, you both will be fine.
You shouldnt have replied her, anyways the deed is done.. just know you’re walking on eggshells.. from the look of things, UgO will follow his mother / family advice… Make peace with yourself and thread carefully..
I’m married to an Italian and my mother-in-law can sometimes be domineering an aggressive. It happens everywhere, you know what? I never talk back even with all my madness. I even stop my husband from ever responding/ talking back at his mum on my behalf. You know why? A simple apology doesn’t make me right or wrong; it just kills the tension and things normalise with time. I think of the fact that we don’t live together so I’ll not always have to deal with what she throws at me. My dear you traveled all the way and couldn’t endure for what would have lasted for less than a week. I suggest you take marriage off your mind for now and work on yourself. You sound like one of those women who have taken this feminist ideology too far. Even if she wasn’t your mother in-law to be, you were wrong to have talked back. I can only imagine what your facial expression may have been like.
Work on yourself first, but while at it keep apologising to the entire family and boyfriend. Only the hand of God will return your relationship to normal so keep this in mind… maybe it’s a tip for your next relationship.
It was a smack of arrogance to have talked back at the mother. You cannot try it with me.
It is unafrican. You are not marrying the woman. You could have willfully joke about it and assured her you are willing to go to any extent to make your would-be husband happy. It is a duty. Now you have a lot of make up to do. Learn the soups and local dishes and start preparing it now. Let your boyfriend know you are not rigid and even teachable. Request another visit to his place and correct the earlier dirty impression. Join her mum in kitchen, ask relevant questions and follow to prepare the meals. Request for a small quantity and eat. You will not die. Love involves a lot of sacrifice and perseverance. You must fight for what you truly want. Nothing is served Alacarte.
Hello,
This is a battle of culture and upbringing. The way you were raised and your culture is different from how your boo was raised and his culture.
The thing most people from different upbringing and culture do not understand is that for a relationship to work out,they must take the time to understudy each other’s culture and upbringing while willing to make compromises now and again to make their relationship work.
Given,you were wrong to speak to his mother that way but the month was also wrong for insisting that if you couldn’t cook or eat their meals,then you cannot marry her son.
I also fault your guy for not defending you in the presence of his family. Because,you were in a strange environment,maybe you felt threatened or unwelcome.
Your boyfriend should have managed the situation better. So while you were wrong to speak to his mother that way,his mother should not have said those things she said. And your boyfriend should have managed this better. He should have spoken to his mother to be a little understanding even as he asked you to apologize and you did apologize.
Now,you say things have changed….well,maybe its for good. You have apologized but if they cannot forgive you and move past the past…then you have to forget them and move on. It was not entirely your fault. The mother and son had their own share of the blame…so they also need to understand where you are coming from and let bygones be bygones.
If they are still holding a grudge..then,that is not the type of family you want to marry into.
No one should make you feel like they are doing you a favor by marrying you. Were you wrong,yes…but were they right in their treatment to you? No…so,if you have genuinely asked for forgiveness yet they still bear this grudge…girl…please take the next bus of your life…this ship seems to have long sailed.
All the best.
Lovely response