Hi,
Please keep me anonymous. I met Peter (not real name) two years ago. He is a soldier. He was on break from service. A very fine handsome soldier. I never knew much about military people before. We got really tight.I loved hearing his war stories. A brave man he truly seemed.
When he went back on deployment,we couldn’t stop communicating. It was love and exciting. He came back 6 months later and proposed to me. I said yes and we got married with some of our family members in attendance.
Peter is an amazing guy. Fantastic lover. But our being together was cut short by him being called back again. I was devastated. I thought I could get used to this life of the wife of a soldier but I just was not ready when this time around,he could not call me for 7 months cos this time they were in a covert operation.
I was loosing my mind. I prayed like I never prayed before. I was so scared that I could not stay in our house all alone. I moved back to my parents house. My kid sister who was trying to convince me to cheer up,succeeded in convincing me to go clubbing with her one night.
Well,I needed to take my mind off things. A little partying would not hurt …would it. But that was a really bad idea. Party was lit and drinking was much. I knew this guy was feeling me but I was mad horny too. My sister was no where close to being sober to stop me. I ended up having s*x with a stranger in his car that night.
I have never been so irresponsible since university. I was mad at myself and quickly took emergency pills in the morning cos I had unprotected s*x with a stranger. That was 2 months ago. I still have no word from my husband. I am really frustrated and it may seem insensitive but I realize this life is not for me.
I cannot be that type of wife. Throughout the quarantine, I been made scared,lonely and horny. Its either I am beginning to loose my mind or something. My husband finally called yesterday. I cried throughout the call. He kept saying sorry he was gone for too long. He may be coming home next week. And that is the big problem.
I am not looking forward to his coming next week because of what I have done. I was drunk or tipsy but I know also that if this is going to be my life,I cannot be like this. I do not have the heart. I been very s*xually active in all my previous relationships,I cannot be alone for so long.
When he comes next week,I am planning to tell him that we made a mistake. I love him but I cannot live as a married woman for almost one year without seeing my husband,touching him or making love to him. I am sorry but what other choice do I have? Maybe there are woman who can wait but its just not me.
Maybe I got carried away by the romantic feeling of loving a soldier…but this romance is too deadly. Not my idea of happily ever after. I know he wont always be gone for long months but he will be gone many times most of the years of our marriage right?
How do I even look at him knowing I cheated on him when he was out there fighting for his life ? I need advice…I do not want to hurt him but if we do not address this now,I might hurt him and me later in this ‘marriage’. I need advise please.
(I know I may be judged for saying these things but I want to be honest,how do I continue living like this?)
Anonymous Email from Kenyan fan
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It Will be better to end this relationship so u will not be cheating cos he don’t deserve it
You would have made thorough findings before marrying a soldier.It is better you make more findings,think if you can still cope oooo,my sister it won’t be easy oooo I know what I am saying.I have been there before,met him and he travelled for 6months without any call from him,that was how I ended the relationship straight up,couldn’t cope at all.It is better you end things now than regret later.
This is the reason rushing into marriage is not always ideal.
It may sound insensitive if you divorce him because he goes for long operation.
You already knew who he was before jumping in.
You have to apply patience
Your happiness is key in any relationship you are involved in.just talk it over with him because I believe that every problem has a solution .
If not for the distance you both would have done well in your relationship because you both love yourselves.talk it over with him..
I wish you best of luck ma’am..
This is what I call “an unfortunate situation”.
Your husband’s vocation demands his absence from his home and your body cannot bear the absence.
You should have known what it entails marrying a soldier.
Well, if you truly love him as you said, is your love not strong enough to wait for him?
Love is supposed to bear, isn’t it?
From what you said, you have made up your to leave the marriage. But, if you can afford to look away from yourself for a moment and focus on your hubby, you will realise he’s not also happy about his absence from you, that should make you more understanding.
Whatever you decide, put him into consideration.
Hello,
You need to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Of course, you should have looked and think very well, enquire about people in such a relationship before you said Yes to him.
Too bad you want to pull out now because you Never knew this is what marrying a soldier entails.
You will break his heart now that you don’t want to continue in the marriage. You will also break your heart psychologically, emotionally, loneliness etc., if you decide to remain married to him.
Tell him what you have done in his absence and the fact that you cannot continue to live such a life in your marriage
Therefore, I will advise you (except when you have had deep discussions about this matter and you decide to change your mind) to go your own way.
But remember Marriage Is for “Better” and for “Worse”.
Ask for your husband’s forgiveness and beg God also to forgive you.
Cheers
When he comes discuss your fear with him. Tell him how you feel exactly and your struggle with the marriage. Tell him if things continue this way, you won’t have other choice than to consider divorce. See what the options he will give and how convenient the options are for you. Don’t brood too much over the extra affair you had, in your state it is hardly avoidable. You also don’t have to discuss it with him. You will have a way forward after this heart to heart discussion.
Despite everything you’ve said so far, I believe you Know the nature of the work of military personnels before saying I do and I want to believe you said for better for worst…..hmm, I wouldn’t advice you to leave him.
Stay faithful to him please, with time you’ll will overcome.
I think u need to calm down first your emotions are all over d place do a self evaluation if u do dat den ask yourself wat u really like about him don’t just leave cos of lack of s*x am not saying it’s not important but u have to think heard think about the times u shared together n hold on to that if u still feel love for him if not maybe give your self space mentally from him also telling him d moment he comes back is not a good idea after awhile u can say it
I guess you were too hasty in deciding to marry him, probably if you both courted for like 2 years am sure it would’ve given you enough clarity about this whole situation right now.
It’s really not gonna easy but you both need to talk things over when he gets back, tell him exactly how you feel and what has happened. If there would be any solution.
The truth of the matter is that your happiness is key. Just do whatever makes you happy at the end of the day but not to the detriment of his own feelings.
Patience my sister, patience!
It’s not an easy situation you’ve found yourself in but remember there’s nothing new under the sun. Someone else would have gone through same situation you’re faced with now so hold on.
You and hubby need to communicate about the situation and what has happened with the other guy. Fill hubby’s void with activities to keep you busy, it may even be a volunteering work you do or church activities. Keep up your hope alive it will be well. When hubby is around suspend all other activities and give him undivided attention.
You can do this!
Don’t forget your marriage vows dear.
Ask God for the grace.
Things will be well.
Hi
Marrying a solider could be very difficult know,but u should have considered all of these options before saying yes to a solider in the first instance, apart from u marrying them,u should have looked at the happenings around before saying yes to his proposal,now u want to give up ,is that fair? Do you think it’s fair to file for a divorce just yet? Think about it very carefully before taking the decision of divorce. N then again,u know well enough that u are s*xually active n u can easily get carried away with a little bit of alcohol y follow ur sister to the club? N even wen u got there ,u forgot very quickly that u are someone else’s wife!! Y ? U didn’t think about him while u were seated there in that club house at least? Was it all about urself n not him too?Well ,the deed is done already n we need to look for a way out of the situation, wen ur husband comes back nxt week,take a deep breath and relax before talking to him about what had happened in his absence,but before u do that,think about it very carefully n nicely,n also know that wen once u open ur mouth to tell him anything about ur ur one night stand with a stranger,be rest assured that things will change automatically for u n him,so think about it very nicely before u can do or say nothing, cheers n good luck
Divorce is not an option in this matter except you have really made up your mind. You knew what marrying a soldier entails in the first place, I advise you have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Whatever be the outcome should determine your next line of action. Cheers…
Hello,
Your honesty is what counts here. I think you need to clam down and seek counsel from an older person,someone who is probably married to a military man too.
I agree,to marry a soldier is tough but people who marry them actually show what unconditional love means. They stay true to their commitment to their military spouses no matter what. That is how true love should be.
But if you have conditions for yours…then this is not for you.
So,talk to someone to get better insight into the matter…you might change your mind after that. There are legal ways to keep one’s mind off s*x when the other spouse is not around. If that is an issue for you.
Military families have built a community of support systems for their families,that could help too.
In all,please continue to be honest…and eventually talk to your husband…he may even offer a little advise.
Just try not to break his heart but that may be the best for both of you if you truly do not think you can be a great wife to him eventually.
Wish you all the best.
As a soldier’s wife for over a decade, I am advicing you from the place of experience.
This life is tough especially in Nigeria currently. Certain deployments are not only Scarry but also costly.
My own hubby is currently deployed and I have immensed myself in taking online courses and guess what? I wake up with tasks and go to bed with my tray filled with unfinished tasks, that said.
I am so sorry you feel broken and unworthy right now. But!
Sis, what of your man?
Have you thought of him in all these?
The only hope a soldier have when deployed is the hope of coming home to his family. That’s priceless to them.
I always advice fellow wives to stay within the barracks community as you always see fellow women in same shoes as yourself and you find that you’re not alone in this and are able to employ coping mechanisms that you find workable for you.
I don’t wish that you divorce your husband and I wouldn’t suggest you come clean, as it may lead to a catastrophic event.
Reason being that many of them are broken because of the reality of the war front.
Suffice it to say, you should apply wisdom and empathy here since there are two people involved.
Thank you so much…..this advice is solid!