For Ladies Who Are Too Shy To Make The First Move ln Bed
As a lady, are you too shy to make the first move in bed?
If yes, then don’t worry, you aren’t alone, a lot of women admit that they deal with the same issue, which(for a lack of a better term) l will refer to as “S.e.x shyness.”
Most men say they love it when women make the first move in bed.
So, why then, do so many women find this difficult to do? Almost impossible, in fact.
Fatima* lies quietly in bed listening to the sound of her husband, Musa’s* breathing. She knows he isn’t asleep yet, and wonders if he fancies having S.e.x as much as she does.
But nothing happens.
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“It’s been like this for longer than l can remember,” says Fatima sadly.
“We have been married for three years now, but most nights we lie next to each other like two soldiers at attention. It was really getting to me so much that one evening, after our two kids were already asleep in bed, l plucked up the courage to try to talk to him about it. He said if l wanted S.e.x, l should do something about it. He was tired of it being left to him all the time. ‘If l don’t make the first move, we don’t make love,’ he said to me. But what does he want me to do? I long to reach out to him in bed, but l just can’t. It’s as if l become rooted to the spot. The truth is, l think it should be up to the man to initiate S.e.x in bed.”
British S.e.x therapist; Susie Wolff, has heard this kind of complaint countless times.
“A man likes to feel he is wanted,” she says.
“He doesn’t want to think that you are doing him a favour by having S.e.x with him. Women have always like being seduced, but it comes as a surprise to most of them to learn that men like it too. Musa needs to feel wanted by Fatima; he is clearly resentful that she expects him to make the first move all the time. So, he is probably thinking:
‘Why should it just be up to me? In the same way that women think it’s unfair if they have to do all the housework and child-rearing.”
So how can Fatima improve the situation?
“For a start, she could try asking Musa to tell her very specifically, what he wants her to do,” says Wolff.
“Men are often very clear in their minds about this. So ask him. Have a couple of glasses of wine each beforehand, to loosen up a bit, if that will help. And make sure you won’t be interrupted. Then you might just be pleasantly surprised by how good it can feel to initiate S.e.x in bed. It’s a lovely feeling for a woman to turn her man on, because, then, she thinks: ‘I am responsible for this his arousal. I caused this.’ And that is great for a woman’s self-esteem!”
Emeka*, 39, a trader, says he sympathises with Musa,
“A lot of women have absolutely no idea how scared men are of rejection, even in a long-term relationship,” he explains,
“I have been married to Chioma* for eight years now, and she always leaves it up to me to start things off. l’m just sick and tired of it all, because when she says ‘No’, it hurts. But when she wants S.e.x, I’m somehow supposed to be a mind reader and figure it out at once. I’m also expected to be ready for S.e.x, whenever she’s in the mood. That’s not fair, is it? Just imagine if guys also thought like that! Why should it always be us to sort out the S.e.x life? We are under more enormous pressure to perform in bed, than women realise. It can be quite a strain, even when you have been married as long as we have. Infact, the only time Chioma initiates S.e.x is if l go on a S.e.x strike! But l want it to happen naturally, without me pushing it to that extreme limit.”
But, what do men actually mean, though, when they say they want their partners to make the first move in bed?
“When Kunle* and l are in bed together, and l want S.e.x, l will just start stroking his neck and rubbing my leg against his,” says Bisi*, 32.
“We may end up having S.e.x, and, to me, it was l, who started it,” Bisi explains.
“But it doesn’t count in his eyes unless l literally grab hold of him or leap on him. It’s a Catch-22 situation, though, because when l do occasionally take the very direct approach, he assumes that l must be rearing to go. So he just carries on with it, when, in fact, l still need to be turned on, even if l have made the first move.”
Susie Wolff says, patience and understanding are needed if men want their women to do their share of initiating S.e.x in bed.
“They have to understand that women aren’t brought up to make the first moves S.e.xually, so for most of them, it feels wrong and unnatural.”
“As a therapist, l encourage couples to negotiate and perhaps agree to take turns initiating S.e.x in bed. That way, you both get what you want, or should do. Or you could try making a pact; that over the next few weeks, all S.e.xual encounters will be initiated by the woman. Then, if your man occasionally turns his back on your S.e.xy approach, you will be confident not to hurt, and to try again next time.”
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S.e.xy underwear or suggestive clothing can also be a great way to signal to your man that you are keen to get down with him.
However, not all men are turned on by lacy, crotchless panties; but there is usually something that will get his pulse—and yours—racing. And it can be great fun to experiment and find out what that is.
Wolff also suggests that the woman should always be the one on top during Love-making (you know what she means.)
That way, unlike Bisi, she can “dictate” when intercourse actually starts and stops, and enjoy things at her own pace.
“But do talk about it,” urges Wolff.
“That is the most important first move to initiating great S.e.x that you will both enjoy.”
Remember, our biggest S.e.xual organ is our brain. Which is why there is nothing as quite S.e.xy as talking about what turns you on, far away from the pressure cooker that the marital bed can become.
So why not try have a long, S.e.xy chat, before you go to bed sometimes?
Then, you both may just realize that you are already practically ripping each other’s clothes off, even before you both get to the bedroom door, and neither of you, will give a damn who started things off!
Not their real names.
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