True Life Story: Not Everyone Is Happily Married-Help My Predicament
Dear Lively Stones,
Truly, not everyone is happily married. People who know my husband and I always praise us as role models in marriage but little do they know what is truly going on. I am really shaking as I write this, I need complete anonymity as you share this, you can twist the story lines a bit to protect my identity because I don’t want anyone who knows me to guess its my story. I am a happily married woman in her forties. Happily married in the eyes of the world but inside me, I am screaming for help. Last week, despite all my resistance, I almost slept with a married colleague of mine. God saved me but the problem is far from being solved.
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Eleven years ago, I met my husband as a virgin. My husband was so thrilled, he never believed virgins existed at the time, at my age, I was already in my thirties as a virgin. He swore that he would never cheat on me since I kept my body for marriage. Everything was fine until I had my second baby. I trusted my husband and never had any intention of ever suspecting anything was wrong. So you can imagine my shock when I work up to breast feed my baby and caught my husband having s3x with our maid.
That vision broke my heart completely. Till date, anytime I recall how he bent her over and his eyes were shut in pleasure….I start crying. It took some time and counselling but we eventually overcame that incident. He begged and swore never to cheat again. Then after 2 years, he started again. This time, it was his chats I used to find out he was seeing other girls. Some from his business, others even in my street. I was devastated. Every time I confronted him, he would beg…saying he is sorry.
I read articles that counselled women who’s husbands are cheating never to deny him s3x…I never did…I started going to gym cos I thought maybe he was no longer attracted to me cos I gained some weight after having three children. I worse s3xy night gowns to bed…nothing changed. Things got so bad that I had to stop sleeping with him for fear of STDs. I actually got infected twice from him. Almost four months we had no s3x. Our pastor counselled us to to see one popular relationship coach. We did and it was there that my husband revealed that the reason he cheats is because I got married as a virgin. He said he realized that I am too good for him, that he feels he needs an experienced woman to meet his sexual needs. At the counselling, they advised him to teach me how to please him sexually.
Truthfully, we both needed to communicate our s3xual needs. I learnt how to pleasure my man and he ended teaching me things I never knew I could do s3xually. Its like I began to explore my s3xually….my body became so s3xual…I began to think of having more and more s3x. My husband could not keep up. In his mind, he felt he was being a super man but he was not even hitting up to 30%. Once he finishes first round he would go flat but I wanted s3x more…first thing in the morning…I wanted fingering…I wanted oral s3x…I wanted orgasm…I became a very s3xual woman…I began to pleasure myself with things, I would stick things inside my self just to experience pleasure.
I started buying dildos…of course, I hid them from my husband…once he leaves…I start masturbating…even at work….I sneak to the toilet to pleasure myself. It was like, I could not control myself anymore. And I never felt bad about all this…I felt like I needed this cos my husband had accused me of failing to satisfy him s3xually…now, I have became an expert in the matter. The bad part was, my husband could not handle me now. And he is not a very caring man or observant man.
What I noticed was, I began to lust after some of my male colleagues that used to pay attention to me. Like, once a guy tells me I look nice of my hair is fine…I start getting wet…I start imagining sleeping with the guy. Now, there was this guy who I knew was flirting with me but I never paid him any attention but now, I began to long for him. When he came to my office at work…I would stare at him until he became uncomfortable too. This continued for two weeks until he asked me why I was trying to seduce him. I told him it was pay back for flirting with me all these time. He then said…don’t tempt me…you will regret it.
As things would go, our company sent me and this guy to a meeting in Lekki. After the meeting, he invited me to have lunch…I agreed…after lunch….we got talking and he talked about his marriage issues…he told me that since they started having children, the only thing the wife cares about is working and taking care of the children. That he feels emotionally neglected by his wife. He has tried to talk to her several times but she thinks he is being insensitive so he has started looking outside for someone to fill his emotional need. We bonded over our marriage issues…I told him how my husband abandoned me and cheated on me….
We talked alot…it felt good that someone could relate to what we were both passing through in our marriage…one thing led to another….we ended up going to the his car to make out. There was heavy kissing…fingering…oral s3x…I was dripping…he was rock hard…he was biting my nipples with so much pleasure…I was moaning…until he tried to penetrate me…I was ready but instantly he tried to….he caught himself…he said shit…I am sorry…we cant do this…
I became confused…cant do what? He said he cant go through with cheating on his wife….that he feels terrible…but I was like…we both have had oral…why stop now…but this guy could not go through….he kept apologizing but I was mad cos I was horny as f^ck. I got out my dildo and finished the work.
I was so ashamed of myself…can you see how that man restrained himself cos of his wife? He clearly wanted me as much…his d*ck was hard like a rock….but he had self control which my own husband would never do that…now, this man has rejected me...I feel so ashamed…When I got home that day….I cried….I cried so much…cos I realized…I have lost self control when it comes to s3x…and my husband has no clue how to handle me yet he is having s3x with other women outside…maybe its a case of…he likes s3x with other women rather than me…why…why…what is happening…
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I lust and long for s3x everyday…I have became a maniac…without s3x…I cant concentrate at work…I may have escaped this last one but I know when the next opportunity presents itself…I will go through it to final. I have even tried to find random guys for hook up s3x…my only fear is, I don’t want to be blackmailed…I want to do it with someone who is responsible….that is why I am still hoping my colleague would change his mind…I am still trying to seduce him…he cant stay in the same place with me in the office anymore….he is begging me to stop it….he wants me but he is trying to be a good husband….
Oh God…why can’t my own husband adore me like this man…instead my husband has exposed my virgin body….I want to experience other d*cks…the craving has taken over me….From the outside…no one would suspect this is what I am going through…I am a respectable happily married woman but my libido is out of control…Please help me…water don pass garri…advise me.
Anonymous
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Chaii, this is so terrible. The devil is really on the rampage against marriages.
Dear Poster, unfortunately, your case has gone beyond the physical. You need divine help. But, you need to help yourself first. Do away with all those sexual toys you have. Yes. If you want to redeem yourself from this path of destruction you are onto, you must do away with those items that are your accomplices.
Then have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Talk to him. He’s your husband. Let him know what is going on with you. I hope he truly understands what is happening.
Then seek for prayers. You need prayers of deliverance. The situation has gone beyond what you can stop by yourself because it has gone beyond your power. Don’t be ashamed to seek for help from true deliverance ministers. Believe me, your life is at stake.
Your husband equally needs the same deliverance, but if he’s not willing, save yourself.
Dear Poster,
Something is wrong…
And that is… Communication and bonding is lost on the poster and her husband.
Biologically…individual bodies begin to experience certain hormonal changes as they age.
This happens for both men and women
Sometimes… It could be a decrease in sexual. Libido or an increase in sexual libido
Once that is understood… One needs to understand that sex is beautiful and should be enjoyed intentionally in marriage.
Couples need to intentionally make time for intimacy… And sex.
Couples need to be able to communicate sexual needs without being judged by their spouses.
There is nothing wrong in scheduling sex… Plan towards it…. Keep the schedule unoccupied…. Warm up towards the schedule
Take natural aphrodisias… Honey, dates, pineapple, etc
Talk to your spouse… Place no shame…
Learn new sex skills
All sex must not be penetrative… Learn other forms that give pleasure
And have understanding for each other especially when the other person is experiencing stress or tiredness…. Keep a rain check when expectations are not met during a sex appointment with spouse
Plan small vacations… Even within your home… Set the mood…send the kids to a relative’s..Buy candles, set the music… Explore within your home
Don’t forgot to keep the romance alive…. Just because the marriage is getting old… Does not mean the romance should get old
Compliment each other’s looks… Flirt with each other
Learn to kiss, cuddle and tickle each other… Find funny things to do together
Be each other’s best friends.
All of the above requires serious intentionality and commitment.
People who cheat unfortunately give that intentionality and commitment to the wrong people…
Channel that energy to your spouse…
Finally poster…. Talk to your spouse…
Forgive yourself… Deed is done.. You are experiencing a stage in your biological life…. It will pass…soon..sex go Taya you…you won’t always be horny….
But for now…know that You are in charge of your body…. Your body is not controlling you
Learn self control and discipline
Poster is also hurt by husband’s infidelities… Well… Decision is for poster to forgive husband and seek therapy for husband
If the above fails… Poster needs to decide to accept husband and his flaws or seek separation….
It’s is not Adviceable to cheat just because husband is cheating
Both husband and wife will answer to God… Marriage bed must remain undefiled.
Work on your marriage… And learn to breathe….
Cheers.
Dear Poster,
The situation at hand is such a pity.
Your husband hasn’t been so kind but you can’t become bad to satisfy your urge and play the same card he plays on you.
Well, water no go pass garri.
Everything we would do depends on our choice.
When you started longing for a touch and sex with your colleague, did you reconsider your position as a Christian and a wife?
When your colleague stopped in-between the act because he wanted to be faithful, that should have been a wake-up call for you to stop and be faithful to your God and your husband. It wasn’t good to support your urge by comparing your husband and the man. You should compare yourself with his wife who isn’t seducing another man.
You are in charge of your life and feelings.
Please, I will advice you to find a way to distract yourself by focusing on your children and what elevates your mind and personality.
Focus on learning a new skill or interest aside sex, you will be fine.
Call your husband and be open about your feelings and current desires for more sex. Have a heart to heart conversation and demand he pays attention to your body and marriage.
Commit to understanding his current predicaments and body changes and be kind. If he is actually cheating, use condom and be safe.
Your marriage needs you both to work it out.
It’s a challenging time, don’t let the devil win and get shamed.
Yes, he cheated but you remained with him. It wasn’t made public. But, if you get caught or your husband finds out, you would be exposed,shamed and it will lead to divorce.
While you use your dildo, give your body break and be the master over your emotions and feelings.
Don’t let your feelings drive you into a regrettable experience.
Devot time to pray seriously for your marriage. It isn’t about you not giving him a good sex , but it’s him not satisfying you now and you are hurt.
Pray. Have self control. Be focused on your kids,marriage and self. Don’t give room for had I know.
If possible,return to the same pastor, get a therapist to help you with your current sexual health and be good.
I wish you