My Boyfriend & His Cousins Are In Love With Me But I Can Only Love One Of Them
Dear Ma,
I am in a foreign European country to work and better my life and the life of my family back home. It was my boyfriend that helped me get a place with his cousin that lives in this country. I came to work and make a life that my boyfriend and I can get married in a few years time and he can join me.
This cousin is not married but has a foreign girlfriend. They welcomed me and assisted me to find new life here in this country. I met the cousin’s brother who is a medical doctor few months later. He is so handsome and nice to me. But he is not in a relationship or so I think.
We all our like family and sometimes just hang around and gist or watch movies after work and weekends. Later on, I started noticing the way the cousin was looking at me. He flirted with me when no one is looking.I kept tell him to stop cos he has a girlfriend and my boyfriend is his cousin.
I did not tell my boyfriend cos I don’t want to cause trouble for them cos they are relatives but the flirting continued. He kept telling me how he has strong feelings for me and he wants to break up with his girl to be with me. I kept telling him no and that made him start treating me badly in his house.
He would complain when I touch the TV or eat anything in their fridge. Started saying I am dirty and just generally finding faults and issues with me. I told his brother that is a medical doctor and that one asked me to come stay with him. I had to find a lie to tell my boyfriend back in Nigeria why I left this cousin’s place. I told him their place was small and far from my work.
That is how I started staying with the cousin that is a doctor. He is nice to me and I felt comfortable until one night,he came back from work. He seemed stressed and so I made him food,so he can eat and relax. After eating and gisting for sometime,I went to my room to lie down.
A few hours later, I noticed the lights was still on and he was sleeping in the sitting room,still in his work clothes after eating and gisting. I tried to wake him up to go to his bedroom. That was when it happened. I cannot say he was sleepy eyed but he got up,pulled me to him and started kissing me.
I should have resisted him but for some reason…maybe because I hadn’t been intimate in a long time, I yielded. That is how a relationship started. We both felt guilty that night but we also realized the strong emotions we had for each other.
Every day, I struggle to find the words to tell my boyfriend back home that things have changed. He still calls me and I am not avoiding his calls hoping he gets the message…but he has been so good to me,it hurts me to want to break his heart …but then,I am truly in love with his doctor cousin.
Its been almost 6 months…is it time to tell my boyfriend back in Nigeria or let him find out and maybe get angry and break up with me….his other cousin that was flirting with me found out about us and is threatening to tell my boyfriend except I allow him sleep with him.
This guy is wicked…he is not even minding that I am with his brother..he still wants to sleep with me. I know if I tell his brother…things will be bad between them….and my boyfriend at home will hear and everyone will blame me for breaking up a brotherhood.
How do I manage all of these? How do I get out off this disgusting cousin and how do I break up decently from my boyfriend in Nigeria? How do I even manage the situation so I do not get thrown away to the streets cos I have no where else to stay if the problem with both cousins become bad.
Please don’t judge me…I never planned any of these…I tried to remain faithful to my boyfriend at home but I failed…
Please advise me…
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Thanks for reaching out.
This i will say is the problem when two young adults start living together in the same house and they are not related but don’t create boundaries for themselves.
My sister, do you really think you’re in love with the cousin you’re staying with? Guys have S.e.x but may have no emotional attachment to it while women hold on so dearly.
It’s time to start speaking before the cousin brother blackmails you and you get thrown out while the guys continue with their brotherhood like nothing happened.
Take a good deal at this relationship or casual S.e.x you’re having with the guy you’re staying with and evaluate it well to know if there’s any future in it, ask the guy too so that you know of you both are just friends with benefits.
Meanwhile you have to start talking to your guy back home before he finds out from his cousin. He may break up with you and tell his cousin to ditch you but it’s safer to come out clean.
I wish you the best.
You stayed too long living with a single man. S.e.x knows no boundary that is why you find a lot of sad S.e.x stories out there.
First of all get an apartment.
Then define your relationship with your S.e.x mate. What does he want? What are his plans? Is he willing to face his cousin? Can he defend what you have in the midst of oppositions that will arise from breaking up with your boyfriend?
For all you know this could just be a fling. I think you need to decide all these and most importantly tell your boyfriend the truth.
He will be hurt and end your relationship which by the way was ended by you.
In my opinion, there is no need to return back to your boyfriend back in Nigeria since you have slept with his cousin and family.
Start looking for how to find work and get a place of your own.
Immediately discuss with the cousin whose house you are currently in , let him know what the whole situation is, including what his brother wants you to do without making his brother look bad. Find out from him if he is in a relationship and let him define what is going on , hear what he says gently and listen out to know if he has any intension to marry you.
Immediately after discussing with him , speak with your boyfriend and let him know what has transpired. So he is not hanging in there for nothing. Let him know before someone else tells him ( very important). Be gentle.
NEVER give in to the cousin who has a girlfriend but wants to sleep with you. He clearly wants to destroy you ( reputation) with all his threats and the way he is going about everything.
If the Doctor cousin you are with still wants a relationship with you, still move out, let him go about the process in a dignified manner.
Don’t carry on living in his house and sleeping with him just because he is nice or promises you marriage.
Move out, stop the S.x, if he really cares for you and misses you, let him defy all odds , all the accusations that will come, (note his Parents may hear the full story) and marry you then enjoy you.
Let the taste of action, cause him to do the right thing.
Recommit to God. Find work. Join a good Christian community. Think of the future. Get your dignity. Don’t let anyone drag you into the mud.
I hope you can think beyond the present comfort.
All the best,
Uche
You are amazing!
To add
A number of single ladies who travelled to foreign countries who had no family here had to start of renting , working several jobs , some while studying, except where their sponsors could provide ( most of monies brought Ito overseas countries finish up quickly anyway if there is no consistent supply due to the exchange rate) , join a Christian community, make friends and eventually marry .
Some come in and land into the arms of a man who can take off the burden of accommodation ( which can be expensive), eventually get pregnant, break off, they become single parents , start off on benefits from the country, before long start seeing another man , 2nds pregnancy before the eventually marry.
Choose the narrow path … enjoy later.
How sure are you that the cousin doctor you’re living with isn’t just having a fling with you cis you don’tt have any other place to go? That is one.
How sure are you that what you feel for him is love and not lust or S.e.xual love cos you’ve not had S.e.x in a long while and your boy friend isn’t there? That is two.
Baby girl ponder over these two questions.
First try to get a house of your own even if it means squatting with a female colleague from work. You need to stay away from those cousins cos all I see is they see you as a play toy or prey and sooner than later the other one will pounce on you. So please try working on getting an accommodation, you need to be far from them.
Trust me when you leave that house, you’ll get to know what exactly you feel for the doctor cousin.
Then secondly, you need to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him cos I think he cares for you. Tell him everything that happened and take a break from the three of them.
Is not going to be easy but be true to yourself and pray about it all. I pray everything works out good for you.
No more S.e.x with the doctor cousin please, try holding back please.
Hello,
I agree with @Uche.
You need to redefine your life goals and set things right. It maybe hard to settle down in a foreign country but sleeping with someone who is not your husband is not right. Work on getting your own place…stop having intercourse with the doctor.
Stay away from the evil cousin too and please tell your boyfriend to move on as you have broken that relationship.
You could pursue a relationship with the doctor in future but know that the family may not see you in good light for coming in between the men.
It would be better to move on from all three of the men.
Cheers.