My Wedding Was A Mistake – It Is So Hard To Stay Committed-Pls Advise
I got married to the most beautiful woman in the world. I been with a lot of ladies so I would know. Before Gina (not real name)my wife came, I never fancied myself being a married man. Do not get me wrong, all the marriages around me, starting from my parents marriage were nothing to write home about.
My mother is bitter about men cos she had all three siblings from three men. They all probably promised marriage and they all disappointed her. So, eventually…she has us her kids, and she has never married anyone. My Uncles, some of my relatives and friends all have stories about bad marriages…so in my subconscious….what is the big deal about getting married.
That is not to say I never fell in love. I have been in love but soon as the lady starts to bring up marriage topic…I let it go. Not for me. Until I met Gina. Gina is beautiful inside and out. We were friends before we became lovers. She used to speak to my soul. She knew how broken I was…and she was like my personal person despite all.
We joked around being besties too hot to date each other. I knew I had feelings for her…and somehow…that feelings took over one time…I found myself strongly attracted to her…she fell for me too…we broke up a year after cos I did not want to hurt her…the relationship was too good to be true…I was happy…she was happy but I knew she would soon start thinking marriage….so, I let her go again.
We did not speak for another year and when I ran into her…it was torture…she was dating some dude that their pictures together made me sick with jealousy and rage….I called her and we met…I told her I wanted her back…she said no way…that I was unlovable…that she wanted love and marriage or nothing….I said yes…
That was like …unbelievable…even me…I did not believe myself. But I just wanted Gina at all cost…we were in love…I could not stay one day without her. People around me did not believe I was going to get married when we got engaged…a week to my wedding…I almost died of heart attack…I was panicking….I switched off all my phones and went rogue.
I travelled to SA…I wanted to clear my head but I had so much to drink and I partied like a fool…I was with several girls…it was like I wanted to remind myself what I would miss if I went ahead to get married…I was scared to get married…but I did not know how to tell Gina…so I ran away. And did some really bad things I cannot even mention here.
I got sober three days after. Cried myself to stupor…I knew I had to get married…not because I want to but I cannot disappoint Gina…I got back to Nigeria…I made some dumb excuse for my absence…somehow, I managed to fake being ok and got married days later. It was the happiest day for Gina. Everyone credited her for changing me.
Marriage was surprisingly beautiful. I was in love with my wife….she did everything to make me happy…our son came in less than a year of marriage…I settled into marriage life but I had a burden. I felt trapped inside my marriage…for just no reason…here I am with the most beautiful woman any man could want but I was fighting the temptation everyday to be free and mess around with other ladies.
I turned to p*rn to try to divert all the s*xual tension I was feeling…but I only became an addict from it. Ladies still found their way to my dm…sending me nu-d-es and I was battling with trying to stay faithful to my wife. I felt she could no longer satisfy me. I would long for times too hide and jerk myself off to some p*rn. I was hiding my pain.
I asked myself several times what was wrong….why do I feel so trapped when I have such a beautiful family? This has been my struggle in three years of marriage… I made a mistake getting married…but then…why is it so impossible to stay married and focused on one woman?
Two weeks ago…I was weak. I made a trip to Abuja for business…I ended up messing up with some girls in my hotel room. I felt good…happy and free to enjoy my life but I hated myself for doing this to myself and my wife and son… but I cannot control the urge that wants me to do it again…I am struggling and I need someone to talk to…maybe I am not made to be a married man…I definitely not proud of the type of married man I have become…
I fell in love but love is not enough…how do I make myself commit to this thing called marriage when all I want is to be free and live as I want? I have become someone you call a cheater but I just want to express myself…and marriage does not allow me to do that…
The more I feel like this…the more I feel soon, my wife will find out and this may lead to a divorce…maybe that is inevitable…but Gina deserves better than this…I promised her…I promised myself…how do I prevent the betrayal that I see coming if something is not done quickly….I need advise fast…
Anonymous
Photo Credit:masterlife
Pls Share Story
I understand your plight…
What your mum went through is what’s affecting you..You have a wonderful family like you said and I would advice you stick with them..
Above all, you need help(have you thought of going to a therapist). I think that’s the best thing for you
Please refer him to a shrink. Your problem is deeper than marriage. Some sessions of therapy could help. If you truly want to make it right for you, you need a therapy.
You are gradually making it a circle, remember what your mom went through cos of men. If you continue on this path your son will become another “You” and I’m sure you would not want that for him. Pray, see a therapist. All shall be well.
Freedom is far beyond what you have described here.
What you have just started here is bondage, your soul and mind are trapped in the wrong direction and until you break free you can’t enjoy the peace that comes with freedom…
God has blessed you with a beautiful family, please don’t lose it for anything that you know in your heart does not worth it. Try and make a deliberate effort, be intentional about your family. You can change the stereotype in your family. Brother, be and build that great standard that people can say, If he can succeed in his marriage, then I too can.
Importantly, you need to seek the face of God and pour out your heart to him. He alone can fix you up. Seek professional help too.
To add, you can also travel along with your wife and get adventurous with her.
Let love lead you.
You are gradually making it a circle, remember what your mom went through cos of men. If you continue on this path your son will become another “You” and I’m sure you would not want that for him. Pray, see a therapist. All shall be well.
Wow…..what inspired me here is just one thing
The fact that you hate what you do…….you want to be the faithful husband…..that’s the hope in your situation….. I see hope …..and I see change.
First you need to understand that you have to make up your mind to be faithful..the vows you took before God…… At the alter…..don’t forget that…….every moment you commit adultery you are making God turn his face away from you…..the only friend you have is Jesus…… Start talking to him ……this may sound crazy but talk to him …..like you see him……tell him your pain ,your fears ,your worries……I’m telling you he will give you answers …..in ways you don’t expect…..
Next seek counselling……. With your wife too…
Be the change in your family and end every bad pattern ….like the unhappiness others have been through including your mom….make up your mind to set an example for the sake of your kids…..mostly for God…… Let every act of immorality look disgusting in your eyes ,that’s the first way to start getting it of your head….every woman that steps up to you with immoral intentions shut her off your life…..walk with God…. And he will walk with you.
Dear Poster, there is more than meet the eyes here. Marriage problems runs in your family, look at your analysis. Your mum, her siblings have one issue or the other with their marriage. Truth is that that spiritual thing that made marriage impossible for your mum and her siblings is coming strongly for you by making feel trapped in your marriage despite the beautiful family you claim to have.
I will suggest that you turn your whole life to God. Look for a Bible believing church, confess your sins, repent and then hand over your life to God. Then watch God fight your battle and calm your soul.
Porn, adultery and so on will only make more miserable and if you loose your family, you won’t forgive yourself.
Let God do it for you
Bro, thanks for sharing your burden. Definitely you cannot carry it alone.
You are a wonderful person, a loving husband and a proud father. I want you to fight with all your Willpower to remain faithful to your wife and family.
You said in your post that; “I was in love with my wife….she did everything to make me happy”
Please strive more to keep her happy also…she deserves it. Don’t hurt her ! Confess your weaknesses to her, visit Marriage Professional together and above all, seek God for help…pray together and the Lord God will send Needed help and Deliverance to you.
Cheers
You need to undergo a deliverance session Asap. This is a spiritual cycle in your family and can only be broken through prayers and your deliberate actions. Seek the face of God by first of all surrender your life to Christ, undergo a deliverance session with any bible believing church like Mountain of Fire. Then go to therapy with your wife. This too shall pass. Wish you all the best.
You do not love your wife.