Many Christians are uncomfortable talking about s*x because they are taught that having s*x is wrong and discussing s*x is unacceptable. Our only understanding of s*x comes when we have entered the covenant of marriage. This is one of the big reasons why having conversations about s*x even into adulthood can be difficult.
Many who do choose to wait have false expectations about s*x because of lies they were taught growing up and are disappointed and disheartened when they realize that s*x was not everything they were told it would be. The truth is Christians should be talking about s*x. Here are six conversations Christians should be having when it comes to s*x.
S*x is not shameful.
God does not want s*x to be done in a way that there is any shame. Proverbs 5:18-23 calls to question a man’s lust of another man’s wife: “Why, my son, bed intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? For your ways are in full view of the LORD, and He examines all your paths.
The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast. For lack of discipline, they will die, led astray by their own great folly” (Proverbs 5:20-23). Many people experience shame regarding s*x. The Bible reminds us that s*x should be done in such a way that there is no shame. Sometimes shame is the devastating feeling we bear because we have been s*xually sinned against. This does not mean that it is a shameful act.
What your s*x life might be like when you first get married.
Many Christians are taught that their s*x life will automatically be amazing when they wait until marriage, but there is no guarantee that this will be the case. When couples do wait to have s*x and find out it isn’t the case, it can lead to frustration and disappointment. If newly-married Christians don’t receive the proper preparation, communication, and education, their s*x life may struggle.
This doesn’t diminish the value of waiting, but couples shouldn’t have false expectations about waiting. It likely won’t be fireworks the first time. Fulfilling each other’s s*xual needs takes work. This will take time and commitment. It doesn’t happen because you waited.
Fulfilling each other’s needs.
Many couples buy into the notion that s*x is solely about fulfilling a man’s needs. This idea often comes from Bible misinterpretation and the myth that s*x is only done for the man’s pleasure. It isn’t about a woman fulfilling a man’s needs but men and women satisfying each other’s s*xual needs.
Couples who talk about s*x have better s*x. It turns out an essential part of cultivating a healthy s*x life is talking about a healthy s*x life. When partners talk to each other about their s*xual needs, their conversations are often indirect, vague, and unresolved.
Couples in s*xually satisfying relationships understand that great s*x takes effort. You have to nurture your relationship inside and outside of the bedroom. While we are all busy these days, our relationship and s*x lives can’t survive on the scraps of our time and attention.
People in s*xually satisfying relationships prioritize quality time alone together. In this busy, chaotic world of daily activities, tasks, and schedules, it is easy to forget that the person you chose to spend your life with is the person who can make your days brighter and the road ahead more comfortable to travel.
The reality of waiting.
There is a common myth that if you stay pure, you’ll end up with your dream spouse. This builds some high s*xual expectations. The truth is, God is not a genie who grants our wishes if we do what we believe is right in His eyes. We are not guaranteed a fairytale spouse or s*x life if we wait. While we can find great joy in waiting, this idea can be misleading for many Christians.
Pleasure is for both parties.
The Bible describes the pleasure that husbands find in marriage with these words: “Rejoice with the wife of your youth….Let her own her breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly” (Proverbs 5:18, 19). This does not mean that wives are excluding from pleasure in their marriage with their husbands.
God also intends for wives to enjoy s*x. The Bible says that husbands and wives should satisfy each other’s s*xual needs: “Let the husband give to his wife her due and let the wife also do likewise to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
If you had s*x before marriage, you are not damaged goods.
Christian culture pushes that you are not whole, clean, or pure if you have premarital s*x. If you have s*x before marriage, you are presenting a ruined self to your partner, which makes you damaged goods. The truth is you are not damaged goods.
This lie can be especially harmful to victims of rape and s*xual abuse. Not being a virgin does not mean you are “less than” broken or undeserving of love. It also does not make you unworthy of a godly spouse or a blessed marriage. Always remember that our God is one of forgiveness and grace.
He does not withhold it, especially from those who ask for it. First John 1:9 promises that if you confess your sins, that He is faithful to forgive and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Psalm 103:12 also promises, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” In addition to forgiveness, God wants you to embrace His grace to help you embrace the promises He has for you with joy.
It is tough having conversations about s*x when you are taught that it’s wrong to have them. While it can be awkward to talk about s*x, it is not wrong. We must talk about s*x, so we have the healthiest, most fulfilling relationships possible.
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