True Life Story: My Husband Scammed & Slept With My Neighbor-The Shock Is Slowly Drowning Me
Dear Lively Stones,
I need your advice because I am at a cross road right now. So, my husband and I have two children and I am pregnant with my third child. And yes, I just found out that he slept with my neighbor, a single mother, and also scammed her. I first got pregnant in my final year in school and the doctor warned against abortion because I had had 3 prior. So I had a baby but my parents refused the idea of getting married before I graduate. So, I had the baby and finished school. Then my boyfriend and I started planning for wedding while I went for service year.
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It was while I was away at service, I found out he was cheating on me. So we cancelled the wedding. We broke up and went our separate ways. But being parents to a lovely son meant we were always in each other’s life. Along the way, he started telling me he was missing me and all that …I believed him cos I was still in love with him. He broke up with the chick he was with and we both got back together.
In the process, I got pregnant again. My parents were furious but they gave us their blessings. We did our traditional marriage and we had our second child after. Things were going fine until I caught my husband and my neighbor’s maid f#cking one day. It was so humiliating. My neighbors were so upset cos they said my husband has been prying on so many young girls in the neighborhood and they had been warning him. I wanted to leave him but he kept begging and everyone in the family kept saying to forgive him since they are kids involved in the marriage.
This scandal was so much that I only agreed to remain in the marriage if we moved out of the apartment. It was too shameful to live in the same compound where everyone was calling your husband a community preeq. So I packed my things and went to live with my inlaws. I asked my husband to let us know when he got a new place, then we would return. A few months later, he told us he had gotten a new place but that the place needed fixing. Every time I called to check on the house, he would say the house was still been fixed.
Finally the house was ready and we went back. On getting back, I was surprised at how much the house looked so beautiful, I was so impressed, I asked him who did all the decorations, he said he got an interior decorator. He made me believe he decorated the house as a way to apologize to me and then he also got me a brand new car as an apology. I was happy. It was not time to put the past behind us.
Or so I thought. It all started when I noticed that one of our neighbors, a single mother was not being friendly with me. There are three families living in the compound, the other family are quite nice whenever we see each other but this woman is not. Anytime we bumped into each other, I would greet her but she would not respond. I told my husband what I observed and he was like, must I greet her cos clearly, the woman does not want to be friends with me. After that, I let her be. Its been almost a year since we have been living in that house and I am pregnant with our third child.
One day, I was going for ante natal and my car would not start. So I called hubby who said he would send someone to check for me but that I should take an uber. So I was standing trying to get an uber when my neighbor, the friendly one saw me. So she offered that her driver take me to wherever I was going. I said no but she insisted. Omo, the driver was a big amebo. Very talkative. He talked about his employer and said I should not be moved by her kindness, that she is a wicked boss.
I tried to maintain my cool but he kept going so I told him, to appreciate his boss who is friendly as against our neighbor who is not. He kept quiet and said, you know why that neighbor is not friendly to you abi? I said, no I don’t. The driver begged me not to mention his name but said that before I moved into the house, the neighbor and my husband were always seen together in our apartment. That it was the neighbor that decorated our house cos she is an interior designer.
That revelation hit me so much anxiety that I told the driver to tell me if thought they were having an affair. The driver said everyone thought my husband was single until I appeared. That it was not only the neighbor that was coming, other women were coming and the women mostly slept over and left the next morning. I swear to God, all through my ante natal, I was so nervous. I was thinking the worst. That my husband and the neighbor had an affair and may still be having one.
I knew if I asked my husband, he would deny, so that evening, I waited for the neighbor to return from work and I went to her apartment. She was shocked to see me at her door…before she could say anything, I asked her…why are you sleeping with my husband? The shock on her face was epic…she opened her mouth and said….I am not sleeping with your husband…your husband lied to me that he was not married…that he has a baby mama….so she never knew about our marriage. That she even decorated the house for free for my husband because she thought they were both an item. That the decoration cost over N6M and my husband paid nothing for it.
I felt so weak and betrayed after hearing this woman talk. It was clear my husband f#cked her and scammed her. She apologized saying she had no idea we were married until I showed up. She said she was desperate cos she had been single for a long time and she fell totally for my husband. Then I asked her if she is still seeing him, she said no but that my husband has not stopped asking her ….she showed me many of his messages he had been sending her….alot she said she deleted before she finally blocked him. This lady is a single mother desperate for love and admitted she foolishly fell for my husband.
Oh God….I cried in front of her…she too cried and was begging me to forgive her that she never knew…I ended up feeling sorry for her more but right now….I am actually vexed, exasperated and feeling very murderous of my husband. We were planning to do court wedding after our 3rd child but right now…I feel like I just entered one chance with a serial cheater…like is this going to be my life now? Does this mean everywhere we go, my husband must disgrace me in front of neighbors? Imagine that so called nice neighbors, all knowing about this and been laughing behind my back? How do I continue to live in this house?
How do I continue to raise children in a home where their father cannot respect their mother to be faithful for once? I really am so upset and disappointed in myself for ever forgiving this man after the first time he cheated…I should have known he could not help himself. I have not been able to confront him since I left the neighbor’s house yesterday…I cried myself to bed…I even took sleeping tablet so I could sleep before hubby returned from work cos I dont want to face him.
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If I faced him, I dont know what I will do…I am five months pregnant…my BP has been going up and down…that is why I have sleeping pills with me but right now…I almost feel suicidal. I need help please…what am I going to do with this man? Is this how my life will be now? Only God knows how many more women are involved with my husband….and I am usually the last to find out…I feel like the whole world is laughing at me…I just want this pain of constant betrayal to go…I feel like ending it but I am so scared of leaving my children….
I am feeling very vulnerable and depressed….please I need your help…I have not been able to get my appetite since yesterday…I have just been using the sleeping pills to drown my sorrows. Please help.
Anonymous
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Dear poster,you saw all the signs and still went ahead to marry the community preeq….
This is all your fault woman, it’s so painful that you’re already pregnant with the third child,kaiiii
This one doesn’t have solution oooo,you just have to live with him like that and overlook unless you want to seperate or divorce, then how will you cater for the three kids? Just keep managing nne, it’s well..
Everywhere he goes,he keeps distributing his something like a father Christmas.. No selfcontrol, discipline and respect for his wife and children including himself, doesn’t even have respect for himself either .
You have two choices
Keep managing with him till his Creator helps him or seperate from him because of your sanity and mental health biko nne
Dear poster
Either accept the idea of an open marriage and run your marriage like a business venture or get a divorce.
Cheaters only change when they decide to do whatever it takes to stop cheating. It’s much like other addictions: it’s destructive and selfish behavior that requires hitting bottom, agreeing to a total change of lifestyle
Good luck to you.
Madam, please I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath and look around you. Do you love your children and don’t wish them to suffer in the hands of another woman? Then, you need to live for them.
Do you even love yourself? Then you need to live.
You are pregnant and need to be very careful at this time because of the baby growing inside your womb.
Love yourself and your children. Let that be the most important to you now. See the doctor and make sure you and your unborn baby are in sound health. AFTER you give birth to your baby, then, you can decide whether to continue living with that man or not. He’s completely shameless.
Awwwww….This is sad. He has really hurt you. You don’t deserve this bad treatment. His indiscipline has become habitual.
This case has surpassed internal padding or resolution; please involve his father and yours in the matter. E get why. They are mature men and will understand and handle him better. I believe he will listen to them, honor them and stop.
Meanwhile, in fairness to him, it’s possible he’s going through a certain condition that makes men allergic to female body transformation during pregnancy and after childbirth. You know you rushed your kids. Some men are allergic to anatomical changes and seek alternative or additional intimacy outside the relationship. You both need therapy to heal. It is possible. It is doable. It is correctable.
Dear Poster,
This is avoidable scenario but you said you love him and here you are having more kids.
Well, the major focus is you and your baby.
If anything happens to you, your kids will suffer and your husband will definitely continue with his lifestyle.
If being home freaks you out, then get his family involved and let them know what he has done again.
Move in with them so you will get a proper care.
Try to distract yourself with essential things about your kids and your new baby on the way. Learn a skill and be busy. If you don’t work, start planning to start working to have your money after childbirth.
After your childbirth, you may have the discussion over your marriage. But, it’s your cross to bear.
Either you stay and pray for his change or leave but pray and don’t take a rash decision.
Play music every time, chat with your friends and have the remaining time for you and your kids.
You deserve to live and be happy.
I hope you get it right.
Dear poster
Firstly my advise to you is to be careful of unprotected sex with him. Even if you should choose to stay, which I’m not recommending. The last thing you want is to find he’s passed something incurable along to you.
Secondly Don’t continue to invest your time, love, and commitment to someone who is not committed to you. You might NOT know the reason for his behavior but if he is constantly behaving as if he’s not in a relationship . It’s not you, it’s him with unresolved issues. If you remain in a relationship that does not satisfies you and makes you feel hurt. You will eventually get used to these feelings and being unhappy will become familiar to you. You then will feel some satisfaction upon any form of attention he has towards you. This will be your never ending roller coaster of emotions that leads to confusion. With time you may even validate or justify his behavior.
Love is not enough in a marriage, it requires commitment, communication, and dedication. When a person remains in a relationship where he or she is not valued, one loses their identity trying to please and chase the one who wants to get away. This does not mean there are no loving feelings involved. a form of love can exist, but not in the same way perhaps you are giving him and expect back.
Holding on to someone who has no interest in sharing love and goals only with you is a way to enslave yourself to emotions such as, despair, jealousy, confusion, emptiness, loneliness just to mention a few. This will make you very unhappy and can affect your emotional stability, health and hinder your true potential.
Take a moment to decide how you want to live.
Best of luck
Everything is clear my sister. He cannot change you either love with him or move on but for now focus on your health, the pregnancy and the children. That man is a lost course