HomeAdviceDoes Open Relationship Work Out In Modern Marriage-Pls Advise

Does Open Relationship Work Out In Modern Marriage-Pls Advise

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Does Open Relationship Work Out In Modern Marriage-Pls Advise

Good Morning ma,

Please post quickly for me: I need advise in what to do. I know some people may not agree with the choices I have made but I wish they can walk in my shoes for a bit before jumping to conclusion. Now, there is this guy who is a colleague at work. I am in madly in love with him.

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Let me tell you how it started: I been working in this company since end of my service year in 2016. Then, I was in a relationship that I thought was going to end in marriage but that is story for another day. I was really heart broken when things did not work out and I closed my mind to any form of relationship or intimacy since then.

Last year, Jerry (not real name) came to our company. He was in Germany but was poached to come work as an expatriate in our company even though he is a Nigerian. Jerry and I clicked as colleagues and he made me laugh alot to the extent that I became his personal plug to get around settling down in Nigeria.

I helped him pick out his apartment, introduced him to the nice spots and restaurants and basically, help him feel at home. Jerry told me about his fiancé-girlfriend. They been together for seven years. I asked him why he has not married her, and he said she is a feminist and does not believe in Marriage.

This is the first time I would hear that a girl does not believe in marriage. Well, she is half American and half Nigerian so what do you expect. When Jerry’s girl came to visit last December, I asked myself, what did Jerry see in this girl. She was demanding and controlling, talking to Jerry like she was more superior.

Jerry did not seem to mind her behavior but he looked ashamed when she displayed around people . For example, they invited some of our office friends to their house for a house party and she was telling Jerry why did he not  remember to clean the visitors toilet in front of their guests. She berated him that he is just a dirty and lazy man.

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Well, I tried to mind my business but when she left back to Germany, Jerry seemed happy she was gone. I asked him why he is allowing her treat him like that and he says…she has done so much for me, she helped me with my first Job in Germany. Well, Jerry and I became very close and I somehow began to suspect he liked me but I did not say anything.

Back in April, he could not hold it back again and told me that he was falling for me. I was so happy to hear that but I pretended not to have feelings for him cos I was not sure what he will be willing to leave his girlfriend and be with me. I kept cool but he kept asking me if I had any feelings for him but I will not respond.

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It was my birthday June and he swept me off my feet with a lovely romantic dinner in a five star hotel. The attraction was so strong that I lost all my sense of judgement, we made mad passionate love that night in this exquisite hotel. The next day, we talked. He told me how much he cant stop thinking of me and wants us to be together.

Then I asked him what of his girl, he told me he would talk to her and break it off with her. That was June right. Since then, every time I asked him about her…he would tell me he was working on it. Jerry and I are madly in love. We can’t keep our hands off each other when we see so I do not understand why he is yet to break off with her.

Jerry travelled in July to Germany. He promised me that he would break up with her when he sees her. Guess what, the girl was busy posting pictures of them on social media when he travelled to Germany. That really hurt me so I made up my mind t break up with him since he has refused to break up with her.

Towards the end of July, Jerry came back and soon as he came to see me, I told him it was over and I was not going to be in a love triangle with anyone. I wanted him to choose me, end with her or leave me alone. Ma, its been really heartbreaking. Seeing Jerry at work every day is hard. I feel so hurt and emotional that its affecting my concentration at work.

Two days ago, on Tuesday, Jerry sent me an email to review some files with him before I close that day. For some reason which I believe he knew about, he did not have time to look through those documents until almost 6pm when he called my intercom to come over to his office with the files.

I went to his office and to be honest, Jerry was very professional. I was trying to pretend to be ok too. But I was shivering. We reviewed the files together and I got up to leave …getting to the door, I froze cos my heart wanted to just hug him and tell him I love him. Jerry noticed my hesitation and came behind me. What happened next should not have happened but I just was tired of fighting how I feel about this man.

We kissed and made love right in his office. I cried after cos I wanted him to tell me he loved me enough to break up with his other girl. Jerry then made a proposition to me. He told me he discussed with his girlfriend when he travelled but she does not want to break up with him but gave him a proposal: to have an open relationship.

You see the silly girl is a bloody feminist. She wants to still be his lover (Jerry even joked and said the girlfriend says she don’t mind having a threesome with me and Jerry one day…well, that one is God forbid sha). But she wants both of them to still see other people and Jerry said he is ok with that cos its the way modem relationships go these days.

Jerry said he did not know how to tell me what they discussed cos he was not sure how I would react but knowing clearly that I still have feelings for him, he wants us to be together even like this. I told him I cannot share him and he said, its not that difficult after all ,she is in different country, so they will only see each other like once or twice in a year.

Jerry said alot of his friends and people he knows back in Germany are in open relationships, that is the modern way that millennials engage in relationships. That I have nothing to fear, after all, his girl does not believe in marriage and will never give herself to marry anyone.

Jerry said he is willing to go all the way to get married to me, it does not change anything as long as I understand that it will be an open marriage…to me, that is crazy and I should never allow that right…but what if you cannot stop thinking and desiring after this man?

And then when I asked him why is he so tied to this lady, he said that apart from the fact that he still likes her…they own houses and businesses together in Germany …that he fears if he breaks up with her…he might loose his stake in the businesses.

Now, some of you reading might say, walk away, leave him alone…but what if I cannot control how I feel about him? I have tried…I cannot…so can be the legal wife and agree to a that the girlfriend becomes the side chick?…at least, there are marriages like that right now…some men have foreign wives/lovers but they also have Nigerian wives who are the real legitimate wives right?

I am hoping to get advise here that helps me decide on whether to agree on what to do. Please understand my dilemma and advise me.

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

7 COMMENTS

  1. You said this “But she wants both of them to still see other people and Jerry said he is ok with that cos its the way modem relationships go these days.”, modern relationships are ruled by Satan and sexual immorality…. Stop deceiving yourself sister. Why do you love deceit, you know sex is for marriage, yet you have had sex with him several times. I can only tell you to use your head, you are only in lust not love, you mentioned you had sex in a hotel, my dear sister, stop all the nonsense your are doing pls. GOD bless you.

  2. My sister marry him and become his legal wife but be ready to share him with the other lady. Maybe when you start having children and a family together, it may be easier for him to let go of his German chic. Before you go ahead, search deep within you and be certain to able to stand come what may. It won’t be easy. There will be highs and lows, emotional rollercoaster etc.
    It will feel like you are in a polygamy and most times feelings and emotions are not enough. Talk with your family too and get their opinion but the ultimate decision is yours. Let God guide you

  3. Dear poster, If you decide to fall for this deceit- you are 99% on your own.

    As human, contending with feelings for opposite sex and making decisions is quite understable BUT my dear sis, you are 99.7% likely going to brutally loose your time, body, energy, emotions e.t.c; if you don’t back out now.
    That guy is completely glued to the lady, whatever he spills out to you is just deceit that you can’t fathom now because u re in “love”.

    Peace be to your soul.
    Read spiritual books on how to get loose from entanglement.
    Seek help but the first help is making up your mind to let go of the relationship.

  4. If you enter such marriage, you will go through a marital life of depression all through as he will never end that entanglement with that German lady.

    So ask yourself this question. Since you are currently feeling depressed about it while still being single, do you think you will have the mental strength to go through what you are currently feeling for the rest of your life after getting married to him? The answer is probably a big NO. As more and more depressing cases will keep occuring as you go deep into this.

    But if the love and sex is too sweet for you to let go right now, then enter the marriage since that’s where your mind is currently directing you to.

    If you really want a genuine advice that I am sure you won’t be able to follow, have a plan like this – tell Jerry about this plan also. That if he fails to end the relationship with his German babe, once and for all, before the end of next month, you will follow this plan below.

    The plan is to – Quit the relationship and resign from your job, end all communication with Jerry and try to start over from somewhere and never ever try to start a work relationship again as it is always a risky affairs, that’s why some companies don’t use to allow such. This advice is too difficult to follow or doesn’t make sense, right? as you won’t know where to start your life from, as getting new job is not easy?

    But that’s just what you can do to let go of your never ending feelings for him (be it lust or love) bcos you created a vicious cycle for yourself already, by dating someone in your organisation who was never single initially.

    Anyway, choose your future poison wisely. All the best.

  5. […] ALSO READ:Does Open Relationship Work Out In Modern Marriage-Pls Advise […]

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