True Life Story: My Boyfriend Wants An Open Marriage-What Should I Expect
The above story, like many other stories posted on our blog, does not in anyway represent the views of Lively Stones. It was only approved for posting for discussion and advise to the poster.
Good day Lively Stones,
The story posted today (yesterday actually) is similar to my own situation (read story here). Mine is not that my boyfriend wants a threesome but he wants an open marriage. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is my best friend and I cannot wish for a better man to be my husband but there is a problem. I think my fiancé has never recovered from his parents breakup. His parents broke up when he and his brother were 2 and 4 years old. And since then, the father has refused to remarry while his mother has married 3 times and divorced 3 times.
My fiancé had a rough childhood because he was always having different dads in his life because his mother had different husbands. His dad, even though never remarried had different baby mamas. So from his experience, he believes that no man or woman can be successfully married to one man or one woman without sleeping with other people. No one understands what a broken home does to the children.
That is why today, my guy believes open marriage is the way. An open marriage keeps the marriage intact even when there is S.e.xual relationships with outsiders involved. An open marriage is where both spouses can sleep with other people without feeling guilty or seeing it as cheating. This will help couples enjoy each other. Maybe if your spouse is not in the mood or they are not around, you can have a commercial S** with someone else as long as it is done within the confines of respect for each other. He says he wants to marry a woman that can sleep with other men too because he too will sleep with other woman but that there must be a mutual agreement not to have children with their outside partners.
My man believes an open marriage will give the couple varieties and freedom to explore their S.e.xuality and avoid breaking up when they are both tired of each other or they are attracted to other people. He even told me that his fantasy is to watch another man f*ck his wife. He said he will really enjoy it, that the feeling that another man wants his wife will continue to make him jealous and want to keep his marriage spicy…he also wants his wife to watch him f*ck another woman…that it creates excitement in marriage. Because it will keep his wife on her toes to make sure she makes her own marriage spicy too.
This discussion happened a year ago, when I caught him masturbating to porn. He says he enjoys watching others f*ck. And he imagines him watching me when someone else f8ck me. I told him I do not fancy the idea of us sleeping with other people just to make marriage spicy. We argued about it because he says I am being too rigid, that there is nothing wrong with it.
Then he went on to explain that human beings were created to be a social being, that having S** with one person throughout your life is boring, that is why marriages break up. That many married people are hiding to cheat but its better to open up and be honest with each other. He says it does not mean you don’t love your spouse because attraction for S** does not mean you love that people. That S** is physical and animal instinct that has nothing to do with love.
Our argument made him slow down, we stopped speaking to each other for days and after a while, we eventually broke up. But we reconnected a few months after…. we could not stay apart from each other. He says he can not think of any woman that could make him happy as his wife…I too feel the same way but his S.e.xual ideas to keep a marriage is my issue. Everything with us is perfect, only his ideology on S** in marriage.
So after much discussion, I finally understood where he is coming from. He loves me and does not want to hurt me, so he is telling me to accept him the way he is…which is what true love is all about…accepting people with their flaws especially when they are being sincere. I think some religions that allow multiple spouses understand that the human being is not perfect and so allows multiple wives.
On our part, we now have an agreement that he can sleep with other women but he must keep it a secret, no one must find out. This is to make sure I do not feel weird about it. I wish I can say I want to walk away from this but I love him too much. I know he feels pained from his parents marriage so he may need some time to completely heal from the many years of trauma and I am hoping that he will eventually heal from it.
This is our little secret and we are getting married in November this year. I know some people may think this is a bad idea but thinking of it, is it not better you know ahead of time that you are marrying someone who lets you know who they are before marriage? Is it not better you know your spouse is being honest with you? The choice is for you to walk away or stay and accept them for who they are…perhaps, one day, they will love you back the way you want?
Marriage is not perfect…even my parents marriage is not perfect. Why could go wrong with an open marriage? I hear alot of people do it in the west and it makes their marriage more exciting. Please if any of the readers have tried open marriage, please advice me on what the advantages and disadvantages there are. I believe information is power…I believe my marriage will work because love conquers all.
We live in a pretentious society. Most people learnt how to f*ck watching others or from past relationships. The exciting experience can be transferred to your S** life when you marry. Many married people are secretly watching porn, why? because they are curious…they want to know how it feels when they see others having S**.Is that anyway different from having S** with someone that is not your spouse…its the same thing…..if it creates S.e.xual excitement for your marriage and you may learn one or two tricks watching others.
Those who say they never watch others or porn are lying or maybe that is how they are made. Every one’s experience is shaped by their past. We all learn from the past …maybe my fiancé’s parents would still be married today if they agreed to have and open marriage where they can have rules but remain committed to one another. People want different things, as long as its not illegal…it is only considered adultery if your spouse is against it.
I think many marriages will last longer and be more happy if we are opening up more about what we want to our partners. We should not be ashamed to desire others apart from our spouses. What is needed is just rules of engagement. We are too afraid of what people will say. If threesome or open marriage will make your marriage better, why not?
Those who quote bible should remember that David and Solomon and Abram all slept with many women. Even the woman at the well, she had many husbands abi? Its also written that many women will cling to one man in the last days. One time, I heard a marriage therapist say that her marriage almost collapsed but was restored when she and her husband went for counselling and he opened up that he wanted an open marriage and since she gave him that opportunity, they have stayed married for over 20 years. That is what being honest can do.
Just like people who are in regular kind of marriages, I also think this open marriage arrangement will have its own challenges. Times are changing. What we need is advice on what to expect and how to handle any issues as they come up. I want people to be honest and share with me what I should look out for and how to manage any issue. For example, I know jealousy may come up but that is why I told him to make sure he does it in secret…I do not want to find out so I will not be jealous.
What other issues do you think can result from an open marriage. I am excited about this…I just want to learn more. Good or bad, I want to educate myself with good advise and information. Can we have an unbiased conversation about this for once? Thank you for your anticipated advise.
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