HomeAdviceTrue Life Story: My Boyfriend Wants An Open Marriage-What Should I Expect?

True Life Story: My Boyfriend Wants An Open Marriage-What Should I Expect?

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True Life Story: My Boyfriend Wants An Open Marriage-What Should I Expect

Editor’s note:

The above story, like many other stories posted on our blog, does not in anyway represent the views of Lively Stones. It was only approved for posting for discussion and advise to the poster. 

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Jzhane

Good day Lively Stones,

The story posted today (yesterday actually) is similar to my own situation (read story here). Mine is not that my boyfriend wants a threesome but he wants an open marriage. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is my best friend and I cannot wish for a better man to be my husband but there is a problem. I think my fiancé has never recovered from his parents breakup. His parents broke up when he and his brother were 2 and 4 years old. And since then, the father has refused to remarry while his mother has married 3 times and divorced 3 times.

My fiancé had a rough childhood because he was always having different dads in his life because his mother had different husbands. His dad, even though never remarried had different baby mamas. So from his experience, he believes that no man or woman can be successfully married to one man or one woman without sleeping with other people. No one understands what a broken home does to the children.

ALSO READ:My Husband Wants An Open Marriage Because He Can’t Get Over His Ex-Pls Advise

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That is why today, my guy believes  open marriage is the way. An open marriage keeps the marriage intact even when there is sexual relationships with outsiders involved. An open marriage is where both spouses can sleep with other people without feeling guilty or seeing it as cheating. This will help couples enjoy each other. Maybe if your spouse is not in the mood or they are not around, you can have a commercial s3x with someone else as long as it is done within the confines of respect for each other. He says he wants to marry a woman that can sleep with other men too because he too will sleep with other woman but that there must be a mutual agreement not to have children with their outside partners.

My man believes an open marriage will give the couple varieties and freedom to explore their sexuality and avoid breaking up when they are both tired of each other or they are attracted to other people. He even told me that his fantasy is to watch another man f*ck his wife. He said he will really enjoy it, that the feeling that another man wants his wife will continue to make him jealous and want to keep his marriage spicy…he also wants his wife to watch him f*ck another woman…that it creates excitement in marriage. Because it will keep his wife on her toes to make sure she makes her own marriage spicy too.

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This discussion happened a year ago, when I caught him masturbating to porn. He says he enjoys watching others f*ck. And he imagines him watching me when someone else f8ck me. I told him I do not fancy the idea of us sleeping with other people just to make marriage spicy. We argued about it because he says I am being too rigid, that there is nothing wrong with it.

Then he went on to explain that human beings were created to be a social being, that having s3x with one person throughout your life is boring, that is why marriages break up. That many married people are hiding to cheat but its better to open up and be honest with each other. He says it does not mean you don’t love your spouse because attraction for s3x does not mean you love that people. That s3x is physical and animal instinct that has nothing to do with love.

Our argument made him slow down, we stopped speaking to each other for days  and after a while, we eventually broke up. But we reconnected a few months after…. we could not stay apart from each other. He says he can not think of any woman that could make him happy as his wife…I too feel the same way but his sexual ideas to keep a marriage is my issue. Everything with us is perfect, only his ideology on s3x in marriage.

So after much discussion, I finally understood where he is coming from. He loves me and does not want to hurt me, so he is telling me to accept him the way he is…which is what true love is all about…accepting people with their flaws especially when they are being sincere. I think some religions that allow multiple spouses understand that the human being is not perfect and so allows multiple wives.

On our part, we now have an agreement that he can sleep with other women but he must keep it a secret, no one must find out. This is to make sure I do not feel weird about it.  I wish I can say I want to walk away from this but I love him too much. I know he feels pained from his parents marriage so he may need some time to completely heal from the many years of trauma and I am hoping that he will eventually heal from it.

ALSO READ:Does Open Relationship Work Out In Modern Marriage-Pls Advise

This is our little secret and we are getting married in November this year. I know some people may think this is a bad idea but thinking of it, is it not better you know ahead of time that you are marrying someone who lets you know who they are before marriage? Is it not better you know your spouse is being honest with you? The choice is for you to walk away or stay and accept them for who they are…perhaps, one day, they will love you back the way you want?

Marriage is not perfect…even my parents marriage is not perfect. Why could go wrong with an open marriage? I hear alot of people do it in the west and it makes their marriage more exciting. Please if any of the readers have tried open marriage, please advice me on what the advantages and disadvantages there are. I believe information is power…I believe my marriage will work because love conquers all.

We live in a pretentious society. Most people learnt how to f*ck watching others or from past relationships. The exciting experience can be transferred to your s3x life when you marry. Many married people are  secretly watching porn, why? because they are curious…they want to know how it feels when they see others having s3x.Is that anyway different from having s3x with someone that is not your spouse…its the same thing…..if it creates sexual  excitement for your marriage and you may learn one or two tricks watching others.

Those who say they never watch others or porn are lying or maybe that is how they are made. Every one’s experience is shaped by their past. We all learn from the past …maybe my fiancé’s parents would still be married today if they agreed to have and open marriage where they can have rules but remain committed to one another.  People want different things, as long as its not illegal…it is only considered adultery if your spouse is against it.

I think many marriages will last longer and be more happy if we are opening up more about what we want to our partners. We should not be ashamed to desire others apart from our spouses. What is needed is just rules of engagement. We are too afraid of what people will say. If threesome or open marriage will make your marriage better, why not?

Those who quote bible should remember that David and Solomon and Abram all slept with many women. Even the woman at the well, she had many husbands abi? Its also written that many women will cling to one man in the last days. One time, I heard a marriage therapist say that her marriage almost collapsed but was restored when she and her husband went for counselling and he opened up that he wanted an open marriage and since she gave him that opportunity, they have stayed married for over 20 years. That is what being honest can do.

Just like people who are in regular kind of marriages, I also think this open marriage arrangement will have its own challenges. Times are changing. What we need is advice on what to expect and how to handle any issues as they come up. I want people to be honest and share with me what I should look out for and how to manage any issue. For example, I know jealousy may come up but that is why I told him to make sure he does it in secret…I do not want to find out so I will not be jealous.

What other issues do you think can result from an open marriage. I am excited about this…I just want to learn more. Good or bad, I want to educate myself with good advise and information. Can we have an unbiased conversation about this for once? Thank you for your anticipated advise.

Anonymous.

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

7 COMMENTS

  1. At least you know before you decided to marry. So prepare yourself mentally and physically for it. Things are not as easy as it sounds. Do you know that from having other sex partners you can get pregnant and not know the father. Do you know that you are also open to diseases? Did you know comparison will enter, you will start comparing you husband with your sex partner(s) , likewise your husband. Jealousy and mistrust will creep in because you will be suspecting each other’s movement.
    Also have you considered how this open marriage will after the children you are so trying to ‘protect’? I think you can’t hide something to perfect that no one will discover it.
    If you are able to deal with the mental stress, then go ahead.

    • You don’t really need advice you have answers to what you would like to do you have given so many examples even from the Bible, if that is your desire for a forever life with your husband, just be prepared for what is to come.
      My advice 2 Wrongs can’t make a Right

  2. She already knows the disadvantage of whatever’ she is getting herself into as internet GOOGLE can give enough point , what I think the reader is seeking is validation I read the story line by line and I observe she is comfortable with the ideology of her husband , because from her words she is already talking like her husband to be , marriage is a decision between two people who know they have common interests , if u are not comfortable with the idea marrying him would be a bad idea , if u are then u can continue , let’s read her story we understand that she has already drawn conclusion already , did she not say they are getting married and want to keep it a secret so what are we supposed to do ? To convince her , we all know that’s not going to work , one thing I have realized with women is that when she loves a guy they ain’t rules at all , she can align herself for her man this is also the story for this lady

    Ur husband problem is not the way he was raise but the fact he is into porn( porn destroys) ,so do u really know how many men came from a broken home , pls let’s stop finding excuses for our bad behavior because they are many men out there from worst home who do not do such infact would never do such

    Now let me prepare ur mind , the problem with men like ur husband is that they are never satisfied one day he might bring two men home so they sex u while he watches or many audacious horrible things , so prepare ur mind for more horrible sex style

    I wish u luck sister and good luck

  3. My sister, marriage will open your eyes to reality. It is I’m marriage the traits you never saw in your partner will come to the fore and even be amplified.

    What is the essence of getting married in the first place if all you want is agreeing to having multiple sexual partners and watch others having sex with your spouse? Please my dear, do not destroy God’s order.

    Is it not better that the both of you just cohabit with each other and continue having affairs with others without abusing the term “marriage”?

    Marriage has a lot of intricacies as sex is just one aspect of marriage and the sole idea of this “open marriage” thing is just exploring other sexual options (please I stand to be corrected).

    Have you weighed the consequences of having an open marriage/multiple sexual partners in marriage? Have you thought of:
    1. STD’s
    2. Lack of trust
    3. Jealousy
    4. Abandonment of the family (especially the children) just in pursuit of one’s sexual desires.
    5. Instability
    6. Children’s awareness of what the parents are into which will eventually take a toll on their mental health (just as the man in this story is suffering.
    My dear, the list is endless.

    I’d advise you take a step back and evaluate your decision (if you have made one already).

    Cheers sister.

  4. Why do you want to get married if you want to practice in open relationship? It is not necessary because there is no difference between being a baba mama and being in an open relationship

  5. There is nothing like open marriage, it is adultery. You all keep deceiving yourselves with, if it makes you happy.

    You need GOD.

    How did we get here.

  6. Mama there’s nothing like open marriage in my opinion… It’s just deceit

    If you want to be married and be unfaithful to each other, just call it what it is. No need tushing it up

    Marriages we know that has legal, religious or cultural backings are monogamy, polygamy, polyandry… Don’t let this age mess with your head

    What’s the point legalizing a union when you know you’re not ready to be one? Cohabiting is better then… Don’t put a ring on it biko

    Sincerely, it all goes back to messed up people that need to choose healing above relationship

    Auntie, you have been messed up by being so so into someone that’s emotionally messed up without you guarding your mind…
    Instead of aiding this guy to find healing, you’ve become an enabler… What kind of kids do you want to raise? What kind of life lessons do you want to pass on to them? How do you want them to perceive marriage? What kind of fatherly model do you want them to grow into/mirror? What do you want to teach them about family bond, love, respect, self love and boundaries?

    Do you want to have other men too while yoked to him? Is that OK by him? Is he OK with you having kids with other men?

    See my dear, don’t set yourself up for a ghastly fall… Cry if you wanna but babe, allow your guy space to heal… Choose you… Choose sanity…

    Trust me, you can be his wake up call if he truly values you… He can start seeking help because you took a stand… But you have to step out of the relationship and view it from outside… Run the scenarios like you’re observing someone else in such a relationship… You might have a clearer picture…

    In all, I’d say choose to love yourself more and know 100% that you can do without anybody no matter the attachment… If life/death takes them away, you’d not stop breathing, if it does to you, they’ll not stop breathing… So, my dear, it’s time to clean up yourself, your mind, your emotions and heal thru self love and self realization/awakening to the real untainted you.

    Peace my dear

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