Married Or Divorced-Which Is Better? Please Advise Because I Want To Be Happy
I honestly feel a bit hesitant to share my story. I feel like I will be judged before anyone truly understands my situation. I have always been a fun loving person. I am what you can call a little bit extrovert. I always wanted to have fun. I always found myself in relationships with men that are similar to my personality.
So, everyone was pretty surprised when I started dating Uyi (not real name). Uyi is a much calmer personality that myself. An accountant, very meticulous and easy going. My mother was happy because she felt I needed someone opposite my personality to calm me down. Uyi, a gentleman adored me.
We dated for a year before a popped the question. I liked him cos he also did not have any side chick drama around him. Faithful and dedicated guy. Anyway, after marriage, I really began to discover that Uyi and I are not just so different but he is not willing to change. I don’t know why I felt I could change him. I guess a lot of people feel the same way, like you can influence the person you marry.
Uyi was consistent and I was really bored. I mean, I work in entertainment. My life is a fast paced moving type. I see a lot of artists and like minded people but when I get home, my husband is reading a book rather than wanting to hang out with me. Everything about him was just something I could not cope with. I realized the few times we hung out during our dating, he did it just to make me happy.
This man does not like to go out but my personality and my job requires me to. I found myself clubbing alone. Husband does not go out. He didn’t like my friends. His friends were only one. He didn’t have friends. He liked to spend time at work or at home. He wanted us to start having babies but I told him I am not ready until 2 years after marriage. He said fine.
So then, we have s*x only once a week because he says he is tired and s*x is for babies more than pleasure. I became angry at him for making me believe we could be together. I found more happiness outside my home. I stayed out late and he didn’t even care. Like ,which kind of man didn’t care that his wife was always out. I asked him why he does not care what I do and he said, its my business, I am an adult.
To summarize, I felt like my husband didn’t care. We didn’t speak much, we didn’t go out, we didn’t even have s*x much. I began to think he was gay. We didn’t do anything together. I got frustrated and began to cheat on him. He knew cos I made sure he knew I was cheating and this man did not care.
That made me decide to leave the marriage. I could no longer deceive myself. I was not on his priority. I began to spend more time with Dan (my lover) . Dan is my kind of guy. He loves me and I love him. I filed for a divorce a year later. Our divorce is still not concluded. So, we have been separated for like 5 months now. I am happy with Dan but Dan does not want to get married.
Dan feels marriage is not the ultimate (I don’t blame him, he thinks like western world). He is happy to have children but no marriage. At least, he is honest to me about what he wants. The only problem is that my mother is refusing Dan cos he has no plans for marriage. My mother says its better to have children in a marriage where there is no love for security for the children.
My mother does not mind if Uyi does not care for me but as long as I have my children inside a marriage, I can continue my affair outside. Dan does not mind either. He is not really a monogamous kind of man. He loves me and will be with me either as a married or divorced woman.
My husband Uyi is beginning to like someone and I am beginning to get under pressure by my mother not to let Uyi go ahead with our divorce and his new woman. Since Uyi does not care if I cheat on him, my mother wants me to remain in my marriage and give my children security and not to be called bastard children born out of wedlock. I need advise. I can’t stand Uyi but what my mother said makes some sense.
Should I continue in my marriage or leave and be with someone who has no intention of marrying me? Please don’t judge me. If you were in my shoes, won’t you do what makes you happy? Please advise me.
Anonymous
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Don’t know what to say to all these nonsense you have written down here,no wonder some people will say ”this life no balance”. Just imagine,who will read this and not judge you nne. You already wanted a divorce in the first place,trying to go back because your mum wants you to start having children in marriage because of security reasons is rubbish. You can’t go back because that marriage will never remain the same,you already cheated on him,kept late nights,you didn’t give him your kpekus to enjoy,you said all manner of things to him and on top of it filed for a divorce and now you want to go back,please stick to that you Dan that loves your lifestyle,women are looking forward to marrying somebody like your husband and you are here complaining. Please do not go back to that marriage, okay,no need. He is already seeing somebody else. Don’t marry please,face your entertainment work biko
From your story, It is clear that you are not happy in your marriage and your relationship with your husband is marred.
1. You said you were cheating on him as a Married Woman and made sure he knows about…..but he doesn’t care ♂️
2. You have filed for divorce and he did not objected your action, and
3. Your husband is in relationship with another woman which of course you know about it.
Where do you think you people can begin to mend, because you are on both ends of extremes.
You cannot produce a child/children in this type of Marriage settings.
I will advise you call your husband once more, and unburden your frustrations and disappointments in your marriage;
Let him know you are willing to make your marriage work if he can support you. Change your lifestyles, let him see it
If nothing positive comes out of this, then go ahead with your divorce and live your life exactly your own Way.
Don’t raise children in this type of marriage where you and your husband are not on the same plane.
N.B.
Why don’t you table all of your challenges before your Creator….and wait on Him to see what He will do ?
#My opinion
Like you said you don’t want to marry him because he is opposite of the type of man you want,so stay with your decision and leave your life as an entertainer, please don’t go and kill someone child because you are only asking this question because you want to please your mom, this is a man who has not for once lit his fingers on you despise your toxic lifestyle,go on with Dan since you don’t want to be controlled as a wife,go on have children with him but not in mr Uyi house,to a point of reading you I thought your mom was against your actions but telling you to stay with him just to have your kids under his roof is unbelievable as a cheating wife is surprising, will she allow a wife like you for her own sons and you madam can you allow your brother to be with a woman like you as a wife, please have some conscience and work out of the marriage honourably, since you have placed your mind not to stay faithful.
It won’t work, don’t bother, just move on with your divorce plan. You want to stay with Uyi for selfish reasons which will not work. Stay with your Dan
My dear sister. Firstly, you painted your husband in a bad way which may be true, but you have been commiting adultery, and that Dab guy is a BIG FOOL for sleeping with you a married woman. How do you imagine a man sleeping with another man’s wife..just foolish. You think you are in love with Dan right…no you arent at all. It’s like you are blaming your husband for your adulteries, which doesn’t make any sense at all. You made the choice yourself. I assure you, Dan will dump you sooner or later, he knows you are married but chose to date and having S.e.x with you all this while, yet you are claiming both of you love each other. Pls WAKE UP my sister and STOP ADULTERY. GOD bless you.