True Life Story: My Parents Are Upset Because I Ended My Engagement To The Person They Prefer
Hi Lively Stones,
I have a question for your blog, how do you know what is real love? I am a 26 year old Techie, I am engaged but I ended my engagement with my fiancé of two years because I think I don’t love him as much as before. Yes, there is someone else and I think I love that person more than my fiancé. My parents disagree with me. They think I am making a mistake and have refused to allow me be with this guy that I am now in love with.
Personally, I think my parents are biased because my fiancé is a banker and he is Yoruba cos we are Yorubas while this new guy is into his personal business and not a yoruba. I met Niyi (not real name) three years ago in a bank where I was posted to work. I got retained by the bank. A few months later, Niyi started asking me out. I was hot and every guy wanted to date me but Niyi was the one that caught my fancy.
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I had to even get another job in another bank as our relationship became public. Don’t worry, the job offer came with better pay. A year after, Niyi proposed to me. I love Niyi but I was not thinking of getting married at the time. I was just 25 but my mom was so happy cos I have 2 elder sisters who are almost 30 and 32 ….and they are not married. But I felt Niyi used the engagement to pin me down. Well, I was not going to walk down the aisle until maybe when I am 27 or 28. I told Niyi that.
Last year, I got an internal job offer to work remotely. The pay was 10 times better than what I was earning. So, I started working from home. Sometimes, I would take my laptop to my balcony to work and that was when I started seeing my neighbor come out every afternoon to smoke. Well, when we saw each other, he would just say hi and I would say hi back. One day, he asked me to join him for a smoke. I said I don’t smoke. He said he knows but hes asking me to come out and stretch my legs. It sounded like a good idea and so I joined him on his balcony.
My neighbor is Wilson (not real name). He is a forex trader and he also works from home. We started hanging out every afternoon when we both took a break from work. Niyi met him and sometimes we all hung out over the weekend. One day early year, Niyi and I got into a nasty fight and broke up for three days. I was feeling so bad that Wilson offered me some cigarette. I wanted to feel a little better and so I agreed to smoke a cigarette. But Niyi gave me weed instead. He said I needed something string to help me feel better.
And he was right, I became high and forgot about my heartbreak for a while…I became horny too and we started kissing. I thought I could stop him but when he touched my clitrus, I was wet as fck. We fcked for the whole three days that Niyi and I were not talking. And that is how the affair started. Its been six months of me hiding my affair from Niyi. But I have fallen in love with Wilson. We vibe better….we even do business investments together.
I feel bad about lying to Niyi. But Niyi is already suspecting something is wrong and has been asking me. I keep telling him nothing is wrong, just work stress. This secret has been very hard for me and Wilson and we are tired of hiding it. So, I told Niyi that I am no longer interested in getting married to him….I broke up with him. He kept asking me why…I told him I have feelings for someone else….he was like…..who is it? I told him its Wilson. Niyi went ballistic….threatening to f*ck up Wilson.
Niyi went to tell my parents that I am cheating on him with a yahoo boy. That Wilson is claiming Forex trader but that most young men into Forex are yahoo boys. My parents called me and warned me to end things with Wilson and go back to Niyi. They say Wil is not a husband material cos he smokes and is a yahoo boy. Wil smokes yes but weed is legal in most parts of the world now. I also smoke…they dont know that but what is the big deal, everyone has something that they like right?
Niyi is still begging me…saying I am just being infatuated with Wilson cos he looks like a bad boy image,…and that young ladies like that….that he seduced me with s3x and that Wilson has no plans for me. Truth is, Wilson has not even mentioned marriage but I love him too much…even if we don’t marry …I am ok with that. But my parents think I have been brain washed by Wilson. My younger brother too is supporting them. He says I have changed and have been badly influenced by Wilson.
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My take is…apart from smoking that Wilson does….how is he bad influence? I challenged my parents to admit that they dont like Wilson cos he is not yoruba…my mom said yes, she would prefer me to marry someone from my ethnic group but her main issue is that Wilson looks dangerous and suspicious. That Niyi is a respectable banker with stable job. Please is what do you think? Is she not being tribalistic? Why is a forex trader not taken seriously? He makes more money than Niyi does but they say he is yahoo. My father feels he wasted money to raise me if I want to marry a common Forex trader….and yahoo boy.
I don’t think Wilson is a yahoo boy but I am seeking your advise. Was I too quick or wrong to break up with Niyi? My parents say I am too young to see that Wilson is not ready to settle down. But who says I want to settle down? Is it wrong for a woman not to want to get married? I have a man who loves me and can have a baby with me in future. How is that wrong? I believe marriage is just a paper…you don’t need a certificate to prove you love someone.
Again, my parents feel I am disappointing them by throwing away the conventional way of doing things…how is that so? Is how I feel for Wilson not worth it? He is my kind of guy…very fun guy…who does not have a care in the world…he is just one year older than me while Niyi is like 5 years older….Wilson loves the kind of things I love….movies, cars, , games…we love f*cking, making love… cos we are young…life is exciting with him….he makes me have real butter flies in my tummy,…he does not treat me like a kid whereas my parents and Niyi want to control me like a child. We plan to just have fun, travel around the world and maybe in future…have kids. I am just 26…I still have many years ahead of me.
Being with Niyi is totally different. Niyi is too stable…I don’t just want to get married and be a wife….I want some excitement and being with Wilson is what really excites me. But my mother wants me to marry quicky and start having babies because when am thirty…no man will want to marry me, like my sisters who are now in their thirties. I think my parents are just old fashioned and biased. Am I wrong? Don’t get me wrong, I know African parents believe in marrying a man that can take care of you but I have my own money…I don’t need a man to take care of me financially…I have a man who takes care of my emotional needs so what else do I need a man for?
Why do people not accept it that being married is not the only way to live a happy and meaningful life. Isn’t being in love the most important feeling? I might change my mind in future but right now…I just want to have fun with the man that makes me feel on top of the world. If you were in my shoes, would you not follow your heart or do you think I am being blinded by feelings of love? Please advise me.
Anonymous
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You lack wisdom…that’s all I can say
My Dear Sister, this is YOU choosing a bad guy over a good guy. He took advantage of you and made out with you. Your fiancé maybe right for there are 90% chances that this NIYI guy is a yahoo guy. I am not saying you should go back to your fiancé but i do not think NIYI is the right guy for you.
The poster have already decided though but let me still drop my few cent of advice
My dear getting married and having children was the expectation. But over the last two decades,
those expectations have shifted, with fewer and fewer folks considering marriage a necessity.
If the two people in the relationship are not on the same page about marriage and their view points are poles apart, trouble will brew and problems will begin to arise between them. If he/she doesn’t want to get married, there’s no point in convincing him/her. You just have to accept that this is not the time.
In society, people look at you differently when you’re wearing a ring on your finger, and in some aspects of life, you do get more respect and people take you seriously. But if you’re not ready for marriage, don’t jump into it for these reasons. And definitely don’t jump into it because it will make your partner happy. Say yes only when you’re ready.
You can tell parents, your friends, your colleagues, you can even tell the whole wide world ‘I want to get married’, but it doesn’t matter as long as your partner is still hesitant. Being in a relationship is great, but when you make things legal by getting married, there are several things that come into play.
For one, your families get involved. And when you’re married, you can’t just walk away after a fight, no, you have to deal with things like adults and learn to compromise. Are you ready for commitment? Certainly from the look of things you are not.
Your decisions and opinions are respected But at this same time the likes of the following are sinful in the sight of God:
❌. Premarital sex
❌. Smoking weed
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Hebrews 13:4)
“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:2)
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, Heb 12 Vs 1
The few scriptures above was the reason why God instituted marriage for man to have fellowship with God and live a life of divine purpose here on earth and after.
I pray you find everlasting peace and happiness that you seek beyond just the fun for the moment
Dear poster,you need to listen to your parents,they know better and want the best for you.
You’re above 18 and you know what’s best for you,be wise!
I pray God helps you to make the right choice,just be careful and stop weed smoking,use your head and be smarter.
Hello aunty see eh i support you to go ahead and enjoy your self but permit me to point out somethings you already know:
You found yourself in money more you made in the banking hall.
You found a way to get high from the boredorm of sitting alone for hours
I am not so sure but according to your words the weeds got you horny and this guy is giving it to you hot hot
Also the neighbour gave u adventure investment friendship more you are really enjoying the moment …..now this is my opinion take all these away and life says go back to rat race of salary parent steady frigid boyfriend wouldnt your parent opinion count i bet it would….now what do you need how about start focusing on loving yourself suspend getting high and getting fked and focus on building your empire……you need discipline protect your dignity as a woman and above all where is God in all these……..if your parent and all the environment that encourage you are not there how would you approach life….
Dear Poster,
In life, we make decisions and live to enjoy or suffer the outcome.
When anyone decideds to be different,there will be differing opinions.
Being with Wilson isn’t a bad idea but you showed your true identity. You never loved Niyi as much as you claim. Letting yourself get involved with Wilson is a show of no discipline. The first day could be a mistake but subsequent ones, were by choice.
Since ,you told Niyi you weren’t ready for marriage and he didn’t bother you, it shows he loves you and respects your feelings. He didn’t tie you down with engagement. You showed him you wanted him hence left for another bank to be with him.
Your parents aren’t tribalistic, they are concerned and watching out for you.
I don’t endorse that all men that smoke weed are bad guys but it’s a habit that exposed one to bad boys and influence.
You can attest to this. You smoked and let go of your feelings and got laid, even followed the man cos your new man introduced something new you were still exploring.
Before you proceed with either of both men, sit down and consider many things about life.
What seems cool at age 26 may not be by 28. You may be on money today,what happens if anything strikes tomorrow?
Take time to know Wilson ideology and plans for marriage in the future, if kids comes, will he and his family accept it? Know what he is truly into and wants of life and you.
You may not want to marry yet but the ideology of being a baby mama and just sleeping with a man that claims to love you isn’t a lasting and reasonable thoughts…it sounds like a proceed from a habit.
Think right for you today and tomorrow. Secure your today and tomorrow. No love is guaranteed except the love of God. Make room for future changes in Wilson or even you.
Don’t be disrespectful to your parents over this men because the men are outsider and will leave if they can’t stand the heat and issues.
Drop those habits you picked from Wilson. It’s actually a thing of concern to your loved ones because they know you may be influenced in the future.
Niyi could be your husband. You need to ensure you don’t treat him like a chest. All you speak against him today we’re there all these years and you loved and accepted him so. Why the change of heart and finding fault? Is money all that matters to you? Has Niyi being controlling before you met Wilson?
I hope you aren’t making them look bad to justify your new man and habits?
You may need to meet a therapist and counsellor to help you so you don’t loose any good in your life today.
I hope you make the right decision.
All the best.
There absolutely nothing wrong in breaking up with Niyi. How could he went as far as telling your parents Wilson is into crime when he does not have any prove? That is sign of desperation to me.
Even if you brake up with Wilson do not go back to Niyi because men never forgive a cheating partner and never go back to your vomit . You should have a deep discussion with Wilson if you guys have future together and that will help you to be sure why you’re doing with him so that you will know where to draw the curtain.. good luck
It’s well
You did right to discharge Niyi and you seem clear headed with your involvement with Wilson
But don’t get kids involved yet… Your relationship at the time is purely sexual and emotional… These are temporal stuffs that sway with time and life events…
Guard your heart and don’t fall further in love with Wilson… Get up, wash your face and get clear headed… This is just a sexual and youthful uncommitted engagement, either of you can up and leave at any time, you’d most likely be left to lick your emotional wounds while you revel in the memories of your explorations…
Open your eyes
Have honest conversations with Wilson on what you guys are doing, level of commitment, boundaries and all… Guard your heart… This is just honey moon phase… Give it a year or 2yrs and you might be more mature and see things better…
Ask Wilson questions on his life, his job, his dreams and life aspirations… Get to know him better, his friends, his circle, his family and all… Know him, learn him
You need this knowledge for the sake of your heart, safety and family…
Then be clear with Niyi and set boundaries, he should stop using those dirty tricks, it will only make you despise him more… Let him know he deserves better and should go find that better outside you… Be clear and don’t double deal…
Lastly, have a heart to heart talk with your family, let them know you don’t love Niyi as you should and you’re not gunning for marriage yet… Let it be clear that when you’re convinced and ready for marriage, you’ll bring the guy home and it might be neither of these men… Let them know it’s just a sexual relationship and it’s with consent… If they do not see reasons with you, then respect them and break up with Wilson but don’t go back to Niyi… Since you stay with your parents, do not disrespect them by sleeping with your neighbour against their approval… Show some respect and make Wilson understand it’s a sacrifice you need to make for peace…
You might need go seek your fun and youthful craze outside your neighbourhood if that’s really what you crave…
I don’t know your values nor moral inclinations, but I’d just say there’s nothing we do or choose that ain’t with consequences… So think things thru… Think your choices thru as a girl, a lady and a potential mother… Think of your kids, how you’d want to raise them, with what values and with who as their father figure… Do you want to raise kids with different fathers?
Wilson might not want what you want as regards family and marriage, reason I said know him, ask questions… Don’t just be in love with this honeymoon euphoria of now… Dont build your marriage ideals and fantacies in the air wìthout his commitment in words n actions…When his relationships, friends, family, girls, exes, past and lifestyle start showing up, would you be able to handle them? Are you guys on the same page?
So you need put your head where it should be and take responsibility for you…
Finally, be sure you’re not being a victim of manipulation… Be certain your thoughts in this your post are yours and not what Wilson put in your head…Stay clear headed… If you pray, pray to your God to show you light in all these and help you make the best decisions…
All the best girl