Hi Lively Stones,
I like the way advice is being given on Lively Stones blog. Please share my story while I await your advise in the comment section of the whatspp group. My fiancé lives in Lagos while I am in Abeokuta. After our wedding, I will be moving to join him in Lagos. We have been in a relationship for almost two months now. Everything is cool, he is nice lover and takes care of me. We visit each other every weekend or every two weekends and last Friday my fiancé was in town from 8pm.
After I prepared him a meal, we ate together, it was time for freaky time but unfortunately that morning, my period started and it was very heavy, so we could not make love. He was highly disappointed because he was really in the mood. He was like, I should have told him I was on my period so he would not have wasted his time to travel all the way and not get any action. I was surprised at his reaction. I even joking told him that its not his fault, after all, he is eating my ‘food’ when he has not even paid my bride price.
I asked him if its only S** that he wants from me, that cant we spend time together without S**? That night, I encouraged him to just kiss and caress, I ended up giving him a BJ that night. The next day, we spent together. I felt everything was cool but towards evening, he started making out with me and I noticed he was having an erection while we were making out again. I tried to use all my tricks, BJ, kissing, he was just not enjoying it, he said he wanted to have real S**, that he does not mind if I am bleeding, that I should remove my pad, cos he cant hold himself any longer.
I would not have minded to do as he asked but I was also having menstrual cramps so I told him I was feeling pains and I cannot do it. He got upset and started to dress up. I asked him where he was going and he shouted: out. Before I knew what was happening, he left and banged the door behind him. I started calling his line and he did not answer. I sent him messages too, no response.
Like two and a half hours later, he came back and went straight to sleep. All my questions about where he went to, he refused to answer or talk to me. I cried that evening cos I was thinking maybe he went out to sleep with a prostitute. The next morning, he started getting dressed that he is going back to Lagos. Usually, he goes back on Sunday afternoon or evening, never in the morning. So I realized he was still upset.
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So I blocked the door and insisted that he tells me where he went to last night. He was like, are you sure you really wanted to know? I said yes…he said: I think you already know…I cannot travel all the way from Lagos to Abeokuta and you tell me I cannot make love to you….I asked him, did you sleep with another woman? He said, I went to take care of my business woman. I told him that if he means he has slept with another woman, then we are done: I want a break up. He looked at me and said f*ck you.
This guy left and I cried for almost an hour. I was just imagining how 2 years of my life was now over…no more wedding cos I was on my period and unbale to give him S** for just one time. At night yesterday, he started calling and I refused to pick up. He later started sending messages that he is sorry….that he was just very horny and he got carried away with desire. I have not responded to him because I am thinking if this a sign that if we get married, if I am pregnant or sick or cant give him S**, then he will go outside.
When I asked him before he left that if we were married, would he cheat on me if we cant have S**…he actually responded by saying: he cannot remain in a marriage that his wife will not give him S**…that even in sickness, then it will be within his rights to go out and fulfil his desires….he said he was being real cos no guy will swear that they can stay without S** in their marriage. His response really hurt me.
Now, he is begging, saying he was talking trash all weekend…that he has had time to think and he knows he behaved like an asshole. However, I am still hurting from what happened this weekend. Plus, would you advise me to remain in such a relationship after what happened this weekend? Or is this something that men have to do in normal circumstances? Am I dragging this thing too far or is this a sign of a red flag in this relations?
My man is a good man, this is the first time he acted in such a rash manner but I wonder if he has been pretending cos this is the first time my mensural cycle will get in the way of our S** life. And he says this is the first time he ever cheated with a call girl just for S**. I need advice please, would you forgive him if you were in my shoes?.
From Anonymous
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This is not how all men behave ,Ur man is a person who gets angry when he doesn’t have his way ,and this would be that when u marry he might pay little or no consideration to Ur desire as far as he is satisfied ,and those kind of men are egotistical ,seeking after their own desires above others ,love requires sacrifice and if she is in her period he should exercise patience , period isn’t a lifetime thing so why would he be behaving like that .
U have seen one red flag about Ur man ,and we are yet to know if that would be the last of it ,he went too far seeking pleasure from another woman because he was horny and u were not available ,do u realise the meaning of that
So when u travel,when u are unavailable ,when u are sick ,when u are tired ,when u are pregnant or when he can’t have u when he wants u ,that is automatic green flag for him to be seeking other women ,mbanu that’s inconsiderate .
U can’t bet he has change ,his anger ,his resentment ,his bitterness for u not giving him S.e.x is something u shouldn’t take lightly ,it is high time u ask urself if S.e.x is what he wants from u or love ?
For it is was love ,then he wouldn’t act like that ,he would be patient for u , caress u ,care for u ,pamper u ,for goodness sake u need the adequate care at that moment the best u can get menstral cramps no be small thing ,the day I saw one I feel pitied for women ,
U can’t bet he has change ,and he might just be missing having S.e.x with u that is why he is sorry ..
This is what u would do
1.claim u have forgiven him but this time be very observant of him ,in other words be critical of him ,
Set him up in another situation where he needs S.e.x again ,and tell him u are sick ,Ur body is paining u ,that u can’t give him S.e.x ,and watch his reaction
Do it repeatedly with him ,intact tell him u are fasting ,give him excuses why u can’t have S.e.x with him ,of course u would do these at regular intervals not repeatedly and watch his reaction
If he act the way he formerly did ,that means if u marry him ,don’t be surprised u might be seeing Ur period and he would be raping u
Remember marriage is like a school where u received certificate but don’t know if u would ever be graduating from it .
It is better for ever ,so test him very well ,act in a way where he should be angry ,and watch his reaction ,u don’t want a woman beater as an husband do u ?
Test his anger ,and also test his patient ,if he fails both then u are walking t into danger zone if u continue in the relationship with him .
It’s a red flag and do not take it lightly. If he can’t stay without S.e.x for just 5 days, how much more 9 months. Though he is a good man said by you, but this his character doesn’t prove much about his goodness to u. I fear for your happiness if u get married to him.
Watch carefully
That guy is not yet ready! He has a long way to go! You’ll see the worst in marriage! See how legalized fornication has become! Two years engagement! You’re in for a long thing if you go ahead.
This is a red flag for sure. You ignore it and have no one to blame but you in future. This is a boy,not a man. I will advice you start opening up to other people, you may lose a good man by giving this one chances that he will waste your time with.
Ask God to forgive you. My advice to you is to end that relationship. You have seen a MAJOR red flag that if you ignore, can bite you in the future.
When you are not pregnant, you will always have your monthly cycle for many years, sometimes you will experience those cramps, in pregnancy some days you may not be up to s.x, immediately after child birth if you deliver outside normal delivery you will need time to heal, as your family size grow and children are crying all the time, you may need a bit more time to rest, you may get to a stage where your libido drops, you may have to travel for work or to see your family alone, will your man turn into a monster in these situations putting you at risk by sleeping out and calling you degrading names to fulfil his desire? You have witnessed the anger.
Run with your two legs, asks God to forgive you, and bring the right person to you, say yes to a Godly man but start by living by His principles too. This will increase the chances of success in your relationship.
Don’t have s.x again before marriage.
Heb 13:4 ‘Let marriage be honorable in all, and the marriage bed undefiled; for God will judge the S.e.xually immoral and adulterers’.
By the way, your ex will continue to say he is sorry and tell you it won’t happen again. I repeat run while you still have legs.
Dry your tears, rejoice that all the pain this Man could have brought you in future has just been averted if you take the right step.
Aside the theft ( not fulfilling marriage rights first) , emotional and verbal abuse He failed the ‘Love test’. He was not patient or kind. He acted arrogantly, rude, insisted on his own way, was resentful and he rejoiced at going out to fulfil his needs acting recklessly etc.
‘Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
You deserve better.
I’m really pained because you cried. Why did you cry? Don’t cry next time ,you hear me so?
You need to give a testimony for this miracle that God has done for you,he didn’t want you to be trapped in marriage before finding out the kind of person he is.
What is your definition of a good man? That guy will do worse in marriage,there is more to being good,caring and giving you money are not the only things that make a man good.
Congratulations! God has helped you my darling to run away from this big red flag.
Woman dey her period,nahim you dey vex like this, orisirisi in Yoruba language
Truly she is lucky that God loves her so much for him to allow this caring man attitude come to the open…. sis, my advise is for you to japa from this man because if you don’t and go ahead and marry him .. The way you will wet your pillow with tears ehh, It will not be funny because he won’t care about you feel when he needs something urgently
S.e.x, mental and emotional maturity must be well understood in relationship.
I understand your relationship had S.e.x involved already, many times it blinds one from knowing the partner really because you get carried away in pleasure.
This incident bears many red flags.
Impatience
Self-centered personality
Inconsiderate
Cheat
Being in two different cities is an avenue not to have a better knowledge of the level of his cheating and other side of him.
He might be a good man but he might be a good heartbreaker and not a matured husband.
Some men are not ready and still want things their way only no matter how they get it and that’s the man you got there with what you shared.
Keep praying but know that he isn’t right for you.
Forgive him but end all S.e.xual involvement and if he isn’t okay with it, he can take a long walk.
Test his character intensely and be sure he will be faithful at all times.
If you are convinced he will make you cry again, then say goodbye.
All the best.
Go for relationship classes and therapy. It is possible he wasn’t taught right. You can look for a relationship coach to guide you through. Then you can make your decision.
I will answer you by saying this : which man has S.e.x with a woman on period. Tufiakwa. This is a red flag because am a man. Imagine the number of menstruations you will have in marriage and also imagine the number of times he will behave like this when such happens .