HomeAdviceTrue Life Story: Rushed Into Marriage But I Cannot Continue Anymore-Pls Advise

True Life Story: Rushed Into Marriage But I Cannot Continue Anymore-Pls Advise

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True Life Story: Rushed Into Marriage But I Cannot Continue Anymore-Pls Advise

Good evening Lively Stones,

I need your help. I know that what I am about to say will raise insults from the readers; I think I am at a point where I will take whatever insults I get. I did not know any better. I made a mistake. That mistake will cost me my marriage but I feel its better to come clean and be honest, maybe I will be happier. I also am tired of living a lie.

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My issue is that, seven years ago, I broke up with my ex due to pressures from my family, most especially my elder sister. I was in a normal relationship, we loved each other but my ex who is a lawyer and 2 years older than my sister always had some small issues. My elder sister felt my ex was not respectful because he seemed to match her anytime they have an argument.

My ex is very intelligent and very assertive. He is also very comfortable financially. Some people see him as proud or arrogant but he is just a very outspoken person, coupled with the fact that he is a lawyer turned business man, he never really saw eye to eye with my sister. But the strange thing was, me and him got along very well. But my sister felt he was suppressing me and that if I marry him, he will make me feel inferior and suppress my opinions.

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My sister convinced my parents that my ex was not good for me, that he will lord it over me in marriage. My sister was married and in her marriage, her husband is the quiet type. So, my sister is used to being controlling her husband and she expected the same for me. To the extent that when I had a misunderstanding with my ex, I listened to my sister and I broke up with him.

Immediately we broke up, my sister was very happy…she introduced me to a friend of hers who was abroad and wanted to marry someone in Nigeria before he travels. My parents too forced my hand when they heard the man was abroad. He had blinded their eyes with dollars. That is how I got married to this friend of hers under two months of meeting him. I too wanted to forget about my ex and focus on this new guy.

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On the eve of my marriage to this man who is now my husband, I discovered I was pregnant. Clearly, it was for my ex. But I told no one. I married and pinned the pregnancy on my new husband. He was overjoyed. We have a son together. That has been my secret in the last seven years. I have 2 other children from my husband. But I am not happy in this marriage.

In this marriage, my husband travels alot even though he provides for me and the children but the marriage being an arranged marriage has no love. We do not say I love you because I know its not true. Its just a marriage. I also know that my husband is not faithful to me cos as he travels, he meets different women. He likes to enjoy his life. I do not hate him for that but it made me miss my ex whom I had a loving relationship with.

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I chatted up my ex last year and we started chatting frequently. He now has a baby mama but he says he has not found anyone that is like me for him to settle down for marriage. We grew fonder as we chatted….now, I am his side chick. His babymama lives with him but they are not married but we meet secretly from time to time. What I enjoy meeting with my ex is not really s3x but the friendship and conversations we both share.

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Both of us can be in bed for hours, just gisting and playing. I clear that the live between us is still very much alive. I can no longer live with the fact that I hid the knowledge of his first child from him. I want to confess to him. He has asked me to move back to him. I told him I do not want to disappoint my family and he asked me why do I keep bothering myself what other people say.

That for the first time made me realize that it was what my family said that made me choose wrongly. I want to go back to my ex cos there is where I am truly happy. He deserves to know he has a son with me. I deserve to be with the man I truly love…The only issue is, my husband will feel betrayed but the more I keep the secret…I am also thinking of my two other children…will my husband let me keep them or will he take them away from me?

The longer this continues, the more I feel terrible for going into this marriage based on lie, stuck in a marriage of no love and cheating. I feel I should be honest about everything and how I truly feel…is it not better to come clean rather than postpone the evil day? I am very sorry for deceiving my husband…my sister caused everything…Please guide me, how do I go about it?

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

4 COMMENTS

  1. Dear poster, marriage shouldn’t be on deceit, you messed up listening to your family, I will advice you come out clean with both men,so your conscience would be free. Your hubby would be upset but it’s the right thing to do…everything will be fine, peace dear…

  2. Hmmm…… I started with that because sincerely you have a bigger problem and you don’t even know it yet….You are your own problem

    1) You have a caring husband who takes care of you and your kids, you didn’t mention sexual incompatibility between you two (safe to assume he isn’t so bad at satisfacting your sexual needs). He might be cheating on you but he left them to marry you and has since been taking care of you. You are not difficult to please.

    2) You try to pin your decision to marry him on your family and sister but in reality you made the decision and was after a misunderstanding you had with him. This shows irresponsibility on you path.

    3) You knew you were pregnant and could have told your husband then and then but apparently you were still angry with your lover and you didn’t wanna lose both ways, hence you play safe. You are self centered.

    This attributes u posessed complicated your issue. Rather than looking for love why not focus on your self, personal growth and your children future. Why not focus of being independant than wanting love and a gist partner.
    Telling a secret like this could alter your comfortablity which you take for a joke presently. You are so comfortable in your marriage life you now focus of negativities and what is lacking.

    Your husband might be all nice and taking care of you, but he could easily change when he get a wind of your infidelity, he could leave and the kids to suffer, ask for a divorce or take the kids.

    Your ex whom you think love you so much can deny you if he finds out you kept his baby from him all d years.

    You family would hate u for going back to an ex they complained about and sister would be disappointed.

    Leave you ex alone, focus on your independency, or better still travel out, when you are certain you can confidently take care of your self and children admist any back lash them you can talk to you husband regarding the patanity of your first child and see ghow it takes the news,then what to do next would unravel

    It is morally right for your husband to know though

  3. Dear poster, you think you are unhappy now? Wait until you are stuck between both of them and no one wants to be responsible for you anymore.

    You blame everyone else for why you think you are unhappy in marriage but you’ll soon ruin what’s left with your own hands..

    Your ex is sweet now and you think he is an angel but I hope you know how much power you’ll be giving him if you leave your marriage for him? And if he changes it for you hope you know you are the only one that will loose? What effort have you put in to try and make your marriage work? You think with your ex there wouldn’t be any challenges? Marriage requires effort, stop being childish and looking for easy fix/already made.
    At this stage things are already too complicated so just think of how to fix your marriage. Maybe things are like this between you too because your mind clearly isn’t in the marriage and chances are you haven’t been trying to connect with him because you have all this rubbish thought in your head, treat your husband like a husband, he’ll catch up.

    For your sake and your children, I hope you leave your ex alone and realise that your ships have sailed different directions it’s time to move on and work on what you’ve got.

    And as for your husband cheating, that’s also senseless, you both need to be mature enough to want your marriage to work.

  4. The earlier the come clean with the truth , the better for everyone. Las, las everyone will be alright. People will definitely get hurt but it’s best to come clean now . Ask yourself what you really want and prayerfully take your stand . Shalom

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