True Life Story: This Secret Is Drowning Me-How I Had An Abortion After Seven Years Of Marriage
Hi Lively Stones,
Please don’t use our real names. I cheated on my husband and I feel horrible. So horrible that I cannot pray or face him or face God. Since the incident happened, I have not been myself and I have been crying secretly for weeks now. Even when my husband and I are making love, I will be feeling guilty and hearing voices calling me horrible names to confess.
God knows I never intended to cheat ….I am one person that can swear that cheating is the last thing that I will do. I am quick to even chastise people who cannot remain faithful in their marriages. I am fallen now…its like, the devil wants to destroy my happiness and I was foolish enough to let him tempt me.
My marriage will be seven years in May. I married a very quiet and nice man. My husband and I dated long distance for a whole year, we met on Facebook. As at that time, he was in the process of getting a divorce. I was 33 years old at the time, I was not in the business of choosing men anyhow cos time was not on my side. Greg, my husband and his ex wife eventually finalized their divorce a year and a half later and we got married.
After we got married, I don’t know when it happened but it was like, all the excitement to be married just died down. My husband got a big promotion at work. That meant, he was always busy at work and that affected our relationship. At first, I did not mind much because I was comfortable but money cannot replace the love and companion of a spouse.
To make matters worse, a year later, he was then deployed to head the company’s south Africa’s office and Lagos office together. That meant he was jetting in and out of the country very often. I tried to travel with him but I was miserable on the trips cos he would end up spending his entire day in meetings and I would either go shopping or sleep all day in the hotel room.
It did not help matters that I began to feel he was also cheating with someone at work. He seemed to love spending time more at work than with me. I constantly suspected him. He got really frustrated and that pushed us further apart. I later decided to focus on my business. I opened a fashion house. I started meeting people at my work and occupied myself with work but I still felt the loneliness at home when I closed from work.
Last year, I got so frustrated that I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I was tired of being patient. We were not even trying hard enough to make babies cos he was never around. That was like a wake up call for him. He did not want to be divorced a second time. That was when he pleaded with him to give him one year, after which, he will resign from his job and find another job that will afford him more time to attend to his husband duties.
Unfortunately for me, around that time, due to boredom, I reconnected with an old flame, Travis. I say flame because it was never a serious relationship at the time…we met briefly about 9 years ago and it did not last for up to a month cos he left the country. Sometimes, he would chat with me and say he wishes things were different for us, cos he thinks about me from time to time.
Travis and I started chatting alot and he told me he would be in town in February. It was valentine season. Love was in the air and guess what, my own husband did not even remember me on Vals day. I made a mistake, I hooked up with Travis and it was the most crazy thing to do but I had s3x with him and it was unprotected because it was supposed to be on my safe period.
As if God wanted to punish me…I realized that I got pregnant …just three days after my husband got back to own…so there was no way that he was the one who got me pregnant because he had been out of town since end of January. I panicked and quickly had the pregnancy terminated. Since the, guilt has not let me have peace of mind.
I regret having that abortion but what else could I have done? Should I have placed responsibility on my husband when the baby is not his? For the first time in seven years of marriage….I get pregnant and its for a fling with another man…that made me begin to think maybe my husband is the reason we do not have children yet….well, even the s3x with hubby is like less than 10 times in a year because of his job.
Now, I struggle to pray…to live..I cry everyday…I am depressed…I feel so sad and broken. I feel I lost an opportunity to be a mom …what if I never ever get pregnant again…I have bad dreams of my baby that I destroyed…I feel lost…I probably will burn in hell for what I did but I can’t even find the words to pray for forgiveness…this secret is drowning me. I need help.
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