True Life Story: Why I Am Feeling Nervous About My Feelings For My Neighbor
Dear Lively Stones,
I have been an ardent follower of your blog since 2020 and I must commend you for a job well done in advising so many people with relationship issues. Please I need your advice. This matter is very sensitive. I am a widow and I have feelings for my neighbor, who is actually my tenant. This tenant has lived in our compound for over 10 years. I remember when he moved in with his pregnant wife 10 years ago. Things were difficult for them but I had pity on them and allowed them stay in flat beside us without them paying agency fee.
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Over the years, our families bonded and became very close. As a young couple, they had issues. Sometimes me and my husband who was actually sick with Cancer at the time used to counsel them to be patient with one another. At one point, the wife left and packed her things from the house for almost 2 years. She left with her two small children and left the eldest daughter who practically lived with us when her dad came very late from work.
My husband died in those two years. I was devastated because my last child just got admitted to the university. To loose my best friend when it was time our children no longer lived with us was painful. At that time, Dande’s wife returned. I thought they had reconciled. They stayed one more year before she finally divorced her husband. This time, she took her daughter with her too.
So it was left with Dande, the tenant and me, a widow living all by myself. Its not easy, Dande used to come around to check on me and help me do stuff that a man can do, like take my car to mechanic or put on my generator for me,etc. Feelings started developing inside me for Dande but I was too afraid to let it show cos he is younger than me and our families are too close. What would his ex wife think? What about his daughter that lived with me for two years?
So, I tried to hide my feelings but one day, I saw Dande bring in a lady to his apartment. A sudden jealousy hit me. The lady was clearly his girlfriend and things started getting serious with them. I could not help but become unfriendly to Dande. I even asked him to start looking for another apartment. He asked me why, I told him I dont like his girlfriend. He was like, dont I want him to move on after his wife left him, I replied in desperation and said to him….I also feel alone but I try to control myself. He looked at me very baffled…wondering what I was saying.
My behavior to Dande was bad. I was mean to him cos I wanted him to notice me but he did not. Then he informed me that he had found a place and he would be moving. I was shocked and started begging him not to leave anymore. At that time, he said, what do you really want, you asked me to leave and now you dont want me to leave. I then confessed to him my feelings. Dande was shocked and said he never noticed and that I should have mentioned it but I am a bit old school, I dont know how to flirt with a man.
So Dande stayed back but I noticed, he was now avoiding me. I caused it, I dont blame him. Then one day, Dande came to my apartment to ask for some salt. As I went to the kitchen to get it for him, he followed me and grabbed me from behind. I was shocked and before I could say nothing, we both kissing and doing you know…we did it…yes..on my kitchen floor. It was the most erotic thing I have ever done in my life. We moved to the bed and continued.
Dande and I are in a secret relationship but I want to make it official but I am scared. Doing all these in secret, at my age…am not comfortable. I am 52 years old, he is 45, not too bad for age difference but my fear is, his ex wife and children. How will they feel? My kids are aware (at least my eldest daughter) and they are happy for me that I have found a companion again, they always encouraged me to remarry and they loved Dande cos he was a good tenant but they know Dande’s ex wife is a terror and she will not be happy with this.
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So please what do you think? At my age, I should not be worried about what people think about what I do with my life but in this case, its a little different cos I was like a mother figure to Dande’s ex wife and children. Will they think I betrayed them? I would really need their approval, especially the daughter who is about 12 years old. I need her not to h@te me cos I really really love her. Please what should I do about this?
On his part, Dande feels we should wait a bit before making things official. He is also concerned about the daughter who as a pre-teen is not happy her parents are not together, it may be too much for her. But in the back of my mind….is Dande trying to avoid commitment? I know he loves me or so he says and his actions show that. But its been almost 3 months and I feel weird hiding this. I am not a teenager hiding that she has a boyfriend from her parents na.
Should I call Dande’s ex wife and ask for her approval like a mature person would do? Or will that be too belittling of myself? I feel ashamed about this a little…like I am doing something wrong but I am not. I feel nervous about making this official but my whole body and being has never loved anyone but my late husband the way I love Dande. Its been six years after my husband died and its been almost four years since Dande separated from his wife but their divorce was only finalized last year.. And I have found love again but it feels kinda wrong. What should I do? Please pray for me and advice me.
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