True Life Story: How My Desire To Get Pregnant Exposed My Husband’s Painful Childhood Secrets
Hello Jzhane,
Thank you for taking your time to meet with me. Its taken me a long time to come to a place where I can share my pain with others. I am not really a sharer but hopefully, my story will help someone save their marriage or maybe someone will even have a word of advice that I have never really considered. People need to start asking some serious questions when getting married. Questions like: do you have any childhood traumas? Have you dealt with your trauma? How will this trauma affect our marriage? I have been in therapy for weeks now, me sharing my story, is part of my therapy. Please read and share your opinion.
I have never been lucky in relationships before I married Ruben. I feel like, my luck with men was not great at all. I dated many guys but none of them loved me enough for marriage. As I crossed age 30, I decided to focus on self love and not worry about finding love and marriage. My family was already pressuring me about getting married, I was about to loose my mind if I did not advice myself.
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For three years, I dated no man. Until I met Ruben. When Ruben was coming for me, I told him I was not interested in a casual relationship. He said he too wants something that will lead to marriage. After five months of dating, we got engaged. We got married another four months later, so in less than a year of knowing each other, we were husband and wife. Everyone was happy for us. Our story was even used by many young people as example. I mean, everyone knew how I waited 3 years before finding the right man to marry.
So you can imagine my shock when just a year after marriage, Ruben and I started having issues. It was a s3x problem. We talked about having children when we were dating, so naturally, at age 33, I wanted to started having babies after 3 months of wedding but Ruben was like, lets wait for a while. Wait a while, I thought he meant like a year or maximum 2 years after marriage but Ruben tactically tracked my ovulation period, so as to avoid having s3x with me on my fertile days.
This continued until two years later. Ruben was still not keen about having children. I noticed he became more busy with work. That was when I started suspecting something was not right. I became unhappy. My marriage started falling apart. We were not talking. I had to open up to my family and they sent for my husband. Ruben refused to honor the call of my family for many months. I had no option but to open up to Ruben’s only sister whom I noticed that they are not even close but she is the only sibling I could think of, since, Ruben and his mother are estranged and his father is late.
It was Ruben’s sister who told me that Ruben has a fear of having children because of their parents. Ruben’s parents got separated when they were really small. The mother abandoned them while the father went to marry other women, who never cared for them. Ruben and his sister grew up in a very difficult home cos it was always step mothers and half siblings who treated them badly. His sister was constantly maltreated and r*ped while Ruben was constantly bullied and starved. Ruben told himself that he would never have a child, because he never wanted to have children who he thinks may end up like he and his sister.
I was shocked cos Ruben never told me he does not want children. I confronted Ruben….he was quiet and he started crying….he confessed that he thought he was ready to move on from his childhood trauma but he realized he is not ready to have children. I realized how bad his trauma was and so I told him he needed to see a therapist. I now realized why Ruben has so many marks on his body. I realized I never really knew the man I married. Ruben apologized for not telling me and asked if I wanted a divorce.
At that point, I felt I could help my husband with his trauma, so I told him no…that I was ready to be with him as long as he sought for help. We both agreed…we were able to find a psychologist whom Ruben started seeing. It was during the sessions with the psychologist, Ruben was able to face the fact that he was also abused as a child…the therapy sessions , Ruben confessed that he was being r*ped by his Uncle and other people in their polygamous family for many years.
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The therapist recommended that Ruben take some time to heal before he can focus on our marriage (this therapist is not Jzhane please). The professional said that there was no way Ruben can be a father or a good husband if he has not addressed the trauma that ruined his life. I remember that session very clearly. We were both weeping cos it was clear, we were dealing with such pain that was bigger than both of us. On our way home, Ruben asked me for a separation. I asked him for how long…he said he is not sure but he knows he loves me and wants to be married with me ….but he needs to be ready to be a father and he needs some time to deal with that.
In as much as I wanted to say no, I knew it was the only way. I agreed and we went home and made love that day. It was more like a good bye s3x. Ruben moved out of the house that week to rent an apartment. I was in the house all by myself. I started thinking of how to move on. The plan was that, I would stay in the apartment till the rent expired or I find someone who would take over the house and pay me back the rent balance. With Ruben gone, I fell into depression. I remember the day I took off my wedding ring…I was having a breakdown. I was hurting. With no one to tell how I was feeling. I was in a very bad place.
That led me to call one of the men I dated briefly before marriage…asked him if he was available for hook up…explained to him that I needed a man to hold me, we met and f*cked. I knew this was a bad move but it was better than coming home everyday and meeting an empty house, no husband….how do I explain that a marriage of less than 2 years was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I finally realized how unlucky I have been in relationships.
Its been two months since Ruben moved out. I am still unable to get my self…I have been going to therapy but its not working. I am unable to concentrate on anything even at work. I took sick leave last week, I wanted to rest cos I have not being feeling myself. It was then I noticed my period was late. In horror, I took a pregnancy test. It came back positive. I am pregnant. And by the looks of it, I am not sure if its for Ruben or the guy am sleeping with.
The worst part is, how do I explain this to Ruben? I feel this will drive him faster to divorce since he is not ready for children.How do I even know who fathered the child. All I wanted was a child in my marriage but my husband wants no children and I am not sure if this child is even his. Now, I understand why women pin pregnancies on their husbands. Is this what I should do? We are not divorced…how will Ruben react to this pregnancy development? Or should I terminate the pregnancy to avoid more confusion….until at least we are sure if we are divorcing or coming back together?
I need your advise…this is alot of pain…too much for me to handle. For someone who only wanted to have a child, this news of pregnancy is really hurting me so much. Or is this a sign that my marriage may be finally over even before the period of separation ends?
Anonymous
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Dear poster,I do not understand what you mean by you don’t know who the father of the baby is
Have you been sleeping with multiple men? If you only called your ex after you separated with your husband and you’re sure he was the only one you slept with,you should be able to know whose pregnancy it is.
From your story,you said your husband tracked your ovulation,this simply means that the guy has been very careful not to impregnate you.
Whose pregnancy are you carrying? You’re not even sure if it is for your ex because you sounded like you’ve been sleeping with too many men.
You’re 33, you’re not too young or too old to get pregnant,women give birth at the age of 38-40. You should have taken this time to pray for your marriage,this is what wise women do, they pray for restoration upon the life of their husbands,pray for peace,commune with their Maker and see how things will not turn around for them.
You still need to continue with the therapy,this is not easy for your husband at all,he really was abused at a very tender age,there was no fatherly and motherly care,no mother or father figure in his life,he was abandoned as a little child ,chaiii ! It’s well with his soul,but he should have discussed this with you before marrying you in a hurry or were you the one that rushed him to marry you within one year?
Here comes the answer you seek,you just have to make your choice out of this two.
*You either terminate the pregnancy and wait till your husband comes back to you and be sure to mother his baby
* Or give birth and become a single mother at 33, you’ve always wanted a child right,now you have it . The choice is yours,choose wisely my princess .
Udo
*Read the whole story*
And really she was right about some few things like checking the past life events of the person u are dating or about to date
The trauma,their phobias ,the normal things people do but are seen as risk to them
But as couple we do not really asked this question , because we are carried away by the event that is unfolding called love .
Love is blind they say ,it makes us not see things that normally we should be very fast to see
Anyway that’s by the way ,there is no need killing a dead dog than to find solutions to the issue on ground
Ur husband decided he needed a break and both of u had a consensual agreement of going apart ,but what was not really stated was the part where u guys agreed if u could have sex with external partners while u guys need space to think
Anyway body no be firewood ,emotions are dangling hear one needs a partner to keep the body at bay ,which I totally understand with you
But the solution is simple ,if Ur man doesn’t know the last time he had sex with u ,there is a high possibility u might pin it to him ,
U are not the first doing it ,and some might be angry I am saying this ,but if I said the *truth* how many people would not be angry huh ??
Anyway let me say the truth
U play fouled having sex with a total stranger without using condom or getting contraceptive pills ,to me that is carelessly
That is if u want to hear the truth from my mouth ,but if u want he lie u can take the former route ,but then do u want to pin a pregnancy on a man who doesn’t or even know he wants to have a baby ,that won’t work sister
So back to the truth ,the question u need to asked Urself is do u want to keep the baby or u want to abort it
Because the ball is in Ur court ??
If u then abort the baby and Ur former man doesn’t accept u back ,what would u do
I would have suggested that instead of giving a random guy free sex ,the time u guys were apart
U should have given urself the opportunity to look for another partner ,who really wants u and needs u and wants to have children with u ,but then as humans we do make mistake when we allow emotions to get the best of us ,don’t we ??
So u can’t tell Ur husband u are expectant , because he is not ready but one thing I feel u can do is to tell the new man
How do u now tell owns the baby ??
Ur former partner who needs a vacation or the new man getting free sex
But woman u ought to know whose child u are carrying at the moment , because knowing is one step ahead of solving the problem
U should know how long u have been pregnant ,and if is equivalent to the time u last had sex with Ur man (Ur main husband) then there is a high chance he might be the father of the child
Knowing who put the sperm that fertilise the child is very effective in determine what are ur liable solution
First determine how long u have been pregnant then correlate it who had sex with u prior to that period
That’s is easy to know ,doctors can help u do that too
Now if u find how it is Ur husband that has the child ,then u ought to tell him
Him alone can determine what u would do with the child ,either keep it or whatever he tells u to do
But if u find out it is the other guy (the gigolo guy ) that is the father of the child ,then u can as well tell him too ,who knows this could be the opening of a new relationship for u ,since the former man thinks marriage is like a job where u can *_clock in and clock out_* when u want
It isn’t , marriage is for better for worst not for better and better
So the decision u choose to take ,it is solely dependent on who is the biological father of the baby
But please do not pin the child of who is not the father ,that is *wickedness*
Some lies are not easily amendable ,they follow to death that even God has no pity for such women who give excuses ,example of them is paternity fraud
So do the needful
PRAY FOR UR MARRIAGE U SHOULD NOT HAVE SLEPT WITH ANOTHER MAN POSTER BE WISE AND DO NOT ABÖRT THAT CHILD BECAUSE U ONLY WANTED A CHILD U DO THINK ABOUT UR HUSAND TAKE CARE OF UR CHILD
My sister,
You know who impregnated you, stop trying to act like you don’t know.
The reason why women pin other men’s pregnancies on their husbands is because of wickedness and greed, don’t try to make excuses for such wickedness.
You must tell Reuben, you slept with another man and you are pregnant, you must tell him.
Let him decide what to do.
To the men that sleep with other men’s wives, if you are killed, we will only use you as a lesson to other men not to have anything with married women.
My dear poster
The baby have to be delivered first if you plan on keeping it, then a test carried out to know the real owner of the baby.
Till then, try your best to handle your emotions maturely. It is not a bad idea if you tell your husband what transpired at his back. That’s how wise women behave.
But come to think of it, my mother use to say that every woman knows who impregnanted her.
Maybe she was wrong afterall or maybe she was not bearing you in mind.
I wish you and your husband the very best
Goodluck though.
Dear Poster,
I feel your pains and hurt.
No woman prays to movein and out of a marriage especially with someone they love.
Your husband needs the therapy and this news shouldn’t be shared with him. It will affect him.
You need to continue with your own therapy and be open to heal real good.
There is no telling if your husband will return to you after the therapy but be optimistic.
The child’s paternity could be found I guess while still in your tummy. Ask your doctors and real good doctors. If yes, conform the paternity and that will guide your decision.
If it’s your husband, keep the baby and relate the info through his therapist who knows when it’s best for you to disclose the news to your husband.
If it’s the other guy, consider your marriage over and have the child for him or keep it away and be a single mother.
Don’t pin the pregnancy on your husband, that’s evil.
I won’t suggest abortion except you are okay with it and the truth is that pregnancy will mense up your mind and everything.
You made a huge mistake sleeping with another man at all. It showed no respect or your marriage and husband. It’s even an indication of defeat and no hope for the marriage to be restored back.
Please, stop sleeping with anyone and pray for your marriage, your husband and yourself.
Prayer will help. Seek more counsel from professionals and be sure what your heart is at peace to do over your current situation.
All the best.