True Life Story: How My Husband Is Treating Me Because He Wants To Have More Children
Editor’s Note:
All names of individuals and location has been changed to protect poster’s privacy.
Regards,
J
Hello Lively Stones,
My name is Mira. I am from Norway but I am married to a Nigerian man, we both live in Norway. I met my husband when he came to study here. Being with someone from a different culture is very difficult but we love each other, so we try to always compromise now and again. I have visited Nigeria twice now. I see the way men treat their wives is different over there. But my husband tries to be fair because we are not in Africa. The laws here are different.
We have been married for five years now. We don’t have any issue except that I have infertility which we have been treating for almost 3 years. For people with infertility issues, its a very painful experience but there are other options like adoption since I can’t do IVF or surrogacy. My eggs are not viable, most times, I am not even producing any eggs. Its been a difficult journey especially knowing that I married an African man who’s family desires for him to have children to carry on their family legacy.
My husband is totally against adoption. He said its against African culture and his Uncle who tried to adopt a young boy who ended up being the black ship of their family, so adoption is out of the question. So, I sometimes fear, this childlessness might lead to our separation one day. A year ago, my husband’s sister called me to talk to me; to allow the brother, to get an African wife, someone who will bear him children, but the woman and her children will only be in Nigeria, while my husband and I remain in Norway.
I was so upset that she raised this subject up because it confirmed that it must have been discussed with my husband before it was brought to me. And I felt angry because my husband could not face me enough to tell me himself. When I confronted my husband, he said he was sorry but he really wants children and if I cannot bear him children, then I should allow him have children outside the marriage with another woman.
To me, I agreed that he can have children outside but he must not marry another woman. I do not believe in polygamy like some people do, so its either we go our separate ways or he can find someone who will have children for him but no marriage will be involved. After much argument, my husband finally gave in…so we started the surrogacy process of looking for a surrogate who will be matched with my husband’s sperm and a donor egg.
We were able to get a surrogate and most of the fees was paid by me. I was happy to do that since it will give us the joy of having our own baby even though its not my egg. The surrogate gave us our baby girl in January of this year, we have never been so happy. I was happy, my husband was happy. I have been doting on my little girl for the past few months that she has been with us.
Then something happened a few weeks ago. My husband turned 40 years, so I threw him a birthday party with close friends and family. We had a great time…and partied long into the night. One of our friends at the party was really drunk, so I asked her to spend the night at our place cos she was in a really bad state. I showed her the guest room, while I went to back to the sitting room where hubby was still drinking. My husband was drunk too…so, soon as I got to him, it was action time, we started making love…
I don’t know if it was the moans or screams that alerted my friend, but this drunk ass friend of mine came to our living room and saw us making love, in the middle of us having passionate s3x…and she began to kiss me and my husband….I was confused…but I knew she was not herself….she was talking trash…saying we should have a threesome….surprisingly, my drunk husband concurred with this woman…I refused and tried to push the woman away but hubby kept asking me to relax and just allow it as a birthday gift to him.
My feeble protest eventually died and the threesome happened…I was also under the influence of alcohol. I felt very weird about everything….the next day, the lady apologized for forcing herself on us but my husband kept smiling, saying she should forget about it. I was angry with my friend after that…and I accused her of taking advantage of me and my husband. I asked her never to show up in my house anymore. Its not like we were that close as friends but I did not think she was this kind of person.
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I asked my husband why he allowed that to happen and he blamed it on him being overly drunk. A few days later, this friend sent me a screenshot message that my husband sent her…my husband was flirting with her and was asking her for another fun time. I was furious and confronted my husband…he apologized for contacting my friend but he said he enjoyed himself too much that day we had the threesome and he has been craving for it ever since.
My husband then asked me if I did not enjoy it…I told him I did not…because I do not believe in having s3x with someone else in your marriage…he said I was being a hypocrite cos he saw how I enjoyed it. Then he said, what if this friend of yours can give us another baby? Meaning, if we are in a relationship with her…she could help us get another baby without paying for surrogacy. Surrogacy fees are very high over here. His argument was that, we can get a second child for free while having fun on the side. He said he wants 3 or 4 children. He said its against his culture to have only one child.
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It suddenly dawned on me that apart from the s3x aspect, my husband wants more children. I understand the need for more children so I get why he wants to continue screwing my friend. I am afraid that this may lead to problems in my marriage. And so, I think I maybe this is the end of the road for us…he will always want more children. I cannot give him children..so I asked him what will he do if I refuse, he said he is a man, I cannot determine what he will do. So so you see, this again, is what the African culture demands. A man can do whatever he likes even if his wife does not like it.
Is my marriage over? What do I do? I love my husband so much but he desire to have more children has put a strain on me…what should I do? I cannot afford another surrogacy…he is not able to either…so is this our only option (having an affair with my friend so she can get pregnant for my husband ) or is this a sign for me to leave this marriage?
Why is this culture unkind to women? His family supports him cos all they want is more children. Or is this just an excuse from my husband for him to have a threesome again?
Anonymous
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Does your husband have the financial ability to take care of four children? Why are you the only one doing major things in the family?
Dear Mira,please don’t give in into that your husband’s suggestion,he is already tired of you since you can’t bear him children,he is only playing by the rules of the African settings.
If he wants another child,please go for a surrogate,don’t involve your friend,if not,that marriage is over because your friend might give a condition that your husband must marry her.
What if your friend places a huge fee before releasing the baby?So,you see,go for surrogacy and have peace.
It’s well with your marriage
He doesn’t love you, you are being used. It’s not about your infertility or him wanting children, those are just very good excuses for him to use against you and you can’t even see the deceit that is in front of your eyes. And he is enjoying it.
That man does not love you.
Bigger question is do you love yourself enough to make the right decision for your mental health? Because it’s not going to get better anytime soon. He will keep using childlessness against you until you until you break to his total will which I promise will not be in your favour or until you atleast get bold enough to stand for what you deserve
This is really serious.
Those are the mindset set of a typical stereotyped african man, he wants to have children he can’t raise.
Please do not agree to the threesome nor having babies with your friend and you have to make that very clear to him. You already have a child what more does he want?
Just be prepared because if you don’t allow him, he will still do it either ways because he thinks having more children is more important that the love you both share. Most Africans believe one child is no child at least two or three children is what they consider as children
NB: Not all Africans think that way, there are great men and women who have moved out of that primitive way of thinking.
That ur husband is really using culture as a cover up,so that he can have the liberty to fuck other women outside the house. He’s just tired of the marriage if u ask me,just look for other alternative if u can cheers.
Your husband doesn’t love you enough.if he truly does,he won’t be using this culture thing against you. Sorry to say this,your husband is very manipulative.
The truth is that your husband doesn’t love you.
A man who truly loves the wife will never want a three some.
He will not allow anything or anyone come between him and her.
I perceive you are richer than your husband and he’s with you because of what he’s gaining from you.
I advise you to love yourself enough to give yourself peace of mind. You already have a daughter.
Don’t allow him to manipulate you again in any way.