True Life Story: My Boyfriend Has Poverty Mentality, Is This A Red Flag?
Hi Lively Stones,
I need your advice on this matter. I have been dating this guy for like seven, almost eight months. Now, this guy is cool, but we have a different philosophy about a few things and that has really affected the relationship. To the extent, I have thought about quitting the relationship for a while now. But every time, he pleads with me, to give him time to change.
One of the difference between us is money: for me, I grew up comfortable and I like the fine things of life. I can be extravagant sometimes because I believe life is to be enjoyed. My guy on the other hand is more prudent with money. He tends to spend less on things and even on me. At first, I liked the balance because I felt he would keep me grounded but I think its a poor mindset that he has and I cannot deal with it anymore.
To me, its a bit selfish actually. I spend money on him and he hardly spends on me. He says he is planning for our future. He has not even proposed o. We are just girlfriend and boyfriend. On his birthday, I went all out for him. He appreciated it and even told his friends and family about it. I am big on celebrating birthdays….all my friends and family know me like that.
ALSO READ:Is My Cheating Ex Better Than My Stingy Boyfriend? Pls Advise
So, for my birthday, which was last month, I started throwing him hints here and there but he kept telling me that birthdays are just for one day, no need to go crazy. I understand may be he does not earn as me but its not the amount someone spends but the effort he puts into it. A day before my birthday, I was already getting gifts and well wishes. On the morning of my birthday, my boyfriend sends me a message that he will see me over the weekend because he is busy at work that day.
I swear, I was downcast. My best friend came and was asking me what my boyfriend planned for me on my birthday, I told her I don’t know but it will be at the weekend. So, my friend took my out and some other friends joined us later. Later, my ex sent me one thousand dollars for my birthday. In fact, that made me feel bad that we broke up cos he still remembers my special day. That is how the people around me are, they are not stingy with money, we care about each other….but this my ex has moved on sef.
Then came the Saturday …the weekend that my boyfriend promised me. He came around 3pm…and he brought me a birthday card only. He was like, love is not in material things but what the small thing means. I was shook and told him to keep his card. I got upset, we argued and I asked him to leave my house. He called me a materialistic b*tch. I cried. My friends got upset that and they decided to throw me a surprise party which I went for that night.
At the party, It was a lit party, my food friends all came…we danced and really had a great time. There was a great looking guy there, my friends were busy trying to match make us so I can forget about my tight fisted boyfriend. We ended up making out in his car that night. The next day, my boyfriend came to beg and ask me to be patient to with him.I told him to give me some space, I needed to think.
Now, I am at a place where I need to make a decision: the guy I met at my birthday has been showering me with gifts, flowers everyday…begging me to date him. And my bobo is begging me for a second chance? For me, my boyfriend already has a mindset…that may not be changed…I mean, he knows why I am upset with him…yet …no effort to even buy me a gift or suggest a romantic date to make up….he is busy sending love messages.
I know money is not everything. I am not a materialistic girl but I like to feel appreciated and treated like someone’s queen. My boyfriend is smart and friendly but has poverty mentality. Always criticizing how I spend even my own money. I feel that is a red flag. Now, that I have a guy making me feel like I want, maybe its time to finally break up with my boyfriend?
In the near future, I want to find someone to settle down in marriage. I do not want to waste my time with anyone that is not of the same mindset as me. As for my boyfriend, for someone who is begging that he will change….still has not caught the hint to even make up by spending even ordinary 5k on me? Mind you, he earns like 420k in a month, so its not like he is broke. I just realized he is trying to get me into a lifestyle that I is backward.
I have my own money as I said…I don’t need his money…but how will I be dating or even marry someone who cannot spend a valuable naira on me if he loves me? What is love without giving? My biological clock is ticking…I just celebrated 28 years…should I move on or give this boyfriend of mine another chance?
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Move on oooo.
How can someone be that stingy
Hello , relationship is about two different people with different ideologies who come together so they can have a common interests and desire , if u guys can not have a common interest about anything I don’t see why u guys are together . Ur boyfriend does not have a poor man’s mentality as u said he is only careful and deliberate in the way he spends , it is better u tell him that both of u can’t be together and follow thr new guys that are giving u the money u truly feel u deserve , ur relationship would go through series of unfaithfulness, lies , bitterness and resentment if u choose to continue with ur boyfriend, I understand there is something that is making u still stick to him but u must be willing to let that go , exit the relationship not because of u alone but because of him too , he is only begging but has not change , meaning he might not changed .
I’m sure and certain that your boyfriend cannot fit in with the kind of money spending life style you want.
Without wasting time, kindly go ahead with the new guy you just met,I mean the one you had a one stand with. He earns 420k and you expect him to throw an elaborate party,inukwa. He needs to save biko
My sister, homely boyfriend is better than street boyfriend oooo, I love your boyfriend’s style,he will make a good husband in future,I call him better boyfriend with the sauce.
There won’t be any need wasting time,God has just buttered your bread,He gave you a quick replacement,abeg follow your heart. You want the money spending guy,the one that will keep surprising you with gifts almost all the time,ngwanu.
God bless you,but always spend small small ooo,e get why.
I have friends with these kind of extreme personality. I tell you, the wife who is the liberal partner isnt finding it easy.
So if you see this as a red flag which is making you unhappy already, please take it seroiusly cos it ll really becomes “red” when you marry your boy friend. Eyes ll be opened then o. You cant change your partner in marriage. if you resent the trait now, please i advice you back off.
From the way you narrated here, I see it as your boyfriend is simply selfish , not that he is prudent.
(Some others may see it otherwise though).
So, if hes selfish, your personality doesnt really match. You sure need someone who can cut your excesses but not a selfish individual who doesnt mind being spent on but cant spend on you.
However, please, take it easy on yourself on the new guy! Who does that, youre vulnerable, you cant think straight. Besides, he knows your story, he just needs to pretend and play along to get you. i advise you stop already. youre makingout first night! common!
Free your mind and research on what makes an husband- material in a guy, becos theres more than financial liberality . These are what you should look out for.
i wish you the best.
There really is a thin line between being prudent and being downright stingy/tight fisted!.
I deduce that what she craves for is not just an “extravagant” lifestyle but some level of effort and reciprocity from her 420k earning man.
Sending her the birthday card on her birthday amidst his “busy schedule” would have made a world of difference. Ordering and sending her lunch would not have put a dent on his pocket also!
He seems set in his ways and this is understandably a red flag for her. Her love language is centered around giving and acts of service.
This new guy however ticks the boxes for her as far as spending and giving is concerned but she should be also wary of a likelihood of *Lovebombing*…what happens if the lovebombing phase fizzles out?
Will there be other virtues left of him?
All the best to her. Discernment is key!
I think you should let him go not because he is a bad person but this will always be an issue and you will end up feeling cheated.
It gets worse after marriage, you’ll want to live in a nice apartment he will say live in a face me I face you, you will want to send your children to decent schools, he’ll think it’s waste.
If you can’t cope now, let him be.
For your birthday he could have made more of an effort 420monthly is not bad at all.
However don’t be extravagant though. Spend reasonable, give invest but live.
All the best
To me, you are immature. Your guy never forced you spend so much on him, it’s not all guys that spend like that, some guys prefer to spend quality time with you.
But what I want to focus on is, how you met a man at the club and you had sex with him, how do you people give in to sex like this. I wish you knew the dangers of fornication, you will be rather be dead than do it.
Its unfortunate, people on this blog dont say the truth.
I tell you, run from anything like sex before marriage, drop the news guy. I’m less concerned about the two guys, I concerned about you stopping fornication.
I wish you well sister.
“People on this blog dont say the truth”.
I find this your statement offensive to say the least.
Your opnion doesnt have to be everyone’s own and vice versa. Please let there be mutual respect here.
There is a spirit in “every man” that the inspiration of the Mighty giveth understanding.
Please be guided.
Please don’t start attacking people’s opinion. Its not allowed. Kindly make your contribution without attacks. If you keep doing this, you will be barred from the blog. This is your last strike.
I agree with the poster Moo… he/she said it better than I was going to.
Many thanks @Lala
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