True Life Story: My Marriage Is Abusive And Toxic Yet I Cannot Leave My Wife
Hello Lively Stones Group,
I have been reading your blog recently, and I have observed how you always advise for couples having issues in marriage to go for therapy. My marriage of three years is on fire, it is abusive and toxic. We have been in therapy for almost a year and yet, its like, we are not getting better. My name is Craig (not real name). My wife and I are in some sort of abusive and toxic relationship. My wife does not agree with my views that its toxic but I do not know how else to put it. Please try to follow me as I try to explain, maybe advice from you will work since therapy is not working in my opinion.
So back to the beginning, I met my wife through online dating. We were chatting in our dms but later found out that she knows a friend of mine. This friend of mine vouched for her and I decided to fully date her. My wife is a feminist but that is not a problem cos me too, I am a feminist…how can I not be a feminist?….I have six sisters, I am the only boy…lol…but I think our background may have been different. My wife then as a girlfriend used to speak her mind and sometimes, it would come across as over bearing but we always found a way to laugh things off.
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My girl is very funny too…I think she should have been a comedian. I think that is why I fell in love with her. I mean, we can be having a dead serious argument and debate, very heated and I am about to loose it and she goes,…see how your veins want to burst because you are loosing the debate…lol…I will just start laughing…she is also very spontaneous. If I vex too much…she just comot her cloth and like…oya come and fck to cool off. That sht turns my head. I think that is another thing that has got me hooked.
I have been with alot of women in my day but none of them has a s3x game close to my wife. So, tow things is why I love my wife…she is funny and sexy as f*ck. I can always count on those two things and that is the only reason I am trying to make this marriage work. Apart from these two things, my wife is abusive…she curses me out and uses laughter and s3x to cover up. She beats me in the name of rough play and uses s3x and jokes to make up.
To me, you can still be funny without being abusive….you can be sexy without being physical. And because my wife is a feminist…she no dey respect me as her husband. I can be talking and she just jumps in and cuts me off…in front of people….sometimes, we argue alot about money. She spends too much…when I talk, she says its her money but we both have a joint account…so why will she say its her money when we are supposed to agree on how to spend money on the joint account? Is it because she earns more than me?
And the one that pains me most…we have a child. My wife stopped breastfeeding the child after one month…she says she does not want her breast to sag. We quarreled over this for months…as usual…she used f*ck to make me cool off…I then decided to stay away from s3x with her so she can know how serious I am….I could not. We do not agree on alot of things concerning our child that is one year old now. My wife does not take care of this child. He is always with the nanny. Yes, she buys him gifts but I am worried, our son is being raised more by our nanny than us…
I realize we both have busy schedules and careers but it’s the mother’s duty to make time for her house hold…we are really failing here and I blame my wife. A while ago, my son was sick and the nanny called my wife…she told the nanny to go to the hospital with the boy. This boy was on admission for a whole day and no one told me…when I came home, I was not told the boy was sick either…so I went to bed…next day…he became worse …the nanny told my wife….wifey did not leave work….she still asked her to take the boy back to the hospital.
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It was the hospital that called my line to insist a parent of the child must be there cos the condition is critical. I was on my way to the airport to fly to Ghana for a meeting…I turned back and rushed to the hospital to see my son lying on the bed almost lifeless…that was it for me…I prayed to God to save my son and promised to divorce the mother. I called my wife to get to the hospital…she came four hours later. We had a big quarrel in the hospital. My wife tried to blame the nanny….that she did not tell her it was serious but the nanny said she told my wife and she insisted the nanny stay with the child in the hospital, after all, that is what she is paid to do…to look after the child.
If this is not the most heartless thing a woman can do to her child….I dont know what. God saved our boy and I begged my mom to come stay with us to look after the child. As for my wife…I told her I was getting a divorce….she got angry and slapped me…that was when I knew I had enough….I held my cheek….it was hot….but my mother taught me well…never to hit a woman…so I got my car keys to try to leave the house to cool off but my wife cut me off and slapped me again.
Then I lost it…I slapped her and beat her until my domestic staff and mom had to come and get me….in all of thise…my wife was raining abuses on me…she refused to understand…saying I knew she had a job that she loved before I met her and she sees no reason why she has to sacrifice her job for her son or me…that I should be the one to sacrifice after all…she sacrificed nine months of in pregnancy. I shook my head…and left the house.
Please advise me….
…TO BE CONTINUED
Anonymous
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Hmmm!
It’s obvious that there is a misplaced priority here.
Since you are more understanding and know what you want for you family, you need to create more time for the things that matter most especially your son.
It’s humans that turns others to monster but only if we let them.
You were quick to hit back knowing that’s what she wants and that people will blame you in the end.
Better to walk away than react in such manner.
Well, your wife hasn’t been of her best character and even as a mother, she has failed but there are underlying reasons for her behaviour.
She is holding on to your career than family because of where she is coming from her belief and fears. These don’t justify her actions to be right but they need to be dung deep.
You may need to change a therapist and a neutral and deep person who will spare nothing and no one to get you results.
Above all, you need prayers to follow this up.
Your wife is domineering and being feminist shouldn’t rob peoeoyof their sense of respect, love, family togetherness and empathy.
Till I read the remaining, I will say more.
Cheers!
You spoke well ma
Another solution to stopping abuse is to stop encouraging by reacting to it. An emotional abuser enjoys the act since you be a part of it.
The day you’ll stop retaliating, the abuser will stop abusing you.
Emotional bullies enjoy a certain pleasure seeing you helpless and weak. You’ve got to be strong and should not take everything as they come.
So, make sure you analyze the situation whether or not you should react to it.
Don’t follow your partner’s words
Don’t start believing whatever your partner says about you. Think for a while, and see if you are actually at fault. They might try to make you believe their own beliefs and persuade you against your own wishes.
However, introspect and take time to weigh the right against the wrong. Believe your own observations.
Communication is one of the most important pillars of a strong and respectful relationship. So, each day, ensure that you communicate your feelings to your partner and encourage them to open up too.
Once the gap is filled, you both will be able to understand each other better and mend the behavior that doesn’t go down well with each other.
never stop loving and caring for yourself eachother and your family. Always pay heed to what your family need and try meeting them. Give yourself and eachother that priority.
Dear poster it’s a obvious your wife is a wounded warrior, too many things went wrong while growing up so you need to accept that you have to babies.
Like someone has rightly suggested you need to inform her family. You guys also need some space to heal.
You’ll probably need to ask her if she wants a marriage with you. You raising your hands to hit you wife was not needed. Any woman can easily spotted that your wife needs help.
When was the last time you both had a heart to heart talk?
I hope you know how and where you meet a woman says alot about her? Did you ask her about her past and upbringing?
You need to show her more love, she has had a lot of bitter experience from men and you seems to be confirming that all men are equal. All you need to do is give the boy the necessary care he needs and love.
Do you believe in God? If yes then you’ll need to stay strong for your wife, pray for her and keep encouraging her.
From your post, she seems like someone who has never experienced genuine love
Real love beyond sex and money will heal and a lots of prayers will help restore your home..
You guys can’t be using sex as make up strategy instead of discussing and trashing out issues. You seem like a soft hearted, family oriented person but your wife is a career driven woman, a goal getter etc. Her feminism may be born out of what she has suffered or fear based on other peoples experiences.
Did you every do a background check to know her family orientation, upbringing and all or you were carried away by all the beauty you saw?
Now you really have to find out all these so you will understand where she got her attitude.
As the man, you may have to step up more for your family especially your son. You have to be on top of everything happening to him. (Please do not allow your family to interfere in this matter). Feminist are most times strong headed and it takes extra love to win them. Leave her to be displaying everywhere, anyhow ignore her, soon she will realize her folly if she doesn’t, people will tell her.
Do not get physical with her, always make your point known even if she doesn’t agree, be the best mother and father to your son. Let her see how your son will so get attached to you that she will be Jealous.
At least do this for a year and see the outcome.
If she doesn’t come around you can take more definitive actions.