True Life Story: Should I Expose Or Cover My Fiancé Weakness-Pls Advise?
Hi Lively Stones,
I need your advise. I feel so ashamed to tell anyone else what happened in my relationship but I see Lively Stones as a Christian platform that will not judge me, but my conscience has been pricking me for two weeks now. So, I am a born again Christian, I am 26 years old. I graduated last year and I work in a bank. Nine months ago, I met Tega, my fiancé. Tega and I attend the same church, he is one of the Instrumentalist in our church. A very dashing young man, he also works in a private ICT company.
Not long after I joined the church, Tega and I became friends. He is a very nice guy, very focused Christian youth, ,charismatic leader. He used to give inspirational talks to the youth in church; he is the kind of young successful guy every parent wish their young people look up to. So, it was surprising when just a month after being friends with Tega, he called me one day and said, God told him that I am his wife. That he wants to get married to me in six months.
I was shocked cos, I was 25 years old, I knew I wanted to get married but not in six months…at least in one or two years time. I told him lets start as friends first but he was like, he does not believe in friends or dating as a Christian, that its either I become his Fiancé or not…he said he did not want any temptation, so he told me to think about it and get back to him. I said ok. Then one of our pastors called me one day and asked me to see him. So I went to see him after service.
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I waited in his secretary’s office for a while before he ushered me in. The pastor asked me if I know that God has a plan for my future, I was like, what do you mean sir, he said, Tega came to meet him to tell him that God revealed to him that I am his wife, so he took his time to pray and seek God’s face and it was revealed to him that I am Tega’s wife and that I should not delay in marrying Tega otherwise, I might miss my destiny. The pastor warned that I should not take too much time in making up my mind, that if I did, it would be disastrous.
When he finished talking, I told him that I have received the revelation but that I feel like we are rushing, I wanted Tega and I to be friends, be dating for like a year before marriage…however, I am willing to heed the spiritual warning. That is how Tega and I got engaged immediately. My parents were ok with it. His parents too. Everyone knew Tega as a man who prays and we all believed he must be doing as God directed him.
Tega was one who also preached purity before marriage…so s3x was out of the question for us. We both were not allowed to visit each other without the company of a third person before marriage. We were seriously planning towards our marriage. I felt so blessed to have such a guy like Tega, one that will help me and encourage me to be a very good Christian. We have planned dates for all the wedding activities. Everything is going well, our introduction is in August while court and white wedding is in September.
Everyone is aware that we are engaged and getting married. I have even started buying some things into Tega’s house in preparation of starting a home with him. Two weeks ago, I went to Tega’s place, to supervise the kitchen renovation that was going on for me to move in after our wedding. I spent the whole day with the workers. Then it started raining heavily. While the workers entered the rain despite it was heavy, I could not enter the rain so I decided to wait for the rain to reduce a little.
Unfortunately, that rain was a storm. Tega was like, I have to wait cos it would be dangerous for me to go in such a storm. So, we stayed and gisted. Then surprisingly, Tega grabbed me from behind and started kissing me. I was shocked but he was whispering how he can wait till I am officially his wife,…that he has been fighting the urge to make love to me. I laughed and told him the wait will soon be over. I tried to remove his hands but Tega’s grip was getting stronger.
Tega kissed me…he was like, ok…lets just kiss alone….that its not wrong to kiss…before now, Tega had never kissed me before, only gave me half Christian hugs. But that day, I noticed his body was hot, like it was charged…he kept going and before I knew it…his manhood was hard as rock….I was scared that we were doing the wrong thing but Tega asked me to relax…that he wont do anything…that he will just touch but he wont penetrate.
So, I relaxed a bit…Tega went on, caressing me…kissing me…and next thing, he bright out his penis and asked me to such…I was baffled but he said its ok….that its not same as real s3x….so I did as he said….I have never done this before but he kept telling me how to do it….the next thing he went down on me and began to suck me too…I had never in my life felt such pleasure….I was loosing my mind and I was now the one asking him not to stop.
Tega smiled ….he said ok baby…he laid me down and now tried to penetrate my VG….it felt so good but as he kept trying…the weight of it suddenly jolted me back to reality. I quickly asked him to stop…I kept saying stop Tega…we can’t do this. He kept pleading with me, that he cannot stop. I begged him….I pushed him…he was pressing down with all his might….then with all the strength left in me…I pushed him away and he almost fell.
When Tega looked at me…I was shocked at his eyes. They were red….he looked like he wanted to attack me…like a predator about to take on his prey. I panicked…I kept telling him: Tega its me…please stop…we promised God to stay pure before marriage….Tega was like..why then did I tempt him….that I begged him to continue and so he has to finish what he started…I tried to talk him out of it but the nest thing I saw was Tega had pinned me down again and this time, he pinned down all my hands and thighs and forced himself into me.
My impeccable fiancé raped me….he had his way as I was crying and bleeding cos this was my first time. The pain was raging…the betrayal was unbelievable. I was in shock…stunned. It was traumatic and I will never forget it. Tega released into me….rested for like 5mins while I was crying…and instead of an apology or any sweet words from Tega, what he said was; I want round two. I screamed and said over my dead body. Long story short, he did it again…he rped me again…by this time…the walls of my VG was so bruised and I felt like I was on fire.
Tega then started to calm down and hug me…saying he is sorry but he is my husband to be, that he only simply took what was rightfully his. I was so hurt and I told him I was breaking up with him. He began to apologize and said I should not think too much about it cos it was meant to be since we are revealed to be each other’s purpose spouses. The stupid rain even refused to stop falling so I was forced to go home in that rain, drenched and in pain. Tega wanted me to pass the night but I was so scared that if I did, he would r*pe me again.
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Since this thing happened, Tega only apologized once when he called, after saying I should make sure I don’t tell anyone about what happened because if I did, he would call off the wedding…he said it was a moment of weakness,…that as his future wife, I should learn how to cover my husband’s weakness. I have been so sad and sick of him,so I have been avoiding him. This guy had the audacity to report me to the pastor that I was trying to break up with him. The pastor asked me what happened but I remembered what Tega said about covering his weakness…I told the pastor nothing happened, that we just had a misunderstanding.
So, the pastor advised me, not to let any misunderstanding get in the way of me marrying the man revealed to be my husband. He asked me to fast and pray to wad off any form of distraction coming in-between me and Tega. I agreed but I am still confused. My husband to be raped me….but he said its not rpe but it was just a moment of weakness, so I should not use just one mistake to judge him. That he made an error of judgement but its not a big sin because he has fasted and asked God to give him strength to wait till the wedding before he touches me again.
Tega and I love each other….we are getting married next month…it was revealed for us to be married…but why am I feeling guilty and sad? Why do I feel like we committed sin and Tega is trying to downplay it? And why is Tega not acknowledging that it was not just BDSM but actual rpe? A few days later, Tega even said he was led to disvirgin me before our wedding day.When I asked him why he forced himself to rpe me, Tega said it was not rpe but he was only trying to show me how much he likes rough fcking and he will teach me how to enjoy it when we marry. He even said that since he had me, all he has been thinking of is the various ways he will have me on our wedding day….that this time, he will be gentle except I ask him to be rough. Is this how s3x with him will be when we get married or will he be gentle?
Please advise me…I can’t tell a soul around me what is happening…they will all be disappointed in their beloved Tega….and Tega has said it was just a one time mistake, to which as a supportive wife to be, I must cover him up so that this does not ruin his calling as a minister. I am confused, sad and angry. I need advise. What should I do? Should I forgive him cos it was just a moment of weakness? Or is this a sign of red flag in the coming marriage? The wedding is so close…what am I going to do about this…I feel like I am lost and sinking…I need your help.
Is Tega still the man for me after this? Why is Tega feeling so egositic….I may be able to forgive him if he apologizes better but he says I am over reacting. Am I really over reacting? Am I over thinking this issue? Is this truly just one mistake in the moment of weakness? Should I let it go and just focus on my wedding? Or should I report him to the pastor, maybe they will caution him…but if I report him….will Tega call off the wedding. Why am I so scared, feeling guilty, after Tega told me its no big deal and the pastor said I must never let anything get in-between me and Tega cos our union is destined and so we must protect it at all cost, even if it means cover Tega’s so called moment of weakness. Please help me.
Anonymous
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You were warned not to be together alone,you two were suppose to be together with a third party but NO you decided to be together alone under the cold and sweet weather and you expect Tega’s John Thomas not to rise in that weather,okay oooo,be playing.
Tega is not your husband,don’t be deceived by what the pastor has said,know God for yourself and seek His counsel. Don’t marry Tega,he raped you,he forced himself on you,he took carnal knowledge of you.
My dear, you’re 26,I see no reason for the rush,I also notice that you’re scared he might call of the wedding,you better rest and be careful.
Tega is a bad boy in christian clothing,the guy na better bad boy,be warned!
I have spoken. Peace
So many red flags.
1. You were new in church. Both pastor and minister used spiritual dialetics to hoodwink you to be engaged.
2. You were given ultimatum to date. God didn’t even rush his son to manifest. Jesus stayed 30 years.
3. He raped you and you are saying “weakness”. He feels no remorse whatspever.
Madam, run for your life. I will even advise you leave the church. Don’t be another prey. You will end up being frustrated in that marriage. Don’t be too desperate.
Firstly, have you checked yourself and sure you aren’t pregnant?
If you become pregnant and nobody is aware of Tega’s rape and he is more concerned of his name and ministry, will he own up of being responsible?
While you cover him, cover your future and be sure you aren’t being deceived.
You allowed this. You should have been firm though you sound scared.
You must confide in someone you know that won’t be judgemental but real to tell you the best thing to do.
Infact, report Tega to the pastor and your parents.
Don’t let this slide.
He isn’t what he claims to be. He did wrong and yet wants to throw it under the carpet.
I’m sure they are victims in the church too but he wants to wife you.
This could result to future abuse and maltreatments and if you start covering him now without being wife yet, you will continue to cover more abuses in the future.
Tega has a problem. He needs help. I don’t buy the mistake of the moment excuse. If it was an excuse and he is treating it like this, and even claiming to take what belongs to him then there is problem.
If he is fantasising about how to do more after wedding , he is a sex addict.
So a shame, he went the second time not minding the blood and pain you had on you.
He is threatening calling off the marriage and you are scared?
If you are scared then there is fire on the mountain.
It’s best you think through now.
Best wishes.
Hello, sorry about what happened to you.
May the HolySpirit heal your wounds.
You can still marry him if you wish but it’s better for him to be called to order and perhaps the wedding date moved let people just know you are sorting out somethings. Have you gone for blood test? Have you checked if you are pregnant?
I wish you kept to the church’s rule to have someone with you always. This is the reason they make such rules.
The reason for calling him to order is his reaction to the rape, he is threatening not to marry you, making light of what he did to you and covering up his actions.
If you sweep it under the carpet, he may become a Pastor at the rate at which he is going and put up a front of ‘purity like me’,whether he does or not, how can you be the voice of reasoning he listens to? How can you trust him with other female members of the church, your female house helps when/if you have them later. If you ever find out he rapes a member of the choir when he emerges a leader in church, he’ll just explain it away and threaten you again to shut up.
Go to your Pastor but don’t be alone with him for long, let a secretary be outside the office ( be conscious some godly men outside take advantage of unsuspecting ladies) then, let your Pastor know.
Your Parents may likely say you should marry him regardless since you will still have to marry someone one day and they reckon it’s better you are with the one man that had carnal knowledge of you but let him be brought to some kind of book and if you need some time to heal emotionally so you don’t go into marriage angry let the date be shifted and let that be an opportunity for some kind of remorse, deep apology and discipline for him. Don’t visit or stay with him alone until after your marriage if you go ahead with your relationship with him.
He could have had some self restraint and given you the honour you deserved.
Ask God to forgive you and believe He has. Don’t fall again. You will still be great, you can use this experience to guard over Sisters in your care without necessarily telling them your story.
To add your family should investigate if he is a rapist…In your story, you started out with him though, in the beginning, while he was doing some of those things to you, you could have kicked him in his private area before he overpowered you in the end.
Do you love him and want to marry him still? After he is disciplined, if he is truely remorseful and it is found he is not a rapist, it is your choice to make.
This is what happened in the old days in these circumstances
‘If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged to anyone and has sex with her, he must pay the customary bride price and marry her’. Ex 22:16
‘But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.’ Ex 7:9
Now you are s.xually active, make a resolve to hold yourself until you marry, whether now or later.
I’m really sorry you met such an evil person but I’m going to be strict with my point because what you are about to get yourself into is not a child’s play.
Why are you endangering yourself further in the name of wanting to be a wife to an animal? Are you that desperate?
Just because they preach in the church doesn’t mean they are Godly but it seems you are not a deep Christian either otherwise you’d be seeing the signs. Are you the one responsible for covering taga’s sins? Why didn’t he cover it himself by abstaining?
Do not report him to that pastor they will both cover it and gaslight you, they are both fake. Aren’t you close to your mum enough to tell her? No sisters? It is not your responsibility to cover any man’s sins and the only thing you will get out of this marriage is emotional blackmail and torture, you can’t even have a house help no matter how rich you guys become because he will sleep with all of them and tell you to protect his name, and if you keep acting desperate this type will sleep with your daughters and force you to cover for him…. you see where all this is likely going to end right? You will still face that thing you are afraid to face now but if you cross your mind and face it now it will be easier for you than later.
But that guy is evil sha! That’s why they want young women so they can manipulate you anyhow they like.
Sister!! please flee!!! Tega is not your husband.
Who knows how many young girls in the church he has raped? He’s just a pretentious born again brother.
And I also think he’s trying to cover up something since he’s in a rush to get married to you.
Best of luck dear.
How can you even say, you are thinking of forgiving him if he apologizes, are you serious?
1) Go for a check if you are pregnant or not and sexually transmitted diseases. If you are pregnant, tell your parents, tell the Pastor, not in the church area, but make sure you don’t go to that church again. If you are not pregnant, still tell the Pastor and leave the church
2) I always say it, one way to prevent fornicating is by not being with the opposite sex, not in the apartment, it can be in the compound but not in the apartment.
I wish you well
✌
1)Tell Tega to hold on on the wedding that you are not ready. Do not go ahead and marry him
2) Go and see a counselor/ therapist together, you need an independent observer
3) You have every right to be wary. It seems Tega likes rough sex and surely he will send such from you in your marriage. He also lacks self control so there may be more tendencies for rape.
4) Tega may be good in other areas but he is struggling in this area. I have seen spiritual brothers, sound ones, who mishave in marriage. The kind of things they do will shock you. Do not mistake a so called Christian brother for a good husband.
5) You have to be very careful with people that come with these prophesies. It is possible that the Pastors are also aware of his problems and are helping him deal with it. Maybe that is why they asked you not to be alone together. The Pastors are just trying to save a brother, they are kind of compelling you. Please do not be forced or coarsed into marrying Tega. These people are not going to live in the same house as you. They just keep telling you to be patient, pray, he will change etc. Please think for yourself. I pray God will guide you.