True Life Story: My Boyfriend Is Not Over His Married Ex Girlfriend-Pls Advise Me
Hi Lively Stones,
My boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch, I think we might just call if off as it is because I think this is not working anymore. But I need your advise before I take any final decision. So, we have not been in good terms because I told him I needed some space to think after we had a huge argument about his brother’s wife who happens to be his ex girlfriend. When I met Femi, he was a very sweet guy but he was having trust issues because his girlfriend of over 2 years slept with his brother when he went for his masters in UK…the lady got pregnant and the family decided they should get married.
Femi does not speak very well of his brother. In fact, he hardly speaks to his family because he felt betrayed by all of them. So, when we met, he was finding it hard to open up but I was able to make him open up and when he told me, I felt disgusted, like how can a woman do this to an entire family. But when I saw this woman’s picture, she is so pretty, she is like a goddess, half caste and very pretty. I understood why she can come in-between two brothers.
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What I did not bargain for, was that she will still be messing with Femi’s mind. I really thought me and Femi are going really strong but last Christmas, Femi and I met with our families because we are looking to get married this year. Meeting my family was fine and cool but when we visited Femi’s family, you could cut the tension with a knife. Only their last born made me feel really comfortable. Femi’s mom was very warm to me too. In fact, she said to me that she has been praying for Femi to find a woman that will make him finally move on from his ex.
Femi’s mom begged me to talk to Femi to speak to his brother and let peace reign again between them. I promised to try. So after the visit to his family, I tried to talk to Femi about making peace with his brother and that was the beginning of our problems. Femi said it is over his dead body that he would make peace with his brother. He got so upset with me for bringing the matter up …he said he told me how they hurt him and instead of me to h@te his brother with him, that I want to tale sides with his family.
To be honest, I have never seen Femi so upset like this. I told him I am not taking sides but I would really want him to make peace with the past because its the past. Femi shouted never. I asked him why….that is it because he is still in love with his ex? That question made him go mad and he said I should shut up or he would beat me up. Beat me up? Where is that coming from? In our almost 19 months of dating, I never saw any sign that Femi would raise his hands against a woman.
That made me loose my cool and told him that we should take a break from the relationship, that if he cannot prove to me that he is over his ex and brother’s wife, that I don’t think we should be seeing each other. Femi told me fine, that I can do whatever I like. Basically, that meant, we broke up. After four days, no call or text, Femi tried to call to apologize but that four days gave me time to think and I concluded that Femi is not over his ex.
I told Femi I still needed time and he was not happy about it. So we met up to talk and during the talk, Femi said why its difficult for him to forgive his brother or his ex was because, before he travelled, he used to be so close to his brother and his brother was the one he confided in when he was having issues with Nneka, his ex. He said, Nneka at the time, was a virgin and she wanted to wait till marriage and he was struggling with that decision.
It was his brother that encouraged him to respect Nneka’s decision to wait for marriage before s3x. But it did not take Femi’s brother 3 months after he travelled for him to dis-virgin his girl. Femi found out his girl was dodging his calls when he called her from UK but he eventually figured that she was seeing someone and Femi was foolishly confiding in his brother that he was heartbroken that his girlfriend was not keeping herself for him as promised. So when everything was exposed, Femi felt so much betrayal but the brother said, it was a mistake but he and Nneka are in love.
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And there was a pregnancy involved, the family had no choice but to give their blessing. It pained Femi that the virginity that he looked forward to for so long was taken by his own brother. And after they got married and had a child, Nneka tried to get with Femi to apologize. When she saw Femi, she told him that she still loved him but Femi told her he is now with me. Nneka then told Femi that even if both of them are married to other people, that it will not stop them from seeing each other.
So Femi said the best way for him not to fall for Nneka is if he never forgives her or his brother. He said if he forgave them, then, he is afraid that he may fall again for Nneka. So you see, for Femi, its better he cuts them off completely from his life. And for me, what this tells me is that Femi is not over Nneka. The only way for me to believe Femi is over Nneka, is for him to be cool with her and his brother or is that not so? I want to quit this relationship because I don’t want to be any man’s second choice in life.
I have told Femi that its either he forgets about Nneka and make peace with his brother or we call it quits. My best friend thinks I am making a mistake but I cannot have that kind of weight on me if I am to marry Femi…my mind will always wonder about him and Nneka…if you were in my shoes, what will you do?
Anonymous
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Hello sis i feel you seriously my opinion tell femi he needs to heal from his ex and bro before you and go on cos right in marriage he will always wants to have his pound of flesh….he needs to heal forgive
Dear poster,you resemble person wey no send person at all,like you no one gree for anybody sha .
Anyways,it will be hard for Femi to move on from his Ex Nneka,hope you know that sha? He loved and still loves her,the fact that she was still a virgin kept him very close and attached to her even while he was in the UK. The only mistake he made was letting his secrets out to his yeye brother,his brother betrayed him,took advantage of Nneka probably she was naive or richer than Femi .
You have to be very patient with Femi,if you love him, infact you need to learn how to be patient with him but remember,he hasn’t forgotten about Nneka,a time will come that they will both be in closed doors and they must do the do. Are you ready to deal with it? If not,find your square root now oooo.
Femi still loves Nneka,the only reason they haven’t been together is time,once the time comes,Nneka go born pikin for Femi
I move
Hating anyone is never okay, no matter what the alleged justification is. Do I think your boyfriend has ‘the right’ to be upset over the betrayal he faced at the hands of his ex? You bet. Having said that, what would be the constructive outcome for him (or anyone he loves in his life) to continue to hold onto that anger/hatred?
Funny thing about anger, hatred and bitterness: you may project it upon a specific person or situation, but it doesn’t remain there exclusively. Whether your boyfriend is consciously aware of this or not, those feelings can and will likely ‘bleed over’ into present relationships, because you bring what you are into those relationships. So if you ‘are’ still angry, hurting, resentful and in addition feel you are ‘entitled’ to have those feelings, they will infiltrate your other relationships by association.
I would suggest that your boyfriend needs to find some healing to get past his hurt and disappointment: either through individual counseling, or through some type of meditation ritual to help him process his feelings and the lingering, negative energy that those feelings are proliferating, so that he can not only find closure and move on, but do so in a positive and healthy way, so he may continue to be a loving, caring, and compassionate human being. And yes, that means at some point, he needs to forgive.
You cannot force anyone to forgive and let go of hurts.
You can only encourage them and hope and pray they find healing but it must be a gradual process.
I think your guy loves you but is still hurt over the betrayal in his previous relationship, who wouldn’t be and the only way he can seem to heal is by avoiding those who hurt him.
I feel you should be there for him, guiding him to some counselling or therapy to ensure he heals but that shouldn’t affect your future plans with him.
Let him understand that he needs the healing to be at peace and be there for him.
There’s a possibility that he can cheat on you with her there’s also a possibility that it may never happen, for what it’s worth be there for him while he intentionally makes efforts to heal.
Thanks.
Femi is going through a tough time, but with patience and love, he will heal. His brother’s actions have caused pain, but your care can make a difference. Keep showing him love and understanding. Time will help him overcome this hurt. Stay by his side. Love can endure even the hardest trials.