True Life Story: My Friend’s Husband Is Going Through Depression & Addiction
Hello Lively Stones,
Please share this on behalf of my friend. The matter is about her husband. In 2019, they lost their one year old son to medical negligence in one of these government hospitals. It was a big blow for them and particularly for the husband. The husband blames my friend for the death of their child. He says she did not take the child early enough to the hospital. At first, my friend thought it was malaria and kept treating with drugs but before day 3, the boy got worse.
When they got to the hospital, they were referred to general hospital and before they could finish their protocols, the baby died. My friend’s husband was so upset that after the baby’s death, he refused to talk to the wife for almost 3 months. It took the intervention of the family for him to start speaking to the wife. However, things were really never the same again.
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Their relationship was a cold one. And the man stopped making love to his wife. He would give excuse that he is depressed or tired or busy. My friend because she wanted to work on her marriage, decided to endure the marriage at any cost. Later on, she started suspecting the man was having an affair but she never found enough evidence. She really suffered cos the man would make love to her like only once on 3 or 4 months. And she said, during the love making….he would be acting like he is angry with her.
In 2021, my friend got pregnant and she was hoping this would repair their marriage but the man did not change towards her. This made her have a miscarriage…she was miserable. This time she was ready to leave the marriage but he begged her to bear with him that he is just suffering from depression. My friend agreed to stay and help him overcome the depression.
Then as time went on, he would slip in and out of the depression, he resorted to drinking and getting drunk. Spending time at clubs and women. He then developed erectile dysfunction due to his excessive drinking and womanizing. My friend was frustrated. The marriage was full of pain and struggle. They could not communicate. She was also scared of getting infected cos the man was sleeping with all kinds of women. Many advised her to stay clear of her husband S** wise for the time being.
Staying clear of her husband meant she could not have S** with him for a long time. My friend’s loneliness made her to start chatting with her married ex boyfriend. The guys was there for her, to comfort her and keep her sane. She has been seeing the ex boyfriend for a while now, secretly. My friend did not know when she got pregnant. She found out when she was almost six months gone. Now, she is extremely confused. How will she deal with the pregnancy … clearly the pregnancy is for her married ex ….
My friend confided in me that she wants to keep the pregnancy cos this is her 3rd pregnancy while she has lost two children before….and so, she does not know if she will ever have another child with the way the she and her husband are no longer sleeping together. But how will she explain that she got pregnant without him sleeping with her? Besides, the pregnancy is far gone and too late for an abortion.
To me, I feel like she should tell her husband but keep quiet about the real owner of the pregnancy. I am from the Eastern part of the country. Our tradition is, any child born under a husband’s roof is his child. So, there is no need to say anything…except the man wants a DNA and she can fake one. The man is the cause of the problems…he pushed her away…he is depressed and an addict…S** and alcohol addict. If their marriage can survive, maybe this child will reconcile them probably.
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This is the advice I gave my friend…I know others may have a different opinion but what other opinions will fail to check is: if my friend confesses….their marriage will not survive it…and the ex is happily married…why should this confession break their happy marriage? Abi, dont we remember the story that was shared on Lively Stones about a woman who got pregnant for a married man(click here to read that story) …how the man’s wife cursed the woman and her unborn child?
Of what benefit will a confession bring? But having a baby….is there a possibility that it can bring my friend and her husband close again? My friend does not want the marriage to break up. The whole problem they are facing is tied to loosing their first two children. That is why the man is depressed and why my friend became lonely and sought comfort in the hands of another man.
I need mature advice. The couple are in a very vulnerable position. A child that would have been a great news for them has come in a way that may break them apart finally. Please let’s be sensitive in our comments, my friend will be reading. This is a serious matter for her.
Anonymous
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You women and lack of accountability, you said, in Igbo tradition, any child born under the mans roof is his child, but when the tradition of women not inheriting their husband’s properties and money is enforced, you call men wicked and misogynist, you blame the patriarchy, you are really funny.
You even blamed her husband, NO MA, your friend is 100% RESPONSIBLE for her adultery, she knew what she was doing, she was chatting with the other man, she left her house, she dressed up, she took many steps to the gate, entered bus and traffic and so many other things she did and committed adultery, she did this so many times and you say the man “pushed”, I think you are joking sister. Like I always say, adultery is a planned intentional delibrate wicked act, it can never be a mistake.
She MUST tell her husband the child is not his, period, if the marriage will scatter, let it scatter, giving a man another man’s child or children is WICKNEDNESS and EVIL, if it were your brother nko, would you have brought this story here? so please, stop making excuses for your friend, you you just kept trying to make her the victim, she is the culprit, she committed adultery.
SHE SHOULD TELL HER HUSBAND, PERIOD.
I wish you well.
I think you are the friend, you seem to know too much for a friend. No point confessing, have the baby and if your husband finds out, humbly move out and enjoy a peaceful bliss with the child. The biological dad doesn’t have to know about the child’s existence.
What if her husband finds out in future that the child is not his? Will you be there to defend her?
What if the child starts behaving in a manner that is totally different from the way both husband and wife behaves,how will she deal with it?
We all know what is good and bad unless we choose to pretend about it.
Let your friend tell her husband about the child and wait for the worse to happen,it is better the worse happens now than later in future.
Her married ex needs to also know that he has a child outside wedlock because e get why.
Time will tell. Peace
If one spouse constantly places his or her needs above the goals and interests of the marriage, it’s only a matter of time before the neglected spouse begins to feel rejected and unloved. Getting married involves give and take rather than getting your own needs met all the time. If one spouse dictates the terms of the marriage and won’t compromise, that’s a recipe for disaster.
A common problem in many marriages is for the couple to become emotionally distant. When this happens, it’s likely he or she may start looking around. Emotional infidelity can lead to adultery and cheating is destructive of a marriage. It’s important for every couples to discuss and agree on what constitutes infidelity in their homes and avoid
Dear Poster,
I cant say I understand exactly how you feel but I know you are in a very difficult position.
My advice is: Please seek professional support and intervention for you and your husband, invite your husband to the intervention, let him feel like its a safe place for both of you to talk about your problems.
Depression, alcoholism and S** addiction are a real mental health conditions. The loss of your children may have triggered it or some unresolved trauma from the past. That is, if this was never his behaviors’ before marriage and the tragic events.
When you feel that he is responsive and co0operative, then you can tell him what happened; apologize for your fault and tell him you are sorry and also willing to wait until he forgives you…he can take all the time he needs to process the situation but let him know you are willing to fight for your marriage if he is willing to fight for it.
If he is unwilling, understand with him and go your separate ways.
But as much as possible, encourage him to get professional clinical help with the alcoholism and S** with other women.
You both hurt each other so much…but love conquers all….I pray you both make it back to each other.
But if not, learn the lessons, ask God for forgiveness, forgive each other….and move on.
As for the real father of the child….when you are healed and ready to deal with that, please let him know. He deserves to know about his child.
Praying for healing for you and your husband.
Jzhane
We all have a part in the state of the relationship. But sit down and write it down, so you are clear about your thoughts on that.
Now that you have everything clear in your head, you are ready to talk to your spouse. It won’t be an easy thing—they might not even want to talk. But it’s absolutely necessary.
As I said, both people must be 100% committed to rebuilding the relationship. Also, it would help if you put your partner’s needs before or at least equal to yours. According to research, relationships tend to be healthier, and spouses feel there is equality.
You see, this is what happened in marriages. I felt like his needs were always his top priority, and he didn’t care about hers. Even though she tried to put him as a priority, it never worked in reverse and that was not okay with her.
Sometimes we go around with just a general feeling of unhappiness and don’t really know why. You know something is wrong, but you don’t always sit down with yourself and actually figure out the specifics of what it is.
So, if you haven’t done that – do it. What exactly are you unhappy about? What do you want to change that would make you happy?
Once you look at the list, you might find that some of your reasons are petty or insignificant. Maybe, maybe not. But at least you will know.
I know you want to place all the blame on your spouse and make everything their fault. But remember, it takes two to tango.
Relationships are not made or destroyed by only one person (usually).
You can’t change what you don’t recognize. Bring your lists that you just made above to the table and talk it out. The purpose of that list is not just to get your thoughts down on paper, but to have a clear path to your conversation. And you’ll have “evidence” in front of you, not just relying on your memory in the moment.