True Life Story: How My Marriage Became Damaged Because My Wife Lost Desire For S3x After Childbirth
Dear Lively Stones,
Let me begin by saying a very big well done for all that you do for relationships and marriages, you are shinning light on tough issues confronting marriages today, mine including. I have tried to be a good husband for the past 11 years, but life has thrown a curve ball at me, my once happy marriage has lost all love or desire and I wish I can be strong for my beautiful wife but I am about to confess that I have failed my wife, I have broken my vows and I just want to be honest that I am really struggling but I know, men should not show weakness or emotions.
As a man, I have always been strong for my wife and family, I try not to show my emotions but my wife was diagnosed with a very case of endometriosis three years after our marriage. We found out about the condition as we we trying to conceive after three years of marriage. We had tried to get pregnant naturally and through IVF because my wife is a little older than me, with five years old, but that never bothered me cos age is just a no and I was head over heels in love.
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Eventually my wife got pregnant but it was a very dangerous pregnancy, so dangerous that our baby was born pre-term at 28 weeks old. My daughter was in the incubator for almost four months before she was released to us. My wife in the mean time, battled with endometriosis and its side effects. That is how I started becoming string for my wife and daughter. Yes, I had help and support from family but the worst came when the doctor said, my wife had to undergo surgery.
That surgery changed my wife and our marriage. The side effects was that, she had serious hormonal imbalances, that affected her mood and approach to life. She suffered depression and finally was told, that she should never be able to have a child again since she lost her uterus. I was very supportive all this while. I even supported her by suggesting we adopt another child if she wants to. But my wife said she is ok with our only daughter.
As a supportive husband, I agreed with her but in the deepest of my hearts, I would have loved more children. The second major issue of our marriage was that, my wife lost the desire to have s3x. This was the biggest struggle…it took two years after the surgery for us to have s3x again and it was a total chore for the 5 minutes of coitus. My wife had no s3x drive anymore. When I touched her…she felt disgusted at me and irritated at herself. To her, what is the point of s3x that will lead to nothing (because she cannot have any more children).
What she failed to understand was that apart from children, I needed my wife, my lover and friend but my wife only had time for our daughter. That hurt me and left me abandoned. Sometimes, I got upset but I could not show it cos my wife would remind me what she suffered to give me a daughter. She reminded me constantly that her life was destroyed. So, I was not allowed to show my own struggle or frustration. One time, I tried to open up to her that as a man, I have needs, this woman got so mad that she said if I do not appreciate the sacrifices she has made, that I can go get a divorce.
I knew she was in a place of hurt and depression but I have advised her to get therapy for several years but she has absolutely no desire to do anything productive anymore in life. I became a bachelor as a married man. I suppressed all the pent up sexual desires in me. I told myself I could do it…at least, if my wife ‘sacrificed’ her uterus in this marriage, maybe I can sacrifice s3x too. But I was wrong. Every passing day was a beast for me. I got addicted to p*rn and masturbation.
Then those two became unsatisfiable to me. This has gradually affected my marriage to the point where, I think my wife and I no longer feel anything towards each other. The love was gradually gone. We kind of stuck together out of commitment to our daughter. My wife accused me of cheating cos she knew she was not giving me s3x but never for one day did I cheat on her until a few months ago. A few months ago, a young lady was employed in our team. This lady is very attractive and for some reason, she took a liking to me in the office.
Gina (lets call the lady Gina) was like a burst of fresh air and energy in the office. A Geb Z that came in with alot of ideas and the management was very pleased with her. Gina used to go home with me cos she lived off my route. I began to catch feelings for her when she laughed or looked in my eyes or her hands brushed mine. I realized I was weak around her. I wanted to touch her…wanted to kiss her soft lips.
Then one day, the opportunity came. One day at work, Gina was not her usual self. Everyone kept asking what was the issue but she said nothing that she did not feel very well. On our way home after work, I asked her what the problem was and she finally said, she just broke up with her boyfriend who lives in Canada. That the guy cheated on her. I reflexively place my hand on hers….she shivered….and looked at me…I was shaking too…my hands were shaking.
Gina asked me why my hands were shaking, I quickly removed it. Then she kept quiet for some moments. I thought she was upset at me, so I apologized. She still kept quiet. The silence was k*lling me. When I dropped her off…I grabbed her hands again and tried to apologize again….this time…Gina flipped and said, stop apologizing like a coward…I know you like me…cos I like you too…I have seen how you look at me…now, I am single…so please stop being a coward if you will not man up to me about your feelings.
Gina stormed out of the car after her outburst. This girl is so intelligent, so she knows I have feelings for her all these time. As I slowly drove away…my heart was pounding…I drove like 3 minutes and I reversed…I called Gina to give me her house address that I was coming over. She texted me the address and I drove straight to her place…soon as she opened her door…I went straight to kiss her…I wanted her and she wanted me…it was like…I have been waiting for this since the time I met her.
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Gina and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months. With Gina, I became a man again. She is so much fun, life and positivity around me. I look forward to anytime I can spend with her. I am in love with Gina. So, for the first time in eleven years of marriage, I am considering divorce. I am already cheating on my wife, its no fault of mine or my wife…we lost everything to that surgery. We stayed this long because I wanted to stick to my vows of for better or for worse but I am a 38 years old man….how am I supposed to live without love or s3x for the rest of my life?
So here I am, trying to find happiness again after a long time….the only issue is…I do not know how to break this to my wife. She is still depressed and can be suicidal sometimes. I do not know how to break it to her that I am ready to move on with my life since she does not want me or desire me anymore. I need help, I have been hiding my affair with Gina but sometimes, I wish my wife found out so it would save me the pain of breaking it to her because despite all that happened, I still care about my wife but Its time for me to live again.
Does that make me a bad or horrible person? Is it ok for me to be unhappy for the rest of my life because of what happened to my wife? Have I not tried to do everything to make my marriage work? My wife refused any kind of help or therapy….I know she will say I betrayed her when she finally is aware of Gina. That is what pains me….but I am tired of being a strong man. I just want to be happy…is that a selfish thing to say? How do I communicate this to my wife without being seen as a horrible person?
All I just want to is to be happy…after almost eight years of no s3x…no love….do I not deserve it? Have I not tried to be a good husband enough? Why does I feel guilty about this….why do I feel like I failed because I want to to be happy again? I am tired of pretending…I am tired of struggling…Please advise me…how do I go about this?
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