True Life Story: How My Marriage Became Damaged Because My Wife Lost Desire For S3x After Childbirth
Dear Lively Stones,
Let me begin by saying a very big well done for all that you do for relationships and marriages, you are shinning light on tough issues confronting marriages today, mine including. I have tried to be a good husband for the past 11 years, but life has thrown a curve ball at me, my once happy marriage has lost all love or desire and I wish I can be strong for my beautiful wife but I am about to confess that I have failed my wife, I have broken my vows and I just want to be honest that I am really struggling but I know, men should not show weakness or emotions.
As a man, I have always been strong for my wife and family, I try not to show my emotions but my wife was diagnosed with a very case of endometriosis three years after our marriage. We found out about the condition as we we trying to conceive after three years of marriage. We had tried to get pregnant naturally and through IVF because my wife is a little older than me, with five years old, but that never bothered me cos age is just a no and I was head over heels in love.
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Eventually my wife got pregnant but it was a very dangerous pregnancy, so dangerous that our baby was born pre-term at 28 weeks old. My daughter was in the incubator for almost four months before she was released to us. My wife in the mean time, battled with endometriosis and its side effects. That is how I started becoming string for my wife and daughter. Yes, I had help and support from family but the worst came when the doctor said, my wife had to undergo surgery.
That surgery changed my wife and our marriage. The side effects was that, she had serious hormonal imbalances, that affected her mood and approach to life. She suffered depression and finally was told, that she should never be able to have a child again since she lost her uterus. I was very supportive all this while. I even supported her by suggesting we adopt another child if she wants to. But my wife said she is ok with our only daughter.
As a supportive husband, I agreed with her but in the deepest of my hearts, I would have loved more children. The second major issue of our marriage was that, my wife lost the desire to have s3x. This was the biggest struggle…it took two years after the surgery for us to have s3x again and it was a total chore for the 5 minutes of coitus. My wife had no s3x drive anymore. When I touched her…she felt disgusted at me and irritated at herself. To her, what is the point of s3x that will lead to nothing (because she cannot have any more children).
What she failed to understand was that apart from children, I needed my wife, my lover and friend but my wife only had time for our daughter. That hurt me and left me abandoned. Sometimes, I got upset but I could not show it cos my wife would remind me what she suffered to give me a daughter. She reminded me constantly that her life was destroyed. So, I was not allowed to show my own struggle or frustration. One time, I tried to open up to her that as a man, I have needs, this woman got so mad that she said if I do not appreciate the sacrifices she has made, that I can go get a divorce.
I knew she was in a place of hurt and depression but I have advised her to get therapy for several years but she has absolutely no desire to do anything productive anymore in life. I became a bachelor as a married man. I suppressed all the pent up sexual desires in me. I told myself I could do it…at least, if my wife ‘sacrificed’ her uterus in this marriage, maybe I can sacrifice s3x too. But I was wrong. Every passing day was a beast for me. I got addicted to p*rn and masturbation.
Then those two became unsatisfiable to me. This has gradually affected my marriage to the point where, I think my wife and I no longer feel anything towards each other. The love was gradually gone. We kind of stuck together out of commitment to our daughter. My wife accused me of cheating cos she knew she was not giving me s3x but never for one day did I cheat on her until a few months ago. A few months ago, a young lady was employed in our team. This lady is very attractive and for some reason, she took a liking to me in the office.
Gina (lets call the lady Gina) was like a burst of fresh air and energy in the office. A Geb Z that came in with alot of ideas and the management was very pleased with her. Gina used to go home with me cos she lived off my route. I began to catch feelings for her when she laughed or looked in my eyes or her hands brushed mine. I realized I was weak around her. I wanted to touch her…wanted to kiss her soft lips.
Then one day, the opportunity came. One day at work, Gina was not her usual self. Everyone kept asking what was the issue but she said nothing that she did not feel very well. On our way home after work, I asked her what the problem was and she finally said, she just broke up with her boyfriend who lives in Canada. That the guy cheated on her. I reflexively place my hand on hers….she shivered….and looked at me…I was shaking too…my hands were shaking.
Gina asked me why my hands were shaking, I quickly removed it. Then she kept quiet for some moments. I thought she was upset at me, so I apologized. She still kept quiet. The silence was k*lling me. When I dropped her off…I grabbed her hands again and tried to apologize again….this time…Gina flipped and said, stop apologizing like a coward…I know you like me…cos I like you too…I have seen how you look at me…now, I am single…so please stop being a coward if you will not man up to me about your feelings.
Gina stormed out of the car after her outburst. This girl is so intelligent, so she knows I have feelings for her all these time. As I slowly drove away…my heart was pounding…I drove like 3 minutes and I reversed…I called Gina to give me her house address that I was coming over. She texted me the address and I drove straight to her place…soon as she opened her door…I went straight to kiss her…I wanted her and she wanted me…it was like…I have been waiting for this since the time I met her.
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Gina and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months. With Gina, I became a man again. She is so much fun, life and positivity around me. I look forward to anytime I can spend with her. I am in love with Gina. So, for the first time in eleven years of marriage, I am considering divorce. I am already cheating on my wife, its no fault of mine or my wife…we lost everything to that surgery. We stayed this long because I wanted to stick to my vows of for better or for worse but I am a 38 years old man….how am I supposed to live without love or s3x for the rest of my life?
So here I am, trying to find happiness again after a long time….the only issue is…I do not know how to break this to my wife. She is still depressed and can be suicidal sometimes. I do not know how to break it to her that I am ready to move on with my life since she does not want me or desire me anymore. I need help, I have been hiding my affair with Gina but sometimes, I wish my wife found out so it would save me the pain of breaking it to her because despite all that happened, I still care about my wife but Its time for me to live again.
Does that make me a bad or horrible person? Is it ok for me to be unhappy for the rest of my life because of what happened to my wife? Have I not tried to do everything to make my marriage work? My wife refused any kind of help or therapy….I know she will say I betrayed her when she finally is aware of Gina. That is what pains me….but I am tired of being a strong man. I just want to be happy…is that a selfish thing to say? How do I communicate this to my wife without being seen as a horrible person?
All I just want to is to be happy…after almost eight years of no s3x…no love….do I not deserve it? Have I not tried to be a good husband enough? Why does I feel guilty about this….why do I feel like I failed because I want to to be happy again? I am tired of pretending…I am tired of struggling…Please advise me…how do I go about this?
Anonymous
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When’s the last time you two had a long, heartfelt conversation? Or a genuine, romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach exchange? There are many types of intimacy, and they tend to dovetail. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing.
“Sexuality will often emerge naturally from their authentic emotional intimacy.”
Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person’s desire to have sex with their partner
What to do about it: Make time to emotionally connect with each other and rekindle your soul connection. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams.
Many health issues can affect a woman’s sexual desire, Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. And lots of different health issues and life circumstances can affect your hormones, as can taking hormonal birth control (i.e., the pill).
What to do about it: If you’ve talked about all the other reasons on this list and mutually feel great about your relationship (talk to her about this—don’t assume!), then it’s worth her talking to her doctor. Or if your wife does have a known medical issue, talk to each other about how your sex life might be being affected and ways you can work together to keep your sex life healthy. She can also talk to her doctor to see what options are available to support her libido.
Just be sensitive to what she’s going through: If she’s dealing with a significant illness or painful condition, for example, it may not be appropriate to push for more sex at this time. You can bring up your feelings about the importance of sex in your relationship so that she knows and can let you know what she has the capacity for. You can be honest while also being flexible and compassionate.
After all this if she refuses involve her family members or someone she so respect much in the family to speak to her to get through the process to protect your marriage from crashing
After all said and done she refuses to comply I feel she has also lost interest in you and relationship at this point let her go amicable and take care of her and the kid
Wishing you the best of luck
Dear poster,you still need to give your wife a chance, marriage is for better or best.
She is going through alot,please be patient. Stop cheating and be wise.
What if Gina gets pregnant? Slow down,take a chill pill,don’t take a pill that will be too hard for you to swallow.
She’s your wife remember and you need to understand that she needs love and care from you.
It’s well with your wife,I pray she receives her healing and gets well soon.
Hello Poster,
There are no words to try to convince you to stick to your vows. You clearly have not been doing that even though you have justified it with your wife’s behaviour.
The honorable thing is to legally end the marriage if you wish to pursue your affair.
But if you truly love your wife in a forver way, giving up sex is not such a big deal….dont let sex rule you….maybe this would be your own sacrifice…after all…your wife too isnt having sex or is she?
You are both broken and it will take faith and a miracle to heal, it will take time but nothing is impossible.
If you want to, I suggest you keep giving your wife and marriage a chance: for better or for worse.
You try to do things, to make her fall in love again.
even if she is emotionally detached, win her love again…take her on dates….find out what makes her happy…do them….flirt with her…tease her…pray for her…pray with her.
Go on romantic vacations….give her time….no matter how damaged she is…no one can resist the power of love for too long.
And guess what, there is someone called the Holy Spirit….get to know him….He is a master strategist…if you yield yourself to him through prayers….he can mend any brokenness in you and your wife….Trust him.
Wishing you the best.
Jzhane
Dear writer,
What your wife is going through isn’t a child’s play. She didn’t cause any of the changes and side effects of what she is experiencing in her body and life.
Obviously, she was sexually active till the issue all started and I’m sure only the one wearing the shoe knows where it pinches.
She needs you and you need to help her if you still love her.
The situation can be healed. Her mood and change for good. Her desires to live, be your best woman and be happy can be restored.
It starts from the point where you need to make sacrifice and fully commit to help your wife heal and be restored as well as your marriage.
She isn’t fighting again cos she has given up on life, love and maybe God.
Can you stop cheating and remain faithful to your wife and be her safe and happy place?
You feel the way you feel cos your wife still loves you as much as you do.
You were doing well but needs to do better.
Start with showing your interest in her being happy, being herself and being restored to live beyond existing.
Rekindle the love with every guide from your spirit, a counsellor and what you know makes her happy.
Set an atmosphere that will make her relaxed and desired.
Leave the talk for sex but concentrate on her healing even yours.
She didn’t loose interest in sex cos she won’t have a child again, the surgery and effects is causing the issues, so , pray for her and your marriage.
Ask God for grace cos in your faithfulness, your wife and your happiness would be restored completely better than it was before.
It’s important to keep praying.
Add romantic dates and sleep out.
Engage a good help to relieve her of excess work around your daughter then towards you.
Go home in time. Reach out in the day to show how much you love and miss her.
Woo her afresh.
Say a therapist with her. See a therapist and counsellor for yourself before the both of you.
Your marriage can be restored. All the best.