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True Life Story: I Am In Love With Two Men-Who Should I Choose?
Hi Lively Stones,
I am a follower of Lively Stones, but this time around I need advice. Honestly I can’t believe I will ever find myself in this kind of dilemma. My name is Chidinma (not real), 29yrs. I have been in about 3 or 4 relationships, but none of them lasted more than 4months, majorly because am too scared of the commitment involved in marriage. I am not wayward, but will always like to stay on my own.
Sometimes I do wonder if am ever going to get married if I continue this way.
All the relationships I have ended, I try as much as possible to end it amicably, and everyone goes their way without grudges. And I guess it’s part of the reason why I always end it on time without wasting so much of someone’s time.
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Few months ago, I agreed to date someone who have been interested in me since I was much younger, same age as myself,(let’s call him Chibuike). He’s been nothing but good. I am working outside the country, and he recently got work visa to come to the country where I reside, he really wanted to settle down with me, but my people advised that we calm down a bit, since we have never been together for years. He has gone to meet my ppl just for familiarity sake.
The plan was that once he comes, we get to know ourselves better before we travel to do the necessary stuff. The problem now is that, I somehow got involved with another guy who’s been here for years,(let’s call him Tobi), though I made it clear that I already have someone but I can’t help falling in love with him. He is older than me, he thinks and handles things more maturely than the other guy. He loves me so much too that he also wants to settle down with me as well.
The whole thing is now messing with my head and heart, that I begin to see Chibuike as immature, begin to notice the differences in the way both of them act and behaves, and I’m afraid am beginning to shift my attention to the new guy. Whereas Chibuike is so jealous and always trying to be show superiority, demanding to know who I talk to, where I want to go, whom am going out with, am not the outgoing type, but one time July because I told him I needed to attend a function with colleagues, he declined saying I shouldn’t go.
Just because guys will be there. I was surprised. Though he later apologized, but I know he’s trying to establish the fact that even though we are age mate, he’s still the man. Chibuike is the country now, but the feeling is dwindling. And I feel bad cos I know he doesn’t deserve it. Though my people are not aware of the second guy yet, I don’t know how they will feel about it, cos he’s not from same tribe as me whereas Chibuike is. But tribe wouldn’t have been an issue if I met Tobi first.
Part of me is telling me to forget about Tobi and focus on Chibuike, but deep down I ask myself if I will be happy with Chibuike, he loves me, no doubt but will I be happy? He rely on me to do many things for him that I feel he should naturally handle and it scares me that I will have to be seeking for solutions outside in some things cos he wouldn’t be able to help.
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I know am talking too much already but I am confused at the moment. Should I stay with Chibuike, cos am afraid of hurting his feelings, and as well cos of what my people and his people will say? Or go for Tobi, even though I know we are of different tribes and it’s like starting afresh. Note: both guys love me and there is no romantic involvement with either of them yet.
Anonymous
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Thanks for being honest.
The question is are you going to marry Chibuike because of what people will say or because you don’t want to hurt his feelings? Never live your life based on people’s opinions because they won’t be in the marriage with you.
I think you should focus more on your happiness and from what you wrote I feel you need a more matured and secured man who will not question your actions unnecessarily.
Since you are confused take out more time to study the men. Just give it more time but be very observant and never ignore red flags and always put yourself first. If I were you I will go for who gives me peace of mind.
Above all be prayerful and be patient.
Marry Tobi . I wish you success in your marriage with him
From everything you described, Tobi sounds like the better option among the two for you.
Don’t marry only because of tribe or not hurting people’s feelings, you are already going off Chibuike too.
Nobody is perfect but pray about it and allow God direct you, see where you have peace, whose values match yours ( hopefully Godly values ), who you can respect as a husband, who you are happy to be Father to your children, check blood group compatibility, run blood tests etc.
You don’t sound like someone who can put with a man you really don’t want to be with. Pray and God will guide you but Tobi sounds more like your man if you choose one of the two.
Your Parents will understand when you explain.
The maturity of a woman is faster than man that is why ladies wants someone older than them. Chubuike obviously likes you however he is still learning, in some years time he will be more matured. If you want to marry now, Tobi will be ideal but if you can wait 2 more year for Chubuike, he will be more settled. Chubuike is acting unsecured and it may be because of his upbringing. He may likely continue to monitor you even if you marry him.
I think you should write down what you like about both of them and weight it. Very importantly pray and let God guide you.
Please go for Tobi and damn all other things/persons!
Reading these story, it seems you’ve probably made your choice, never the less I will answer the question.
A few things to keep in mind here:
If you say you were win love with your boyfriend then fell in love with some other guy, I would say it looks like you are still discovering yourself and probably do not understand love or mistaken it for passion. These sort of cycles tend to repeat themselves, so I would pick wisely
The grass is always greener with the new interest and being human, we will always meet people who will make us feel something new. I say you need time to learn about yourself.
Human emotions are not always our best lead for relationship choices
Likewise you ought to be honest with your boyfriend and end your relationship with the other guy if you are not going settle down with him. Matters would be much worse if he discovers about your close friendship with chibuike by other means, than hearing about it from you yourself.
As for him being possessive and jealous, well you must have known about these traits long ago, it’s nothing new. Don’t point guns at him now.The reason it seems more annoying now than ever before is because you are comparing him to another person, Toby.
Also in defense of your boyfriend, I guess he is just immature. Most young guys are pretty insecure and act overly possessive. People tend to change with age, he could too.
It really for you to judge what you feel for whom.
Best wishes dear
Hello Poster,
Four major things are at play here:
1. Tribe
2. Maturity of one of the men
3. What other people will say
4. The chemistry you have with one of the men
Now, please place all four factors above in the order of which is more important to you, and there you have your answer.
if you ask me, this is the order I would advise:
2. The maturity. You need someone who is at your level or above, not under. Men should be in charge for a relationship to work. He needs to be emotionally and spiritually more mature to be an effective husband
4. Chemistry: That means, you vibe with this person, you understand each other emotionally…he gets you…you get him….you are both attracted to each other. The love is mutual.
As for the other two….they are red flags to be with anyone.
God bless you.